fudge

Tuesday, 10 May 2016

Things YOU wouldn't do (a re-run)

 I was reading a post by Val just now about how Hick has bought a goat to keep the mini pony company and it reminded me of the time that we thought it would be a good idea to buy a sheep to keep SD's Dads goat company.

It  really, REALLY wasn't ...

****

Yesterday after a conversation with a friend, I suggested that my next blog post could be something along the lines of the things I've done that normal people probably wouldn't.

When he said 'That would be an incredibly long blog post ....' I have to admit to being slightly affronted!

Bloody cheek!

How dare he.

How dare he be so ...

So ...

SO. ...

RIGHT!

I'm FULL of great ideas.

That's why Thursday evening found me straddling a sheep as it repeatedly smacked the crap out of my face with it's bony little head.

Remember I told you a couple of weeks ago that we were going to get a cute little lambykin to keep the goat company?

Cute little lambykins grow people - cute little lambykins bloody grow!!!

Not only had that cute little sucker almost doubled in size in the last two weeks - she is now slightly bigger than my dog Gus and twice his weight but she had also been out in the field and suddenly wasn't quite so people friendly.  Added to which she was extremely pissed off at having her ears tagged that morning.

A couple of weeks ago when she had been cute and cuddly and tried climbing out of the pen so I could scratch her behind the ears it had all seemed like such a doddle.  She was going to sit on my lap on the way to the farm while I told her tales of how lovely life was going to be as she frolicked in the paddock with her soon to be big sis the nanny goat.

Cue reality check!!

I got into the back of the van and opened my arms for a woolly little bundle of fluffiness and Will (who's bastard sheep it was) heaved this thrashing mass of pissed off mutton with flailing legs into my arms.

WHAAAH!!!

I grabbed a hank of oily wool in each hand and looked into it's mean little eyes - 'GET OFF MY BLOODY FOOT YOU BASTARD' I crooned lovely in it's fluffy little ear.

It headbutted me.

'KEEP STILL AND STOP BLOODY HEADBUTTING ME' I whispered soothingly.

It headbutted me again.

'GET OFF MY BLOODY FOOT - STOP HEADBUTTING ME AND DON'T YOU DARE SHIT ON MY FOOT'

It headbutted me again, shit on my foot and then SAT on it!!!

Will (the bastard)  had been watching all this with great amusement eventually stepped in and said 'try this' as he whipped her head around to the side and appeared to almost insert it up her rectum.

I tried it.

She headbutted me.

'Ok, try THIS' he said not even trying to control his mirth and he picked up one of her legs and held it under her belly.

I tried it.

She headbutted me.

'Hang on' said Will and he disappeared for a couple of minutes and returned with a paper feed sack.

He popped it over her head and half her body.

'That should calm her down he said'.

Phew!!!

Then she headbutted me.

Next followed the longest 20 minutes of my entire life as we drove to the farm.

I was hanging off my seat with my legs clamped around her fat little belly.  One hand gripping her wool so tightly my hand still hurts, the other holding the bag over her head as she shouted really loudly in my ear and smacked me in the face every couple of seconds.

SD of course thought I was making a fuss about nothing!!

Ive no idea what the people in the car that pulled up beside us at the lights thought but I could see them all looking on in opened mouthed horror at this screaming harpy in the back of a van who appeared to be riding a large thrashing, paper bag as it bleating frantically and she shouted 'keep still you little fucker unless you want me to shove your head right back up you arse again!'

nb the 4th time the sheep escaped and hi-tailed it over the road to join a neighbouring flock we gave up and sold it to the farmer where instead of living a long and happy life it no doubt ended up in someone's freezer (serves it right!).

Oh, and the goat?  Well she dropped dead a couple of weeks later - the INGRATITUDE! 

8 comments:

joeh said...

Hilarious, and I do wish "bloody " would take over in the U.S. It is much nicer than our "fucking " I am going to use it from now on.

Sarah said...

It IS very British isn't it Joe ;-) (although I think I did drop the F word in there somewhere ...). I may do a post on being British at some point.

SARN said...

You are just TOO much Sarah (for my splitting sides that is) . . . far too hilarious. I love your little (woolly) tales (tails?!) of life in the country. This one's gonna go down in history.

Hugs, Sarn xxx

Sarah said...

It certainly IS Sarn ;-) xx

Polly said...

Now that I've finally stopped laughing so much I can type properly! Thanks for such a good laugh Sarah. The people at the traffic lights will be dining out on that for years :-) x

Sarah said...

You are very welcome Polly :-) - I dread to think what they thought was going on ... x

Val said...

Will was not the only one who refused to use mirth control. This had me hee-hawing when you, the screaming harpy, rode the thrashing paper bag.

Di said...

Hilarious Sarah! Ended up with hiccups here from laughing so much. Too funny about the paper bag - that's the point at which I lost it altogether :)

Hugs

Di xx