A Kind Of P***s Envy

Linking up with with Maxabella, Life Love and Hiccups, Sonia Styling and Kelly Exeter for the Weekend Rewind.

Miss Mac came bounding in from school yesterday, flung her bag on the floor, kicked off her shoes and headed for the stairs.  On the way up she paused and shouted down:

'Hey Mum, got an A* in English today for my controlled penis assessment'.

??? ........ !!!!

Of course I MUST have misheard mustn't I?

'Ummm, your controlled what??'

'PENIS ASSESSMENT' she shouted back, 'An A* - I was the only one in the class who got and A* for it'.

Now I'd say I'm pretty broad minded but seriously??

A million and one thoughts rushed through my head:

 'An A* - I should be proud of her'.

'PENIS ASSESSMENT??'

'In English?  Was the teacher qualified to be teaching that kind of stuff??'

'PENIS ASSESSMENT??'

'Just what kind of school IS this?'

'PENIS ASSESSMENT??'

And, curiously ...  'Just how the hell DO you control one of those ....?'

She came back downstairs.

'So', I asked, 'just what exactly did that involve ...'

'Oh, just the usual, you know Mum (I most certainly don't!), showing understanding, analysis, that kind of thing.  Did you know he won the Carnegie medal?'

'Who did?'

'Penis'.

'Actually, he won it twice.  Once for Monsters of Men and once for A Monster Calls'.

Ahh, that would be the author P (Patrick) NESS then ....

To celebrate I took Miss Mac to have her hair cut.  Now for ME that's almost on a par with visiting the dentist - I LOATH having my hair cut:

As you can see - in dire need of a hair cut (or at least a fringe trim!)

Miss Mac knew exactly what she wanted and she had a picture to show the stylist -  it shouldn't have been too hard to achieve - very similar to her existing cut with a few layers and a long fringe cut in.

It didn't exactly go to plan ...

She is not happy although fortunately the stylist has left it longer than it should be so when she stops sulking about it I will take her somewhere else to get it done again.

Later that evening when Miss Mac had finally stopped telling me how much she hated her hair and we'd practised a few up do's for school today and then plaited her hair after her shower she came over for a cuddle.

Miss Mac is very tactile despite being 15 and dumped herself into my lap.

There was an odd popping sound.

'DID YOU JUST BREAK WIND ON MY LAP!!!'

Miss Mac professed innocence (although in that particular department she is often extremely guilty - gets it from her father ....).

A few more pops ....

'GET OFF MY LAP RIGHT NOW!!!'

'I didn't DO anything' she shouted climbing off.  As she did so I noticed ...

The very old leggings she was wearing as pyjama bottoms had given way all the way up the seam (the stitches breaking were obviously the popping sound I had hear) and she stomped off indignantly totally oblivious to the fact that half her bum was hanging out.

I LOVE having a daughter!

Shiny Stuff

You know, there's a lot to be said for being tidy.

I tend NOT to say much about it as I'm not.  Thank god I'm not a hoarder either is all I can say or life would be even more chaotic!

I'm also a real shiny stuff person - you know what I mean - a million and one things to do and .... Oooh:

SHINY STUFF!!!

This morning for instance, I've got a list!

Clearly SD actually WROTE the list for me but I have EVERY intention of looking at it at some point and ticking stuff off it, yes I DO!

I've got a day off today so as soon as Miss Mac went off to school I set about it with determination - first of all I made myself a coffee - then I sat in the garden for a while -  then my phone beeped (actually it vibrated as I always have it on silent which is why I ALWAYS miss your calls ...).

SHINY STUFF!!

it was a WhatsApp message from Matt The Op, remember him??  Despite the split lip and chipped tooth we do meet up for coffee every now and then when he's in town which he will be tomorrow so a pleasant half hour passed exchanging messages and arranging to meet up.

So, back to the list, but then ...

SHINY STUFF!!

My lovely friend Lou phoned (didn't hear it as phone on silent so had to phone her back) saying she too had a day off today and could she pop round for coffee.

I considered my list (that's a lie btw - It's under the dining table on the floor where the kitten knocked it off earlier and I left it ....).

Yay, of COURSE you can come round, Ive got nothing else on (which is true as none of the stuff on the list actually exists unless I read it does it?).

I'll be round at 11 she said, just got to clear a few jobs off my list ....

Which gave me an hour an a half to do MY stuff ...

But then ...

SHINY STUFF

That kitten I mentioned - the last one of a litter of four, three have gone to good homes which leaves me with a small, very demanding tortoiseshell bundle of fluff

with bloody ENORMOUS claws!

She's feeling lonely now that all her playmates have gone and follows me everywhere shouting at me for attention.  I spend all my time doing this weird hoppy, skipping thing around the house as she runs around like a bloody maniac getting under my feet.

Then I though I really OUGHT to get dressed before Lou arrived but I couldn't find my skirt.

This is where it can sometimes be a pain not being tidy.  I THOUGHT Id left it on the Ottoman at the end of my bed but (having thrown all the other clothes on to the floor) I discovered it wasn't there.  I checked the bed in the spare room which doubles as an ironing basket (except I don't iron ...), nothing ...  I looked in the bathroom and Miss Macs room and then came to the conclusion that I must have just accidentally taken it off when I was out somewhere and left it or something so I pulled on some shorts instead.

I am feeling RATHER virtuous having achieved so much so far this morning ...

One thing that SD seems to have missed off my list (and I can say this in all certainty not having even read it is REWRITE THAT BLOG POST!!).

Holly from English Girl Canadian Man very kindly passed the Liebster Award to me and I was chuffed to bits and sat down (almost) immediately to write my own Leibster post.

But, as Joe pointed out, it was a LAZY post and he told me to go back and do it properly (quite right Joe and I shall!) so, if you clicked on a non existent link then sorry and if you did see it and comment (thank you Joe and  Ann) then don't be surprised when a new post is up with the same name very soon because (as long as I don't have too much SHINY STUFF getting in the way then I am on it!).

Talking of SHINY STUFF, SD has his own too (see, it's NOT just me!) - look what we picked up this weekend ...

I forgot to take a photo so I've lifted this one from the previous owner.

And, well, I might have lost my skirt and list and been a little distracted this morning but SD clearly FORGOT that he already HAS a buggy because now he has TWO (and he says I'M disorganised!).

I REALLY Went And Done It This Time!!!

I promised you a vlog the other day and then didn't deliver ...

Sorry ...

To make up for it I'm going to post this clip taken on Monday morning in the garden with Gus - we were both totally trashed after a heavy weekend of beer, bands and sun (me, not Gus) and roast beef, kitten watching and pottering around in the sun (Gus, not me).

I did wonder if it was the best clip for a first vlog - I had planned on looking all glam and bursting with something or other (I dunno, vitality or something maybe but even Gus couldn't manage that ...) but  then, that's not really ME is it?

So I ran it past a friend first and he said:

'I think it truly captures the essence of the moment and your state of mind'

Which I have decided he meant as:

'Shit Sarah, you look SMOKIN' and totally ROCK this vlog thing!'

I expect I'm right don't you think ... ?

Linking up with Roan for Rubbish Tuesday.  As Roan says:

The idea is to post a photograph of anything old and/or deteriorating i.e. house, barn, outbuilding, something rusty, antiques, interesting junk, or something in pristine condition, but just plain old. 

I've kind of being focusing on the farm for the last few weeks.  That's partly because I spend a lot of time there and partly because there are always new things to take photographs of.

It's looking so beautiful at the moment that I've included a few 'other' photos along with the rubbish ones today, hope nobody minds.

First of all, some REAL rubbish - tidying up in the garden.  The hedge in the background is due for it's twice yearly trim, it's a huge job as it stretches right around the lawn.  The hedge is pretty old so hopefully it will fall under both the 'old' and soon to be 'pristine' category.

I love the way the light catches this wood pile.  The wood is from various trees that have either fallen down or have needed limbs taking off around the farm, some incredibly old.  We spent a lovely sunny day a couple of weeks ago riding all over the fields in a tractor gathering it up ready to be sawn into logs for the wood burner.

And these are 'just because' photos from the garden:

 

Deadly Nightshade growing in the hedge - SO pretty!

I Vlogged - Yes I DID!!!

Well, I WAS absolutely going to vlog for you this morning - in fact, I DID vlog!!

Taking a leaf out of Hollys blog I rounded up Gus for a walk taking my phone with me.

We don't have any waterfalls around here but I reckoned a puddle down the park would just about cut it  but when we got there there was narry a puddle to be seen!

I'd stopped off at Tesco Express on the way to pick up a Costa coffee because I was absolutely HANGING after the weekend - still am if I'm perfectly honest with you ...

It all started with much excitement in the Mac household as Miss Mac was off to see her beloved
One Direction at Wembley with a friend and SD and I were off to a muddy field just outside Bristol ...

The forecast had been for heavy showers so SD (being the borganised person he is) packed for every eventuality - waterproofs, boots, hats blah, blah, blah and I packed a spare pair of knickers and a four pack of rolos.

The weather was GLORIOUS!!!  Seriously hot and sunny with not a cloud in the sky.  Fortunately as it is June I was wearing shorts and as soon as I'd ripped off my walking boots and thick socks (which SD forced me into in the morning) and slipped off the straps of my vest top tucking the rest of it up into my bra in a very fetching bandeau stylee  I was set and flopped out on the rug on the grass.

UNFORTUNATELY SD had chosen to park right next to the off road course which meant that within 3 minutes I was covered in 10 tonnes of shit and partially deaf!  Luckily there was a huge ditch right in the middle for them to drive through so much of the time was spent pulling cars out and in between being sprayed I managed to burn my boobs to a crisp.

while they did this

It was an AMAZING weekend - lots of beer, lots of music, lots of sunshine and lots of this:

Urban Street Art - Don't you just LOVE his hair???

As well as all that there were the BMX riders:

Yes, sadly this IS my best photo

Who were completely mental and awesome!

And the Lowriders :

Who are really just mental

Along with roughly 10,000 other people we sat in the sun, shopped, looked at stuff, danced and drank beer and had the most fabulous weekend:

This was a converted cow shed decked out with the silk from a hot air balloon with various cars etc around the edges that the bands were playing in in the evening.

Very important - the food field

Anyhow, back to my vlog - it was a bit crap to be honest. I got as far as introducing Gus and showing you what I look like with no makeup and a ponytail (wearing sunglasses because my eyes hurt) then, as I bent to pick up the really shitty stick Gus brought me to throw for him I knocked over my coffee - got it all over my hands - licked it off my hands BEFORE remembering I'd been throwing the shitty stick for Gus and then my SD card was full.

Pretty much a vlog failure I'm afraid but I will give it another go at some point (possibly when I feel and look slightly more human!).

Hoping you all had the utterly fab kind of weekend that I did!

It's Just A Question Of Borganisation (or maybe that's the answer ...)

Today the Lounge is being hosted by Robo and the keyword is ENOUGH.

Ok, this gives me the perfect opportunity to vent or to bring something I feel passionately about to your attention.  To talk about something current, something relevant, something that really matters!

OR ...

I could just do a search on my blog for the word ENOUGH and bring you something a little light hearted, a little silly, something that (hopefully) will make you smile ...

Yeah, let's do that!

From the archives:

It's Just A Question Of Borganisation

Have I ever told you how borganized SD is?

Possibly not - I mean, I might have made the odd comment now and then.

I might have ALLUDED to it.

I may even have grumbled or even JOKED about it on occassion but now I'm calling it.

SD, you are REALLY bloody BORGANIZED and it's driving me INSANE - seriously - completely nuts, round the bend, off to lala land, BATFECKINGSHITCRAZY!!!

God, you have NO idea how much better I feel having got that out in the open ...

It's like a huge weight has been lifted and I feel free at last!

Now, some of you will know EXACTLY what I'm talking about whilst others (probably others who indulge in a little borganization) will have NO idea so I shall explain.

IT COULD SAVE YOUR LIFE (or your sanity)!

Borganized is my new adjective.

I don't see why I shouldn't invent a word, I mean, EVERYONE'S at it these days aren't they?  Even Farmers are getting in on the act, have you seen this?

Behold the FELFIE (image credit)

A Felfie is a rural twist on the selfie where a farmer takes a photo of himself with his livestock - it's probably best you don't google this yourself or, if you must, avoid searching on 'Welsh Felfie' (trust me, I KNOW what I'm talking about!).

Anyway, so, back to Borganised  (you may have noticed that sometimes I will spell borganized with a z and sometimes with an s - this is a classic definition of a person who is totally UNborganized).

You can recognise a Borganised person by the following (please note - not all Borganised people will display all borgan tendencies):

A Borganised person will write lists - sometimes they will write multiple lists and cross reference them.

A Borganised person owns several pens of different colours all of which work and have colour corresponding lids which are not chewed.

A Borganised person will run 12 books at Bingo (SD does not fall into this category and refuses to play Bingo) whilst simultaneously playing a hand of whist and knitting a pair of booties.

A Borganised person will ask you suspiciously what you have been looking for should you accidentally move something on their beside table by 3mm when you were trying to steal the chocolate that they got for their Birthday 2 frigging MONTHS ago and which is still wrapped and uneaten when everyone KNOWS that chocolate starts to deteriorate the moment you see it and from a health point of view should be eaten immediately so you were just trying to save them from certain DEATH!! innocently dusting or doing other important house cleaning stuff...

A Borganised person is appropriately dressed for every occasion and will make suggestions as to how you too could be appropriately dressed - To this end a Borganised person will at all times carry spare gloves, a variety of hats, steel toe capped boots AND orange overalls - a Borganised person may (at times) insist rather forcefully that you don said items!  If you refuse, a Borganised person will raise one eyebrow and smirk unbecomingly when you sink into 12" of cow shit whilst wearing flip flops (Also known as thongs in certain parts of the world whereas in England a thong is a whole other thing (or not  exactly a whole ANYTHING as SD often points out with some confusion when I refer to some items in my drawer as underwear ...).

A Borganised person is often (and infuriatingly) RIGHT!

So there you have it, the definition of a Bossy Organised Borganized person.

Funnily enough SD wasn't QUITE as impressed with my new word as I was, mostly I think because he thought people might think it meant Boring and Organised - let me tell you - Life is NEVER fricken BORING with a Borgan!!

There are however some downsides to spending extended periods of time with a Borganised person and in my experience these are just some of them:

A borganised person will write lists FOR you - sometimes multiple lists that they will expect you to cross reference.  They will not recognise the complete futility of doing this and no matter how many times you lose, eat, doodle on or turn them into hats, they WILL persist!

They will show some confusion when confronted with used tissues, old till receipts, sweet wrappers and loose change (loose change belongs in the loose change jar ... snort!!!) that litter the counter at the post office when you upend your bag in search of a pen.

They will look at you sideways as you struggle with your paltry 6 books at bingo, shout SNAP every time a card is laid no matter what game is being played and knit your never ending scarf because you can neither knit around corners or cast off.

They do not understand hormones or the need to feed them chocolate at regular intervals.  Equally, they have never needed to dust their iron before use and they probably own a variety of scrubbing brushes each with a different purpose (possibly they may offer to buy you your OWN scrubbing brush at some point).

They will never understand your preference for wading barefoot through cow shit rather than wearing rigger boots and a bloody orange onesie!

A borganised person can also pose long term risks to your mental health.

Seriously - I'm not kidding!

For instance - I can't remember ANYTHING any more - the reason being those bloody lists!!

If I remember I'll write SD a memo pointing that out.

List completely negate the need to remember ANYTHING - if it's not on the list then it doesn't exist - if I lose the list then I don't have to do anything ...  I ALWAYS lose the list and then I'm buggered.

SD will be completely responsible for my descent into madness and it will serve him right!

I'm already more than half way there (and, to be fair, possibly was BEFORE SD was on the scene) so, to avoid any further confusion (mine and yours) I have decided that in future all communication shall be though the medium of interpretive dance.

borrowed from my lovely friend Lou ;-)

Rubbish Tuesday

Whenever I look at the other entries in Roan's Rubbish Tuesday posts I'm filled with envy at the photo opportunities some of the others have.

Vast wastelands seemingly filled with tumble down barns and huge bits of rusted metal from bygone days, things you simple don't find in England.

Of course we DO have tumble down barns and rusty metal but it's just not in the same setting and everything is on a much smaller scale.

It lacks some of the impact and WOW factor.

I can't compete with the beauty of some of these finds or the skill of the photographers behind the photos so I'm staying small again this week.

I'm lucky enough to spend a lot of time at the farm and there are things to see and photograph everywhere you look.

Tucked away behind the barn lies an old enamel bath.  As with almost everything on a farm this isn't just junk left to rot, it has a secondary purpose as a water butt for the vegetable garden:

It's also alive with tadpoles, water fleas, pondskaters and newts.  A whole ecosystem is captured in it's depths:

It is just a rusty bit of junk but it has it's own beauty it's colours overlaid with blossom falling from the plum tree above it which has settled and become a part of the patina.

I was hoping to bring you something more from the Vintage Nostalgia show I went to at the weekend, it was full of amazing finds most which I seem to have failed to capture very well.

I did get this photo though which I love and I think epitomises the feel and the grace of the whole day: