Thursday, 20 December 2012

`Putting The Arse Into Class

I've often been told that I 'talk posh' - I don't know how true that is, I think my voice is fairly accent less, probably due to the fact that we travelled a lot during my younger years.

I've also been told that I'm elegant - as my friend C once remarked, 'you even get out of cars with your knees together for god's sake!'

Of course, anyone that knows me knows that it's all an illusion - I may 'talk the talk' and I may 'walk the walk' but there's no one more capable of making a complete arse of themselves than me!

Case in point!

Yesterday (before my lovely K had the chance to give me the kick I needed) I gave myself a kick up the backside.

I posted my cards and blitz my shopping (still a few to go) and then hit the clothes shops in search of a dress.

It's party season and although I have 3 or 4 party dresses I don't actually own a LBD.

I've already missed a couple of parties due to this bloody cold.  Last week I managed a paltry 2 hours at a party sipping lime and soda and snivelling into a tissue.

Well, I'm not missing out on any more!

I've a party to go to on Saturday night, another one on Christmas Eve - one between Christmas and New Year and one on New Years Eve so a new dress is justified I think ;).

Bloody hell, there are some truly horrible dresses out there right now!

I don't want an on the knee black velvet with stretchy lace sleeves thankyouverymuch!  I don't want sequin festooned chiffon and I don't want taffeta with so many layers I have to go through a bloody door sideways!

I want something a little quirky, a bit sexy, slightly slinky, totally frivolous with maybe a discrete touch of bling (sparkly shoulder straps perhaps?).

Hmmm ...

Can I also send out a plea to shops NOT to turn their heating up to tropical?  I know it's December (but actually, it's pretty mild for this time of year).  I'm fighting my way through the crowds with heavy bags, a shit load of stress and the remnants of a cold - I've got inbuilt fecking central heating thank you!

My coat was on and off like a pair of tarts knickers and overheated shops are entirely responsible for what happened next!

My last stop on the way home was Sport Direct for a pair of Goldigga boots for Miss Mac.

I'm not a fan of Sports Direct - they employ 2 dozen teenagers per shop - pay them minimum wage and teach them selective hearing, how to ignore customers (whilst carrying on conversations with each other) and cram in as many racks of clothes as possible so that getting through the shop is like a bloody obstacle course.

However, they DO sell Goldigga boots at an affordable price ...

In I marched and was hit in the face by this solid wall of heat.  Bags down, coat off and I Lambada'd through the racks of clothes to the escalator.

Upstairs was even hotter, I half expected to see a spider monkey or parrot perched on a light fitting!

And then I started feeling a little peculiar ....

Somebody had turned the heat up another notch and sucked all the air out of the shop ...  I needed to get out of there!

But it was too late ....

I'm not sure how I managed to find a six foot long space to go down like a sack of spuds in without impaling myself on a rack of Lycra, just lucky I guess.

Who would have known that was the best way to get service in Sports Direct???

I woke up to half a dozen teenagers crowded around me wondering what the hell to do.

'She needs to see someone' - It's ok, I can see lots of people already thanks ...

'Shall I call her an ambulance?' - You could, but actually my name's Sarah (very bad cracker joke, sorry ;).

Then I realised they WERE actually about to call an ambulance - bloody hell, yoof of today, don't they recognise a faint when they see one?

Like I said, if you need service in a shop can I recommend fainting?

I've still got some shopping to do and I still haven't found that elusive dress but I DID get Miss Macs boots and I didn't have to queue for them - I'd call that a result wouldn't you? ;)

Monday, 3 December 2012

Time Warp

It's been a helluv a weekend - my feet have barely touched the ground!

On Friday a call went out from the Hairy Bikers that the place to be was the Plough ...

Last time I went there it was called Harpoon Louis and it was a restaurant.

We'd had a works Christmas meal there and to be honest, I thought I might still be banned!

I'd just like to point out that it was a blanket ban and it wasn't anything I'd done ok!

Anyway.  It hasn't been on my radar since and I didn't even know it had been converted back to a pub.

It's hard to resist the HB's even though most of them aren't so hairy these days and some of them don't even have bikes anymore (but that's always been my name for them and it's kind of stuck).

I ummed and ahh just a little but had my arm twisted by the news that The Man from Funkle were playing.  Not my absolute favourite band although technically they really are very good.  A little too much 80's dance going on for my liking when I was far more into Punk in that era.


I swear to god I walked into an 80's time warp.  Seriously.  There were people there I thought had died!

It's not a big place and it was heaving.

I stood at the bar and looked around and there was MB.  I don't think I've seen him for about 10 years.  I used to have a bit of a thing about him way, way back and he looked just as gobsmacked to see me.

He'd started on the real ale a little early and by the time we got there (fashionably late) he was in effusive overdrive comparing me to a fine wine that's improved with age ect  Actually not a hugely flattering analogy but hey, he tried.

SD was on top form giving me the lowdown on all the people he knew from the past.  He has an endearing tendency to give me a all the details on someone who then generally turn out to be someone completely different altogether.

We were standing talking to an old friend of his and his wife (who obviously SD couldn't introduce me to) about the days he used to do landscape gardening and how he then moved into teaching.

Suddenly, like a bloody jelly fish she came out of nowhere and said to SD, 'so you're not as stupid as you look then'!!!

I don't know if she was trying to be funny or clever or what - I think she was just bloody rude!

I was tempted to say, 'I don't suppose you're as fat as you look, you just don't have any friends to tell you how big your arse looks in those leggings' - but I resisted ;).

For the record, SD isn't and doesn't look in the least bit stupid!

We sat down and chatted with the HB's who are hilarious when this random woman threw herself onto SD's lap.  I have to say, the women in there that night weren't at all slow at being forward!

Seeing SD totally helpless to do anything about it without actually tipping her on to the floor (which he is far too well mannered to do) was the best entertainment any of us had had all night.

Saturday ....  Do you know, Saturday is a complete blank!

I've NO idea what I did on Saturday ...

Nope, it's gone ....  If it comes back to me I'll let you know.

Sunday was the Christmas Cruz.

A gathering of several hundred VDubbers, Hotrodders, Bikers and Classic car enthusiasts in Bristol followed by a cruise through the town ending up at a big social event.

It raises a huge amount for charity every year and it's a final (forgetting final fling) chance to catch up with some people before next Spring when everything kicks off again.

Sunday night ....  Hmmm ...

Well, I WAS supposed to be heading back up to Bristol to see the Dickies and the Damned but Sunday night means I have childcare issues so I had to give it a miss which I'm gutted about.

Not helped by the world and his wife plastering what a good time they were having all over FB.

One last thing.

Those phone calls....

Well, I had another one over the weekend.  I'd left my phone at home by mistake yesterday and when I got home there was a missed call from an unknown number.  The call actually came on Saturday according to the phone log but I didn't get a notification until yesterday for some reason.

I was all for ignoring it still.  Not that I can do much else when it's an unknown number.

I do still have the number that wasn't witheld and I keep picking up my phone to ring it and then not doing it.

When my phone rang with a withheld number this morning I was surprised at how it shook me up.  Seriously, I was almost too scared to answer it!

But I did.

Bloody recorded message asking me if Id thought about a personal pension!!!

I think the best thing is to ignore it if there are any more.  I'm really pissed off that I'm wasting so much time dwelling on it.

I still can't be sure that there is any connection between the calls and I'm starting to wonder if I didn't just imagine someone calling me a bitch.

It could just be the result of my overactive imagination (ok, not entirely convincing myself here).

Anyway, life's to short to waste time worrying about that kind of crap and I've decided that tomorrow is the day I start putting up my Christmas decorations although if FB is anything to go by I seem to be leaving it rather late!