Funny Friday

March Funny Friday

This weeks photo some how made me think of me, I've no idea who Eric is but I suspect a male version of me WOULD be called Eric ...

Today’s post is this month’s Funny Friday, a regular feature published on the last Friday of every month. Funny Friday is a collaborative project. Each month one of the participants submits a picture, then we all write 5 captions or thoughts inspired by that month’s picture. Links to the other bloggers’ posts are below, click on them and see what they’ve come up with. I hope we bring a smile to your face as you start your weekend.

Here’s today’s picture. It was submitted by Confessions of a part-time working mom     http://thethreegerbers.blogspot.ch/

1. Because, thought Eric - REAL men can do it all in one trip.

2. Sarah was quietly confident that THIS time nobody at the airport would ask that obvious question, 'Did you pack it yourself'.

3. Sarah hadn't expected Eric to take her quite so literally when she told him it was time to paddle his own canoe.

4. 'Yes I packed the sandwiches' Sarah told Eric - ''They're in the blue box along with the map and the car keys'.

5. Reinventing the old tactic of hiding everything under the bed when her Mum told her to tidy her room as she was growing up Sarah proudly admired the pristine interior of her car.

Click on the links below and let some other bloggers make you smile:

Follow me home  (http://followmehome.shellybean.com)

Baking In A Tornado (http://www.BakingInATornado.com)

Someone Else’s Genius (http://www.someoneelsesgenius.com)

Confessions of a part-time working mom (http://thethreegerbers.blogspot.ch/)

The Momisodes (http://themomisodes.com)

Sanity Waiting to Happen (http://www.angelaweight.com)

Spatulas on Parade  (http://spatulasonparade.blogspot.com/)

Juicebox Confession  (http://www.JuiceboxConfession.com)

Cluttered Genius (http://www.clutteredgenius.com)

Stacy Sews and Schools (http://stacysewsandschools.blogspot.com)

People Don’t Eat Enough Fudge (http://peopledonteatenoughfudge.blogspot.co.uk)

The Bergham’s Life Chronicles (http://berghamchronicles.blogspot.com/)

My Punky Dress

I love a bit of rummage through a Charity shop almost as much I hate wearing something that I'm going to see half a dozen other people wearing as I wander through town or when I'm on a night out so I like to combine the two and tend to buy most of my clothes in Charity shops.

I've had some great bargains, a few disasters (which have almost immediately been consigned to my own charity bag) and lots of staples for my wardrobe.

It can be a little daunting going shopping with nothing really planned.  There's no point in deciding what you want before you leave the house, if that's the kind of shopper you are then you really are probably best sticking to the high street shops.

It takes a little time to really get into the Charity shop frame of mind.  At first it seems like there is so much stuff that you couldn't possibly find anything but it really is worth persevering.

Obviously I do shop in the high street for some things.  You really can't beat places like Primark for wardrobe basics like vest tops and I even like their jeans because they have so many styles as well as different lengths which, when you are as tall as me is really important!  I'd rather pay £15 for a pair of jeans that only last one winter than fifty odd quid on a label that doesn't really suit me.

I mentioned a dress that I had bought a few posts ago.

I was in a Charity shop with SD - he likes to look through the DVD's, books and music while I scour the racks of clothes.

I pulled this dress out because the colours caught my eye.  Once I had it in my hand I really wasn't sure.  It looked shapeless and a little old fashioned on the hanger and I asked SD what he thought.

Like me, he liked the colours and the pattern but wasn't sure about it so I tried it on and ...

I absolutely loved it!

I love the slashed neckline which is something I don't usually go for. I love the weight of the fabric which means it skims without being too clingy.  I love the length which is exactly right for me and I really love the 3/4 length slightly fluted sleeves. 

But most of all I love the bold pattern like a child's painting that has been folded in half to form a butterfly and I adore the bright colours when so much of my wardrobe is black or grey.

       

 You can't see them in these photos but I punk the dress up a little by wearing my chunky New Rock boots which were an investment buy (yes, I DO sometimes buy new AND expensive!) and I love the edgy look they give this dress but I could also wear it with sandals in the summer or heels for a feminine look.

I LOVE these boots so much!

So, that was me last weekend with the addition of those boots and some chunky silver jewellery.

Oh, and did I mention, that dress was less than a fiver!

Do you shop at Charity shops?

Like me, do you think one persons cast off is another persons treasure?

Do you love my dress as much as I do ;-)

Scouting For Sarah

Yesterday afternoon SD and I were wandering around Taunton's very own department store Hatchers.

In theory SD was helping me look for a teapot because I feel like now I'm a year older it's really the kind of sensible thing I should own and also because it drive SD mad that I have a tendency to just dump used teabags in the sink rather than putting them straight into the bin.

Anyway, I say in theory because obviously, SHINY STUFF!!!

I was knee deep in kitchen aids and Pyrex and SD was ....  well, somewhere looking at something ... probably teapots because to be honest he IS a little more focused than me ...

Then from behind the Royal Doulton I heard him say - 'this is it!!' - I thought he'd found the perfect two cup teapot for Miss Mac and I to pour our morning cuppa from but no!

His attention had been caught by the background music and this song was playing:

'This is it he said - THIS is your theme tune'.

Tuh ...  What can I say ...  I'm feeling a little coy ...  I'd actually always though the Johnny Cash rendition of One Piece At A Time was more me to be honest but I'm sure, as ever, SD is correct ...  ;-)

It's actually been a pretty great weekend.

This weekend was my 'unofficial' Birthday - (listen, if it's good enough for Liz it's good enough for me ok!).

To be honest, I'd felt just a little cheated at having to share my Birthday with Mothers Day - I mean, I had a great day and all but really, my Birthday is supposed to be all about ME isn't it??

So, I decided to give everyone another chance to celebrate the wonderfulness that is me by having another Birthday this Saturday.  It also gave those who had inexplicably forgotten to wish me a Happy Birthday (actually, just the ONE person) a chance to redeem themselves (which I'm happy to say they did) so in fact it was almost entirely altruistic of me!

Anyway, once I'd decided to have an unofficial Birthday I thought, sod it, why not have a whole Birthday weekend?

It started out on Friday night with a walk to the other side of town to a pub that I rarely go in, The Plough - I even wore my punky dress again as no one I know generally goes to that side of town - I may show you a photo of that dress in a post soon  -  now the Plough used to be the place for all the movers and shakers which was always a pretty good reason to avoid it like the plague but it changed hands a few moths ago so we decided to give it another chance.

I don't think I've ever been to a bigger shit hole in my entire life!

First of all, to get in you have to walk up an ally way at the side of the pub running the gauntlet of all the smokers who puff merrily right in your face!

Once in the empty pub (because everyone is outside sharing carcinogen's) we found an empty table.  I say empty although it still bore the remains of someone's lunch including a dirty knife and  a used napkin and this was at 9:15pm.

There were also inexplicably feathers all over the floor where clearly some kind of avian carnage had enshewed.  As well there was an upended button backed Chesterfield leaning against the window which, as we sat and drank our beer a tiny man who could have been no taller than 5ft scaled like a rat up a drain pipe before reaching into the false ceiling and pulling down an electrical cable in readiness he said, for the band that were playing later.  Looking through the window next to our table which overlooked the smokers ally way I saw a man in a trench coat with a huge feather collar (black feathers as opposed to the white feathers strewn across the floor) talking to another man with a piercing between his brows and a pipe clutched between his (very few) teeth.

We decided to move on ...

We headed further into town, our destination being the Moat House (which I will never call the Apple and Carrot although that might not even be it's name ...) where a band were playing and the glasses were probably clean.

On the way we heard music blasting from another pub, The Black Horse - now no one in their right minds ever ventures into the Back Horse - it's like one of those tableau's you get in museums with wax figures standing with a pint in their hands never lifting them to their lips and strangers are eaten on sight but a guy sitting outside mentioned that the beer was cheap and seeing as it was my unofficial Birthday SD decided to treat me.

I LOVED IT!!

In fact, I loved EVERYTHING about it from the beer which was indeed very cheap, like almost 50% cheaper than The Plough, to the band who were belting out the Blues to the people who were frankly, really fucking odd!

SD was immediately clasped to the very withered bosom of a tiny lady who looked just like a pixie and who claimed to know him from the days of the gay bar across town many years ago.  Actually, we appeared to have inadvertently wandered into the latest gay bar in town which was fine by me because it meant that I could sit back and people watch while SD yet again stole my thunder and got all the attention.

There was plenty to look at from the lady who was possibly in her mid 50's sporting slashed skin tight black jeans, boots that laced up to her thighs and a corset top with a metal back bone to the gay couple in front of us wearing (possibly ironic) matching flat caps who were flirting with a very confused looking man mountain with muttonchops and a moustache who was further perplexed when one of them lay down on the floor in front of him and waved his legs about like an upturned beetle.

I REALLY need to get a new phone with a working camera so I can take some photos for you!

Saturday was far more sedate with a trip to West Bay in Dorset to admire the bikes on the seafront and eat locally caught fish and chips in the sunshine.  I can't believe I forgot to take the camera so here is a photo from my Birthday trip to West Bay last year when again, it was warm enough to wear shorts!

can you believe this was MARCH!

Saturday night was more beer with more friends for my Birthday weekend and Sunday afternoon was spent recovering in a pub garden.

You know what?  I think that despite the fact that it wasn't my official Birthday weekend it worked out pretty well really ...

Stuff In Sarah's House (part one)

The other day Angela from Sanity Waiting To Happen wrote a post about the stuff in her house.

Well, I'M not one to waste time thinking up stuff to blog about when I can just steal ideas from other people (actually, nor is Angela because she pinched it from someone else  ...).

What REALLY struck me was how Angela and I are practically twins ...

 I KNOW -  ANOTHER one!! - I'm like some kind of multiple birth explosion - either that or someone's been stealing my DNA and cloning me ...

That's actually pretty unlikely I'll admit but it COULD happen ...

Anyway, apart from weird shit like a hornets nest that she hangs in her sons bedroom (and I'd thought toe nail clipping were as bad as it got) we really do have some remarkably similar things dotted around our houses.

Once I'd started taking photos of my stuff I quickly realised that it was going to be a really long post if I included it all so I'm going to make this an on going series (yeah right I hear you say - heard THAT one before) - bear with me - could happen - probably won't but it COULD!!

Like Angela I'm going to start with some of my collection of old bottles:

These are just a few of the bottles I have and they come from various places.

The blue glass ones are from charity shops and car boot sales (I have many more) and the glass jelly mould was my Grandmothers - I think I might start collecting glass jelly moulds ...  The others were dug out of a bank locally and are pretty interesting.  The green bottles are beer bottles from  S W Arnold and Sons a local brewer and the glass bottles are medicine bottles with the measurements for one tablespoon down one side and two tablespoons down the other:

Next Angela showed us her great painting of a fish reading a book ...

Well, I'm not sure I can beat THAT but I have got THIS ...

Can you believe someone was going to throw this away???  SD brought it back for me thinking I might want to paint over the canvas but I love it just as it is so it's going on the wall.

I call it 'Humpty and the Beanstalk'.

Mixing it up a little now - Angela has been painting her hall and, co-incidentally I too have been painting!!

Told you we were twins ...

Actually, I started painting my bathroom a couple of months ago but after painting out the blue and white beach hut stripes I kind of ran out of steam.

Despite the fact the BP thinks I'm weird I AM going to paint my bathroom grey - I just have to decide which shade hence the stripes on the wall - I actually like the middle one best but I wonder if it might be a little too dark ..

Finally (for today) Miss Mac's guitar - Miss Mac decided she wanted to learn to play the guitar in year 5 and so this was purchased.  She had about 3 lessons, gave the MOST appalling recital at the school assembly (trust me - it was BAD) and then gave it up.  It's now been decorated and she uses it as a doorstop which I have to say is a MUCH better use of it!

So there you are, just a few of the things lying around my house - there are many more which I may or may not get around to taking photos of at some point but I think that this time I might just finish what I've started (but don't hold your breath ...)

Things That Make You Go Hmmm ...

By some strange coincidence I actually wrote this post about 'Things That Make You Go Hmmm' last week BEFORE I saw that this week we were talking about the very same thing over at The Lounge.

So, here are a few of the things that made ME go Hmmm last week ...

'Does that mean I have to put on a bra?'

'Do you think I need to vacuum?'

Two burning questions in the face of the phone call I got from SD on Saturday evening an hour before he was due at my house for dinner before we went out for the evening to celebrate my Birthday Eve.

SD isn't big on entertaining which, in the face of my faux pas (s) when formal dining is probably a GOOD thing but he does like a bit of 'lets' throw Sarah right into the shit by offering an impromptu invite to dinner at the last minute' to his friends on occasion.

I did consider suggesting Miss Mac (for twas she who had the bra dilemma) shove a chicken fillet or two down her top to defrost if she DID decide to honor our guest by wearing underwear thus eliminating the problem of how to divide 3 fecking chicken breasts between four people!

Also, I reckon if they ever decide to make potato peeling an Olympic sport then I'm in with a chance of gold.  Seriously!!  I am a spud speed peeler!!!

I can peel enough potatoes for four and have them boiling in the time it takes for the ad break in the Real House Wives Of Cheshire which, if you haven't seen it already then you really must!

It's reality car crash TV at it's best and I'm hooked.  It's full of over made up, over privileged footballers wives who constantly need to 'have a little chat' with each other usually to discuss the fact that they have been outrageously bitching about one an other and then told each other.  It's a bit like the cast of TOWIE who like to ''Av a little word' but with more bling and botox.

On the whole though I think I prefer The Real House Wives particularly Migali who pronounces it Sheshshire and who is slightly less up her own arse than the others who I'm fairly sure have to insert a toothbrush into their rectums to clean their teeth.

I didn't bother vacuuming by the way as I've discovered you don't really notice the fluff and dog hair all over the carpet if you have the foresight to have fairy lights strung around your doorways and you turn the main light off - this was working REALLY well until SD walked in and turned the bloody light on!

Talking of mothers which I wasn't but if I had been because it WAS Mother Day on Sunday, I was reminded of the day my Mum got her knickers caught on Uncle Max's fence when reading a post by Flossing The Cat (go over and read her blog, she's a funny lady.  I promise you won't be disappointed!).

We lived in a very small village when I was growing up and there really wasn't much going on so we had to make our own amusement.  Now I KNOW you're thinking that stringing your mother up by her undercrackers on a barbed wire fence really isn't a kind thing to do however tedious the long winters were but what can I say - this was before breakfast TV was even invented!

Anyway, WE didn't actually string her up, she managed to do that all by herself.  All we did was sit with our noses pressed up against the net curtain in the bay window and piss ourselves laughing as she wriggled like a fish on a hook, arms and legs waving around like a loony shouting obscenities at a field full of bemused cows.

Of course we COULD have been kinder and gone to her aid but it might have been emotionally damaging to come into contact with my mothers interlocking poly-cotton at such a tender age - just think of the physcological ramifications - I could have been scared for life and then where would Fudge be hmmm??

Talking of Miss Mac (which I also wasn't but I am now).

Sometimes I think she is wise beyond her tender years.  She is SO full of insight and a real deep thinker, I think it's very clear that she is my daughter.

For instance:

Just yesterday we went into town together as my Birthday money was burning a hole in her pocket and she thought it would be a good use of some of it if I bought her a new top.

On the way in she remarked, 'you know, I think I know why men don't think women break wind' - obviously I was curious, I mean I know that I don't do it but I'm sure that other women do from time to time and I wonder how they hide the fact.

'It's because of our underwear' she said - 'Think about it, if you wear a thong (and I'm talking the English type of thong for those from across the water - those things YOU call thongs are actually flip flops ok?) it kind of splits the exit point in two so rather than the expelled air making your buttocks vibrate which is what makes the noise a thong just disperses it'.

I considered this point carefully and had to concede that she was in all probability correct.

I've said it before and I'll say it again - I think people who spend any amount of time with me actually absorb wisdom from me through some kind of process of osmosis, How else can you explain her logic?

Fortunately I appear to be an infinite source because how sad would it be if I became depleted?  The world would surly be a less fascinating place without my little pearls of wisdom.  Hopefully over time Miss Mac will continue to be such a good student and, who know, perhaps one day she too will have a daughter just like her.

Sarah's Day

Yesterday was a pretty big day here in the UK.

A day when the whole country came together to celebrate the wonderfulness that is ME Motherhood.

Yesterday was MY BIRTHDAY Mothers Day!

I had a great day and I'm siting here surrounded by my loot.  Chocolates, flowers, clothes, jewellery, bottles of booze, books, some cute little fairy lights in the shape of birdcages, bath smellies, a ceramic heart and driftwood hangy thingy and a bizarre frog with a butterfly net (thanks Big D ...) and a shelf full of cards.

All in all I think I did pretty well and I still have lots of Birthday money to spend too.

It's been a bit of a frantic weekend.  On Saturday SD set off for Wales with a friend to pick up van number 4, seriously FOUR vans, I worry slightly that he might just have lost the plot!

Actually, the one van he REALLY wants to keep has now been sold.  He loves his old Syncro but it's just too old an too tired and, after 2 years of talking about changing it he managed to buy 3 more within a couple of months all before selling the first one.

Well, the Syncro has now gone to a lovely man who flew over from Ireland to pick it up and (fortunately) after test driving the one in Wales SD decided it wasn't for him so that leaves us with just the two which is possibly still at least one more than the average person requires ...

Anyway, as Saturday was my Birthday Eve we had planned to go out and celebrate in style with friends at our local where coincidentally my very favourite local band Snappa were playing.

I shook my tail feathers along to the Blues Brothers and Woo Hoo'd along with Blur, Snappa are SERIOUSLY good - have a listen here ...

http://www.lemonrock.com/snappa?page=mp3s

That's me at the back just before I skidded half way down the bar on the beer that some strange bloke dressed in a pink jacket I assume he stole from his mother had spilled all down my leg and over the floor right into that really tall bloke twisting my knee in the process so now I'm hobbling around and moaning a lot!

I was also wearing this really cool dress that you can't see but trust me, it is SO COOL.  I found it in a Charity shop a few weeks ago.  It's kind of like one of those paintings you do as a child where you paint one half of the paper and then fold it in half to make a butterfly print in greens and purple and blues, very short (obviously) and with a real punky edge.  If technology was my friend right now I'd take a photo and show you.

I was going to tell you all about the latest stuff I've text to myself but that will have to wait until I've actually worked out what the hell I was talking about but I hope you all had a great weekend celebrating MY BIRTHDAY Mothers Day or just a great weekend doing whatever it was that you did.

Now, go and listen to Snappa - I INSIST!

Wordless Wednesday

This is the first time I've linked up with Trish from My Littler Drummer Boys for Wordless Wednesday.

It's so rare to get a photo of me and my beautiful Miss Mac together and one where I'm not pulling some kind of weird face is an added bonus!

It's lost a little definition in being cropped but hey, I've lost a few wrinkles in the process too so I'm not complaining!

I Am A Work In Progress (An Update)

I read a post this morning in that convoluted way where you hop from one blog to another while you ignore your enormous 'to do' list - no idea how I found it so I can't link to it but it was one of those where someone re-visits a post to see how they are doing.

Well, I re-posted this a few months ago with a follow up post detailing how I'd failed in just about every resolution I'd made so I thought I take another look and see if i can actually tick something off because that was WEEKS ago and surely I must have done some of these by now ...

So, here it is - I Am A Work In Progress ...

I will/will not/possibly should (but probably won't):

1. Take off make-up after a night out so that do not wake up with scary black caverns in place of eyes in pale face in manner of Edvard Munch scream painting but with additional mad Brian May hair and may even start plaiting hair before bed to avoid mad Brian May look the morning after (although slightly concerned that this might just be a short hop to wearing a hair net and bed-socks ….).
   
   Too hard!  So much easier to just stop wearing makeup altogether which just results in my looking like a scary painting ALL of the time.  Considered hairnet but am concerned that it may somehow become entwined with SD during the night and garrote him and will end up on involuntary murder charge and no lift to supermarket to do big weekly shop!
   
   
2. Will always (in the manner of Garfield) be sincere whether I mean it or not.
   
   Nailed it!!
   
   
3. Will ascertain how drunk SD really is on Christmas Eve an hour after leaving him unattended and semi sober in the pub BEFORE replying to his drunken friends who say – 'I hear you are cooking chicken – can I come to dinner' in case he really HAS invited them!
   
   Have resolved never to leave SD unattended or semi sober in pub (why should HE have all the fun??) and to change my mobile number.
   
   
4. Will not send jokey text in reply to SD's drunken friends who ask – 'I hear you are cooking chicken for SD and Jon – can I come round too?' but will ignore them in dignified manner rather than say – 'of COURSE, the more the merrier!'
   
   Will become a vegetarian before next Christmas and only cook responsibly sourced nuts, tofu and seaweed thus ensuring that NO ONE ever requests an invite to dinner.
   
   
5. Will not panic when get text saying – 'Cool – me, Mark, Ray, Eddy, Neil, Rick, Sam and Luke are on the way' and start frantically counting the legs on the chicken muttering 'why the fuck do they only have two???' or send back text saying 'bring your own chairs'.
   
   Buy more chairs or genetically engineer chickens with multiple legs OR become a vegetarian.
   
   
6. Will not run out of house (still wearing too short for casual day wear but  possibly ok for Christmas Eve in the pub dress ) and bang on neighbour round the corners door to borrow tin foil (and enquire about possible spare chicken legs) and return bearing tin foil, large roll of carpet, home-made chutney and a huge bunch of keys as clearly, other than home made chutney, cannot serve any of these to possible impending guests.
   
   Buy tin foil, either confess to neighbour that have lost large bunch of keys or move.
   
   
7. Will not at semi formal dinner party (obviously NOT mine ...) refer to or even think of fellow guest as an over privileged wanker.
   
   Have inexplicably NOT been invited to any formal dinner parties recently therefore can confidently tick this one off list!
   
   
8. Wear a dress that inexplicably rides DOWN revealing tits in manner of porn star.
   
   Considered just BECOMING a porn star but would then have to wax legs and other bits and practise pouting and may be simpler to just set up telephone chat line and let foliage grow.
   
   
9. Lean over table in porn star dress to reach desert wine (or spit disgusting dessert wine back into glass).
   
   Can confidently say that I will NEVER attempt to drink desert wine again - another one ticked off (I am quietly proud ...)
   
   
10. Wonder why very plain and disapproving looking wife of over privileged wanker appears to be wearing a monks robe in fetching plum colour presumably obtained from Joe Brown catalogue where they sell such things along with jacquard waistcoats and things that chop hard boiled eggs into neat slices but remember that have just flashed tits at her husband so no doubt she has reason to look disapproving regardless of what she's wearing.
    
    Have perused Joe Brown catalogue and earmarked culottes and a fetching blouse with Peter pan collar for SD to buy me for my up coming Birthday so should I ever be invited to formal dinner party again I WILL be appropriately dressed!
    
    
11. Wear any dress that is short enough to require cycling shorts to be worn underneath and/or is see through ( but perhaps buy flesh coloured slip along with hairnet and bed socks with M&S Christmas voucher rather than gourmet chocolates and wine).
    
    Bought more cycling shorts with M&S voucher - Sometimes you just HAVE to be yourself!
    
    
12. Remember to top up tin of Roses chocolate from secret box hidden in cupboard under the stairs so that no one knows I have eaten all the strawberry and orange creams (as well as the caramels …).
    
    Won a tin of Roses in the raffle at pensioners Bingo so ate the rest of tin AND secret stash and NO ONE KNEW!!

13. Teach daughter responsible drinking habits before next News Years Eve party.
    
    Allowed her to go to friends NYE party and passed that responsibility onto friends mother.
    
    
14. Debate with self possibility that teaching daughter responsible drinking habits before next News Years Eve party is in fact irresponsible parenting as should obviously be condemning demon drink to impressionable 14 (although almost 15) year old.
    
    As she is 15, almost 16 now have concluded that she almost certainly has a stash of empty vodka bottles under her bed by now and I have probably missed the boat on this one.
    
    
15. Do not consider saying daughter is nearly 15 makes irresponsibly parenting somehow less irresponsible.
    
    See above - this one is now invalid which is ALMOST the same as ticking it off which is what I shall do!
    
    
16. Dress appropriately at all times but in particular when attending school events and NOT wear t-shirt with slogan 'Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me?' to academic tutoring thingy in lecture theatre where, while waiting to see scary Scottish form tutor, am forced to sit in front row facing sea of teachers sitting round desks discussing children's progress with appropriately dressed parents (or alternatively take cardigan which buttons up to neck to hide t-shirt).
    
    Still working on this one - have also added:  Will not turn up late (although I maintain they started early!) - walk into packed lecture theatre while speeches are on and make 12 people stand up so that I can get to the only spare seat RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROW while daughters friends fathers try frantically to read writing on the front of t-shirt!
17. Buy cardigan.
    
    Tick!!!  TICK - I bought a cardigan - No, not really but SD's Mum did buy me one.  Am fully expecting hair net and bed sock to follow any day...
    
    
18. Give unopened tin of Quality Street to deserving cause as Jan 6th is probably a reasonable time to stop eating chocolate for breakfast.
    
    That one was a red herring - seriously?  Give away chocolate??  Are you MAD???
    
    
19. Aide Memoire (I knew it would come to me!!!).
    
    My intellect scares me sometimes ...
20. Spend more time on personal grooming i.e. have eyebrows waxed on regular basis rather than just growing fringe to cover forehead and allowing eyebrows to run hither and thither across face like a lamb gambolling through a daisy strewn field in the Spring (although do not have actual daisies growing on forehead to my knowledge).
    
    Have checked again for daisies and appear to be free from gambolling weeds although eyebrows could do with a little attention from hedge trimmer.
    
    
21. Remember that if I have to ask myself (or others) if it's a long top or a short dress then it's probably a long top!
    
    It's ALWAYS a long top ...
    
    
22. Spend more time cleaning carpets and generally being a better person.
    
    Having re-read this I already feel like a much better person albeit one with minging carpets.
    
    Has anyone else had such outstanding success with their resolutions?  Are you quietly impressed by the progress you have made so far this year?

Famous first Lines Of Posts I Never Finished

So I've come up with this completely BRILLIANT idea!!

Ok, I confess ...  It's not actually MY idea, it's Angela's from Sanity Waiting To Happen

In fact, it's not even Angela's idea because she pinched it from Helle at Straight From Helle but APART from that it's entirely my own idea (except for the title of the post which I stole directly from Angela ...).

But other than that it's a totally unique idea that I just thought up all by myself ...

Now everybodys got posts in draft for various reasons haven't they and it's such a waste.  I mean, they COULD be the beginings of the post that rockets you into bloggy super stardom couldn't they?

For instance, one languishing in drafts over at Angelas blog starts with:

I just heard someone use the expression “happy as a clam.” Are clams like little self help gurus of the ocean? I bet they write motivational books and give seminars on gratitude and embracing life. And I bet every time a clam gets caught in a net, the other shell fish are like “how happy are ya now? you pompous jackass.”

I don't know about you but I'd like to know where that one was going!

Talking of which, last night SD said something didn't 'cut the mustard' - I mean, who the hell says THAT these days ...

Anyway, I thought I share a few of the beginnings of posts that never got to see the light of day on MY blog so here they are:

1)

I always worry when I find myself googling burlap. I mean, burlap and hessian are obviously the biggest thing since black forest gateaux and hard boiled eggs cut into daisies but WTF exactly IS burlap and why has everybody but me got a never ending supply of the stuff... (I was obviously having a crafting crisis at the time)

2)

Some people are so organised
its almost like a dance
I'm more like a trapeze artist
as I fly by the seat of my pants
(during my poetry phase ...)

3)

I TIRE of you ... Can you believe SD said those exact words to me the other day?

I kid you not!!

Bloody hell SD, how very 18th century of you - all it needed was a dashing of the back of the hand across your beleaguered brow to complete the gesture ...

4)

I AM HOT!!

In fact, I'm hot x 3, tall and gorgeous and much younger than SD.

It's TRUE!!

(Not that I would say so myself of course but then,  who am I to disagree ...)

5)

What's your favourite colour?

I paused, milk dripping from my spoonful of fruit and fibre to consider Miss Macs question.

Turquoise, I said.

Not you, I'm asking Gus (our Border Collie).

Gus, tennis ball in mouth looked as perplexed as I did.  He cocked his head to one side questioningly.

Wuuumph

Green ...?  Blue ...?  Red ...?

'It's hard to talk with a mouthful of ball.'

Three pairs of eyes swivelled to look at SD who shrugged nonchalantly and carried on eating his breakfast.

6)

To be is to do - Socrates ... To do is to be - Sartre ... Do be do be do - Sinatra ... (saw that somewhere and it made me chuckle)

7)

I'm a posh bird - WHAT??  It's TRUE!!!

I've got the skirting in my kitchen to prove it!

Actually, there's a loose bit of skirting in my kitchen that I keep forgetting about because it's propped up in place and you cant see its loose.  This bit of skirting has recently become the exclusive 'club entrance' for the movers and shakers of the slug world.

Seriously - I couldn't work out how the little bastards were getting in and leaving their disgusting. slimy, silvery trails all over my kitchen floor each night and (gag) over the cats bowls until SD accidentally kicked the skirting the other night and knocked it over.

There on the other side of the wood was the biggest, slimiest slug I'd ever seen (and I've seen some woppers!!) - I screamed, Miss Mac screamed and SD manfully picked up the bit of skirting with the slug attached and went to throw it out of the door - except he dropped it ....  and the slug fell on his foot .... and SD swore .... a lot ....!!

Then he kicked that little sucker across the path where it hit the wall with a soft sluggy kind of thud and STUCK - for a moment ...  Then it slid down the wall and landed in my tomato plants.

8)

I sometimes feel like I'm living in some kind of parallel universe or maybe even on another planet entirely.

Be honest. Who else got chased by a daffodil with an electrified badminton racket this weekend?

Hmmm .... no takers?

Didn't think so!

I also had my leg humped at a party by a randy dog - Broke up a fight between Miss Mac and the hosts 10 year old son. Went to listen to a band in the roughest pub in town where I was just grateful no one spat on me. Had a very drunk bloke tell me that he thought SD was prettier than me  And, to top it all SD burnt a hole in my bloody mattress!

9)

SD worries about me in a very sweet way.

He worries that I don't eat enough, he worries that I'll get cold if I don't wear enough, he worries that I'll get lost if I go out on my own or that I'll start chatting to random strangers who will show me their rashes (what? It happens!)

He worries most of all that I'll do or say something incredibly embarrassing whilst were are out in public together (but he's learning to live with THAT one ;).

10)

I think I have an ism ...  possibly it's a phobia , at the very least  it's an allergy.

It became very apparent on Saturday night when I was out listening to a band but I'll tell you about that later.   The Racehorse is a proper Irish bar with a certifiable landlady, hard drinking bikers and the source of my 'ism' - extremely badly dressed women wearing lots of makeup with frankly terrifyingly large breasts!

So, that's just a few of the things that either didn't make it on to the blog or were re-written and appeared in a different form.

There are also of course the text that I sent to myself with snippets to be used in blog posts that on re-reading make absolutely no sense to me whatsoever .

For instance:

Faux Mo Throw and Tomato Leprechaun ...

Both of which I'm fairly sure would have made GREAT blog posts if only I knew what the hell I was talking about!

Have you got loads of stuff in draft?  Care to share it?  Anything here you want me to elaborate on?

What is YOUR sheep Name? (this quick quiz will reveal ALL)

The theme at The Lounge this week is Memes - now I'm always a little confused about what is and what isn't a meme but I figure a quiz CAN be a meme and if loads of people actually DO the quiz then it definitely is ...  Isn't it??

I'm going to link this one up anyway ...

I know you've all been hanging out for this so I've spent the last couple of days putting together a very useful quiz which will help you to determine what your SHEEP name should be.

Special mentions go to:

Ok, well I started to post mentions to all those who commented with great sheep names but then my actual post started to disappear off the page so I gave up.  I would have used them all too but that would have meant thinking up even MORE answers and being this clever is actually quite HARD you know!

So, without further ado let's find out what YOUR sheep name would be!


Question no 1.  What's your favourite colour?

a)  Cerulean

b)  Magenta

c)  Ecru

d) Those aren't colours, they are FOOD (you can't catch me out!).


Question no 2.  On a blind date would you rather your date:

a)  Wore a jumper he'd knitted himself.

b)  Drank orange juice and coke mixed in the same glass.

c)  Had big sweat marks under his nylon clad pits and generated enough static from said shirt to power a small sub station.

d)  Was in a different county.



Question no 3.  Whilst on holiday have you ever:

a)  Been head butted and had your nose broken.

b)  Dyed any of your offspring (or yourself) blue.

c)  Been invited by a member of a coven to a ritual burning.

d)  No, but I was once caught cleaning snails with a toothbrush and a hosepipe by my next door neighbour.



Question no 4. If someone handed you a rope and said 'Sort this out and tell me when something's     happening'  would you:

a)  Twirl the rope in your hand whilst looking around waiting for something to happen.

b)  Contemplate your feet as they slowly sink into 12 inches of cow shit.

c)  Make a Macrame hanging pot holder and a few crocheted flowers with it.

d)  Wander off and take a photo of a bush.



If your answers were mostly A's Then your sheep name is EWEnice :

You have a kind heart (although perhaps a wonky nose).  You are often confused by the things that most people take for granted but at least you don't have cow shit between your toes.


If your answers were mostly B's then your sheep name is RAMbo:

You're a bit odd aren't you?  Everybody knows that magenta isn't a real colour, it's a kind of cornmeal porridge thing that you grill (sometimes mispronounced as POLenta).  You often have cow shit between your toes but most people are too busy looking at your blue child to notice.

If your answers were mostly C's then your sheep name is BAAAbra.

You are a well grounded down to earth sort of person.  People turn to you for advice on many matter ranging from laundry tips to energy savings.  Mostly you can't answer them but it doesn't matter as you are always happy to knit them a scarf.


If your answers were mostly D's then your sheep name is EWEgine (or Ewegina)

You are possibly the cleverest of all people!!  Nothing catches you out, you have a mind like a very small planet, possibly even one as large as Uranus (can you tell which answers SD gave yet ...) you are kind to gastropods and shrubs.


If you thought any or all of these questions were silly, pointless or irrelevant then your sheep name is:

BAArba RAMalangadingdong and I do SO hope you have a pleasant day whilst this song plays on a loop in your head :-)

Got a feeling this post is going to go VIRAL! (or at the very least have a slight temperature ...)

Ps. if you have any burning questions and feel that one of my quizzes may help to give you the answers you so crave then please feel free to ask - I have many useful insights and much untapped wisdom that I am always happy to share ...