tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1803854391640222787.post3455074431585072975..comments2023-06-10T12:33:38.632+01:00Comments on PEOPLE DON'T EAT ENOUGH FUDGE: Make It Better - WoWSarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04402703967636964187noreply@blogger.comBlogger19125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1803854391640222787.post-41161629435803788342011-10-15T12:07:33.566+01:002011-10-15T12:07:33.566+01:00I enjoyed the rewrite more as well. The original ...I enjoyed the rewrite more as well. The original to me felt a little rushed, and a little unclear. The rewrite pulled me in with its beginning, and overall it seemed to take its time but without dwelling on any one detail for too long.<br /><br />My favourite line is "Watching it grow smaller and smaller until, like the closing of an eye, the tiny glow of light disappeared in to the inky blackness".Janellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06459852025135239788noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1803854391640222787.post-48253615816469506082011-10-14T16:21:32.241+01:002011-10-14T16:21:32.241+01:00I think the re-write is great, the flow is better ...I think the re-write is great, the flow is better and I agree with Gill about shortening the one sentence. It's the one thing that struck me as well.<br /><br />You're always fun to read, thanks!sars!https://www.blogger.com/profile/18125202218478649496noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1803854391640222787.post-75417437673600356302011-10-14T14:50:04.691+01:002011-10-14T14:50:04.691+01:00Completely agree Gill, the second part of the sent...Completely agree Gill, the second part of the sentence isn't necessary. xSarahhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04402703967636964187noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1803854391640222787.post-91405256898139322011-10-14T14:28:26.058+01:002011-10-14T14:28:26.058+01:00I like your re-write. It is much punchier, as Adam...I like your re-write. It is much punchier, as Adam mentioned. One thing I'm wondering if you could shorten this line even further to really accentuate it:<br />"The truth was that her love just wasn't enough and all she was doing was hurting herself afresh every single day."<br /><br />I'd like to see simply "The truth was that her love just wasn't enough". It's a powerful point and I thought it could do with standing alone? Maybe?<br /><br />Gill xInkPaperPenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14595595934607152505noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1803854391640222787.post-37356464814655117592011-10-14T10:08:51.091+01:002011-10-14T10:08:51.091+01:00Thanks Andy, I haven't had much time to read a...Thanks Andy, I haven't had much time to read and comment this week and the weekends set to be completely mad!<br /><br />Thanks SDND - I like the flow of the rewrite better but I agree, the positive ending to the first is a much better outcome.<br /><br />Funnily enough, I've been giving a great deal of thought into where I want this to go. One possibility was to retire RC and start something new (I almost did after the original of this post) BUT it's not an ending I want for her and I don't think it does her justice.Sarahhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04402703967636964187noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1803854391640222787.post-47765854070328000302011-10-14T00:25:22.860+01:002011-10-14T00:25:22.860+01:00Hi Sarah,
No time to post my own this week, no he...Hi Sarah, <br />No time to post my own this week, no headspace, but enjoying looking at others.<br />great rewrite, in particular like that you rewrote the "she had to find a way to stop this daily flight of emotions" etc: para Breaking into smaller sentences has clarified the intent.<br />I like the original ending too, but because it has hope, rather than the second which is sadder - depends where you want your character to go.<br />Katespring days, new growthhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12809670414388039109noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1803854391640222787.post-75082512883145216512011-10-13T13:14:08.185+01:002011-10-13T13:14:08.185+01:00Hi Sarah!
I am glad I finally have the time to re...Hi Sarah!<br /><br />I am glad I finally have the time to read and comment here. I missed your writing last week so I did try my best to be here.<br /><br />By the way, what i liked most in your rewrite was the definition you gave to her dreams. <br /><br />"...dreams were just a mirage, a reflection of her heart..." - this was way better than the original. But still, I like the original last two paragraphs than the second one. Overall though, descriptions were excellent.=)<br /><br /><br />Smiles,<br /><br /><br /><a href="http://wordsandpen.com" rel="nofollow">Andy</a>Andyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01880911404474923812noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1803854391640222787.post-19362528040500100702011-10-13T00:27:43.381+01:002011-10-13T00:27:43.381+01:00Great rewrite. There was a lot that was unclear in...Great rewrite. There was a lot that was unclear in the original. The rewrite was wonderful in that it kept what you were saying with much more detail about what was going on in the scene. Very nice.T.https://www.blogger.com/profile/01541994660908618237noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1803854391640222787.post-11149978136485649682011-10-12T03:04:14.525+01:002011-10-12T03:04:14.525+01:00The rewrite is fantastic! It flows very nicely. I ...The rewrite is fantastic! It flows very nicely. I love the line "the soft puffs of thistledown" when you are describing the fairies. Details are what makes a story rich, and you did a pefect job of that my friend! :)Stephaniehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03733516439846527903noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1803854391640222787.post-61387152098297917042011-10-11T22:49:40.394+01:002011-10-11T22:49:40.394+01:00Thank you. I like the rewrite more too and I think...Thank you. I like the rewrite more too and I think the story does flow a bit better now :)Sarahhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04402703967636964187noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1803854391640222787.post-71090466893977215152011-10-11T18:02:50.276+01:002011-10-11T18:02:50.276+01:00Love the re write. I like how you made the waves w...Love the re write. I like how you made the waves whisper.. Don't forget to make a wish and I liked how you add'd in a little more and different detail. The re write was a little clearer as well! :)Ramblings of an Honest Hearthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12421173190119742184noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1803854391640222787.post-65431746616172732472011-10-11T14:38:25.474+01:002011-10-11T14:38:25.474+01:00Me too FC - maybe one day ...Me too FC - maybe one day ...Sarahhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04402703967636964187noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1803854391640222787.post-10531480505982604612011-10-11T02:42:55.173+01:002011-10-11T02:42:55.173+01:00I like the re-write. But I do miss the last line f...I like the re-write. But I do miss the last line from the original. I'm a sucker for those kinds of endings.<br /><br />--FeistyA.K. Knighthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16111102807271240215noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1803854391640222787.post-89415912365657053622011-10-10T23:16:46.731+01:002011-10-10T23:16:46.731+01:00Thanks TV ;)
Thank you Lillie, I love the sound o...Thanks TV ;)<br /><br />Thank you Lillie, I love the sound of the sea (although I'm not sure it always gives good advice:)Sarahhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04402703967636964187noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1803854391640222787.post-37232310729298964522011-10-10T22:02:02.633+01:002011-10-10T22:02:02.633+01:00Well done on the rewrite! I especially like how th...Well done on the rewrite! I especially like how the 'rythmic sigh of the waves, whispered, 'Don't forget to make a wish...'!Lillie McFerrinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05367116687588265202noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1803854391640222787.post-12493159987173273782011-10-10T19:21:18.982+01:002011-10-10T19:21:18.982+01:00It's perfect!It's perfect!TVhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06553698737281809907noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1803854391640222787.post-49805977700020124552011-10-10T09:19:27.546+01:002011-10-10T09:19:27.546+01:00Yeah, the second one is much tighter and punchier....Yeah, the second one is much tighter and punchier. Great rewrite.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1803854391640222787.post-90747302780240355062011-10-10T07:25:22.296+01:002011-10-10T07:25:22.296+01:00Thanks TV. I didn't like that line either but...Thanks TV. I didn't like that line either but I kept thinking, 'that is what they have' :) I've changed it slightly, hope it's better now.Sarahhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04402703967636964187noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1803854391640222787.post-35756932259868039162011-10-10T02:31:33.643+01:002011-10-10T02:31:33.643+01:00I absolutely love the rewrite! It is definitely a ...I absolutely love the rewrite! It is definitely a great improvement on the original. You really grabbed on some great occasions for extra description and explained some things that really worked. Great stuff.<br /><br />The only line that bothers me is that "held the metal ring at the bottom" I have no idea why I don't like it... You think there might be another way to phrase that?TVhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06553698737281809907noreply@blogger.com