Tuesday, 10 November 2015

The Jungle (part II)

So,  back to Internet dating .... (I have edited this post slightly putting it into the past tense to avoid confusion)

It's a bit of a jungle out there guys.

The thing is, people aren't always who they say they are.

I can honestly say that I never lied to anyone.  The photos of me on the site were genuine.  If I did agree to go on a date with someone then I was be up front about who I am and what I was looking for because that's the way I am.

 Integrity is something I value very highly in myself and in others.

In other words, don't bullshit me, I'm dealing with enough crap already thanks!

Moving on ...  Never let it be said that I allowed introtrospection to stand in the way of a good blog post :)

I thought I'd share a few tips and hints with any men out there who

a) might be (or are already) contemplating the dating scene and

b) actually want to get a date out of it :)

Badoo (FB's dating site) it pretty crap in that it doesn't let you write your own profile.  Basically you get a a preordained tick list so everything is very generic, very samey, very interchangeable.

This means that your photo is even more important.  It's the only individual thing that you have.

The truth is, I was never not going to message you (or reply to a message) if you were wearing ANY of the following:

A nappy (and sucking a dummy)
An anorak
A bird on your head
A fez
An orange curly wig
A plastic green rain hat

If you were naked (or appear naked) - If you dressed as a Tellytubby - If you were a dot in the distance - Draped all over another woman - Lying in a pool of your own vomit - Pouting - Or your photo is of animal from the Muppets (altho' I DO have a certain fondness for THE Animal;)

If you have huge nostrils (and yes, Badoo choose my 'up the nose' shot as MY profile picture but as I never tire of pointing out, that is an ART shot ok!) - If you have an even bigger overbite - If you are licking a truncheon - If you call yourself Tally Wacker or Spunky or even King Jiz the chances are I'm not going to fall over myself to go on a a date with you.

If you are called Jerry I would probably give you a wide berth purely because I would feel obliged to assume Margots persona from the Goodlife and while I'm pretty sure I could carry off the pseudo snobbery fairly well, I really couldn't be arsed to dust all those ornaments.

If you could avoid ALL of the above AND manage a message without sexual innuendo that sounded semi normal then your luck could be in.

Did I say LUCK???  Haha, lets not forget, it was ME they might end up going on a date with ;)

The chances are I'd break a limb (yours or mine), be mistaken for a hooker or jinx their car in some way.*

*All of which have befallen the poor unfortunates I have dated in the past ...


joeh said...

I either need an interpreter for half of the don't do's, or they are very disturbing.

Sarah said...

They are genuinely very disturbing Joe (and all real life examples ...). Before I went on a dating site I would have assumed that you wouldn't need to point out ANY of those do's and don'ts but sadly I was proved wrong ...