Carpe Diem

Carpe Diem is an aphorism which has come to mean, to most of us:

Seize The Day.

In fact, it's literal meaning is:

To pick, pluck, cull, crop or gather.

I guess in many ways they both mean pretty much the same thing.

Mostly when we talk about seizing the day we mean it's time to move on, to let go, to start afresh in some way.

It's usually said with much bravado and determination because we have reached a turning point or because something or someone has left us with no apparent alternative.

We have to do SOMETHING!

I had the most horrific nightmare last night.

Nightmares are nothing new to me, I go through phases of having them and to be honest, I'm just grateful most of the time that I'm actually getting some sleep.

Most of my nightmares are the usual jumble of thoughts and bizarre randomness. 

I have a recurring one where I'm cold and naked and no one can see me.  In fact, they walk straight through me.  (yep, doesn't take much to analyse that one ;).

They tend to be shadowy, jump around a lot and, although not nice, I'm used to them.  I know what they are about and I don't dwell on them too much.

Last night was different.

Last night was bloody terrifying!!

I woke up with tears pouring down my face, my heart pounding, freezing cold yet bathed in sweat.

I didn't know where I was and most of all, I didn't know if it was REAL!

In my nightmare I kept jumping from a Facebook page with comment after comment saying RIP to the scene of the crash in which that person had died.

It didn't happen.  They aren't dead and I know that my nightmare just represents my own thoughts, feelings and fears but god, it seemed so real!

Just talking about it still leaves me shaken.

It's 2:30am so technically it was the night before last but I don't want to sleep in case it happens again.

In part it's answered my previous question:

 'Is It Time?'

Whilst at the same time it throws up questions of it's own.

There is only one way that I honestly believe I will have the answers and, there is only one way of truly doing that.

Face to face with absolute honesty.

God I'm tired and I'm just laying down my thoughts as they happen.

I've no idea if I'm making sense.

Will I get what I need?

I don't know because it's my need and I don't know if that counts for enough.