"Get your arse over here, I'm in the mood for sex!"
I paused, said arse in the air, head buried in the weeds (that's NOT a euphemism btw, I was weeding my front area - also not a euphemism ;).
Slowly I raised my head and peered over the wall.
Almost directly opposite me is a row of houses that runs parallel to my street and I overlook their back gardens.
The second house in the street is split into two flats, the one at the top has a balcony with steps leading down to the garden.
There he was, on the balcony, wearing just a pair of faded, cut off jeans and a big smile.
Bear in mind that I've never met this neighbour, it's one of those places with a high turn over of tenants and a somewhat dubious reputation.
For a moment I considered the possibility that the sensible course of action might be to just say, oh, ok then - after all, he knows where I live!!!
Then he stuck his hand down the front of his shorts and scratched!!!
You think that was bad enough? Yep, so did I ...
He then examined his fingernails (just what did he find down there???) and said "come on baby, come over, I know you're gagging for it".
You know what? Enough!!!
I stood up, I swear I expanded at least 3 dress sizes. I was just about to
Can you believe this? I swear I couldn't make this stuff up!
I'd like at this point to say that I've never been so insulted in my life but I think it's probably true to say I almost certainly have. But sometimes, well, sometimes you just have to make a stand don't you?
I squared my shoulders, assumed my best 'dont mess with me mofo expression' and prepared to give him a piece of my mind.
Then I noticed something ....
Not only had he carried on talking with his back to me but, there was something in his ear .....
Oh right, hands free set ....
Yep, I KNEW that ...