I Am A Work Of Art (although slightly abstract ...)

Well, it's the 14th of January so I thought I'd do a brief recap on my previous post and see how I'm getting on so far.

It seems I am, to be honest, still a bit crap at most things …

I am though making more effort to remove my make up at night and have invested in various elixir of youth in an attempt to stop my face collapsing into folds and creases but I haven't started to plait my hair before bed so Brian May lives on (have also avoided hair net and bed socks so far).

Have not had my sincerity tested yet but have spent some considerable time avoiding situations where it might be put into question which is almost the same thing isn't it?

Have not held any dinner parties impromptu or otherwise.

Have not called round to see neighbour who has/had tin foil as would then have to confess to having lost huge bunch of keys.

Have not (inexplicably) been invited to any dinner parties semi formal or otherwise, worn a dress, exposed my tits or drunk dessert wine.

Have checked out Joe Brown catalogue and considered buying thing that chops eggs into neat slices before remembering that have a strong aversion to hard boiled eggs and might perhaps do better investing in a jacquard waistcoat.

Have not worn a dress at all as too bloody cold/wet at the moment and so have not bought flesh coloured slip to languish at back of underwear drawer as token, never to be worn, decency item of underwear and have spent Christmas M&S voucher on gourmet chocolates and cycling shorts. (to be worn whilst actually cycling rather than as supplementary underwear for too short dresses)

Eaten all the strawberry and orange creams (as well as the caramels) from the secret box of Roses hidden in the cupboard under the stairs …

Have dressed appropriately on almost every occasion so far this year i.e. waders, muffler and balaclava.

Have not bought cardigan or given away chocolates or plucked eyebrows or cleaned carpets …

In addition I HAVE/WILL:

Spent a frantic half hour searching house and shed for bike before remembering I'd left it chained up outside Sainsburys the night before. (Also still pace the bike racks of town trying to identify my bike when I've remembered I've cycled in. Have not, as yet, invested in colourful scrunchie (as suggested by K) to slip over handle bar for easy identification.)

Developed an aversion to the automatic doors in Debenhams which have a slight delay and wait until the moment that I can't stand the indecision any more and reach out to push them before opening outwards towards me and smacking me in the face.

Decided to teach 14 (almost 15) year old daughter responsible dressing rather than responsible drinking as seems more age appropriate and responsible parenting - obviously having considered hair net, flesh coloured slip and a cardigan I am now fairly confident in my expertise in this area.

Observe that 14 year old daughter is almost without fail always appropriately dressed and realise that have apparently already taught her this valuable lesson perhaps by osmosis or something and feel slightly smug.

Wonder if others (like that man who stood in front of me rocking back and forth as I drank my coffee the other day) are also attempting to absorb my wisdom by process of osmosis AND if in fact this DEPLETES my wisdom or is it infinite? (in which case of course I'm happy to share but in fact suspect that they are STEALING it which might explains why I am so crap at most things or would at least absolves me of some responsibility for being so crap).

Thanked SD profusely for rehanging my bathroom door as the pin in one hinge had broken and it rubbed on the floor without pointing out that it now rubs on the top of the frame and is not exactly FIXED but is at least different as remembered from dog training book that one must always give praise for effort.

Remember to go online to book appointments for parents evening at end of month with Miss Mac's teachers and attempt to be slightly less smug in the fact that Miss Mac obtained 14 A's (and 2 predicted A*) in her report and an achievement award for excellence (attempted smuglessness … failed dismally ...) as this is possibly in spite of rather than because of positive parenting efforts and, after futile search of wardrobe for suitable, responsible parent outfit to wear to parents evening consider asking if I can borrow monks robe (or similar) from disapproving wife of over privileged wanker.

Stop reading Helen Fielding as have clearly (presumably also by osmosis) picked up Bridget Jones diary style format of blog posting (although as pointed out by the delectable Feisty Cat am sexier, funnier and a much better hostess!) but will attempt to revert to more 'Fudge' style in future. (am also slightly disillusioned with latest offering from Fielding as she inexplicably jumped almost 20 years, killed off Mark Darcy and turned Daniel Cleaver into a pathetically caricatured shadow of his former self which, should I continue to absorb, could lead to similar in own life).

Become a better person.