Well, here in the UK Mothers Day was back in march and you know, I actually have NO recollection of it at all!
I'm sure it was good and I'm sure I was spoilt but it's a total blank ....
So, (and I hope no one minds) I thought I'd share a perfect day with you from last year - the kind of day that's filled with all the things and people that I love as well as a few of those 'damned things' that always seem to happen to me!
'Who's got the longest tongue?' - Miss Mac and I sat side by side tongues hanging down our chins looking at SD expectantly.
Honestly, from the look on his face you'd have thought there was something really odd about the question and that Miss Mac and I were slightly deficient in the intelligence area!
To be fair it was closely followed by a comparison of length of toe hair - I have none - Miss Mac a worrying amount but, once we'd pinned him down and removed his shoes and socks, SD was clearly the winner!
It's a bit like when I shouted to him that I thought she'd broken my nose and his immediate assumption was that she'd smacked me one.
What kind of people does he think we are ....??
So yes, last week Miss Mac did INDEED break my nose by headbutting me so hard that I saw stars and nearly passed out but it was (she assures me) a complete accident - or, as she maintains, entirely my own fault for trying to enter the awning at the same moment she was coming out without opening the zip properly so we both had to stoop and didn't see each other.
OMG - have you ever broken your nose? Christ it hurts like buggery!! Apparently I'm fortunate in that mine is only fractured in two places rather than completely broken but its still bloody painful and every time someone comes close to me I start flapping my hands around shouting 'stay away from ma face bitch!!'
The following day we cycled to Lands End - did I mention that we were on holiday?
Yep, after cancelling the previous week due to the broken van, the incident with the trailer and the forklift and the exploding wheelbarrow wheel we packed up Maudie the Monza and headed for deepest, darkest Cornwall our aim being to have the lowest tech holiday possible. No club house, no pool, no amusements, no car ....
No fecking CAR people ....!!
Just a relaxing time away from all the fripperies of modern day life with plenty of fresh air and exercise.
We parked up, unhitched Maudie and that was it, no more car until the trip home. Everywhere was to be either by bike or on foot, and we did it, and it was amazing.
We cycled through the stunning countryside, the sun on our backs, bloody heavy backpacks on our backs too carrying food, water, towels, beach mats, books .... Everything in fact that you could possibly need, except for suncream, which I'd forgotten and which Miss Mac, with her fair skin required.
We stopped at tiny picturesque village with a tiny shop to eat our lunch and I went in to buy some suncream and pick up a large bar of chocolate. SD questioned this decision, I mean REALLY SD? You honestly think debating the need for chocolate with two females is a wise move? Miss Macs hormones REQUIRE chocolate I informed him. But we HAVE chocolate he insisted. Seriously, only a man could possibly think that Penguins constitute chocolate, am I right or am I right?
Fed, watered and stocked up with suncream we continued on our way happily speeding along the country lanes stopping every now and then to pick juicy blackberries or admire the views and shouting to each other to pull over if we heard a car coming until, as I rounded a corner, I screeched to a halt and shouted, 'POTATO!!!'
SD, who was following me quite closely piled into the back of me and said (rather crossly I thought!) - we are not playing eye spy now Sarah, can you please stop fucking around.
I should explain that on the way down Miss Mac and I had endlessly amused ourselves and seriously started to piss SD off by playing eye spy to which my clue every time was 'something begining with P' (which is the first letter of SD's name in real life) - Miss Mac was AMAZING and got the answer first time EVERY time except when I (cunningly) changed the word to potato on a couple of occasions, just to spice things up you understand .... Umm, and no, we didn't have any potatoes with us but thats what made it so cunning right!!
Anyways, SD wasn't wasn't as impressed as he ought to have been either by my cunning or Miss Macs amazing ability to accurately guess the answer and he wasn't really up for a re-run.
But, as I was able to sanctamoniouly point out, I wasn't messing, the truck that had thundered past us earlier laden with potatoes had obviously taken the corner too fast and the road was littered with potatoes. I was all for hopping off my bike and picking up a few (kind of like vegetarian roadkill) and cooking them over an open campfire with a hedgehog or two which I thought showed great commitment to our back to basics holiday but SD pointed out that potatoes are heavy and point blank refused to let me fill up his backpack with them - SOOO bloody selfish don't you think?
After wending our way through the potato minefield we eventually rocked up at Lands End. I rode my bike with a flourish over that finishing line to deafening silence. I turned around, went back up the road and came back down AGAIN!
Ok, so maybe I had only come from Porth Curnow and not John O'Groates but I still cycled across that bloody finishing line which deserved SOME kind of recognition don't you think?
Incidentally, you can't get a decent cup of coffee at Lands End for love nor money, its all shitty machine stuff where you take a cup, pay your money and push the button yourself. SD and I decided that if it wasnt, then it should be free refills and forced down two cups each (I'm still not convinced it was free refills though ...).
Anyway, swiftly walking through the touristy, commercialized part you get to the breathtakingly beautiful stretch of cliffs that are Lands End.
That's pretty much all I can say. It was worth every drop of sweat, every aching muscle, every bump that was agony for my poor nose and every dodged potatoe along the way, it was BEAUTIFUL! At this point I would include some photos but I managed to accidently delete them from my phone and I haven't yet got around to downloading the camera.
We stripped off to do a little sunbathing in the brilliant sunshine and I got out the suncream for Miss Mac.
Plaster it on I told her, I don't want you getting burnt.
The suncream had gone a little liquid in the heat and she ended up with a huge handful. Just slap it on I said, the more the better.
Why is it blue she enquired?
I checked the bottle.
It's kids stuff I informed her, its ok, its so you can see where you've put it, it disappears as you put it on.
That girl SMOTHERED herself in it, legs, arms, body, face ....
I lay down, closed my eyes and listened to the sounds of the sea and the gulls overhead.
Perfect peace ...
Mum, its not disappearing, I heard her say.
I opened my eyes, looked at her and sat up in shock before starting to laugh slightly hysterically.
Miss Mac was bright blue from head to foot.
I was sitting next to a bloody SMURF!!!
I shall gloss over the next few minutes which contained rather a lot of bad language on Miss Macs part as she realised that no amount of rubbing or even scrubbing with a towel was going to remove the luminous blue glow from her skin (it actually took two days and several showers before it was completely gone).
SD appeared rather bemused as he so often does as he look from my blue daughter to my swollen nose and black eye but secretly I think he might have been rather proud to be seen with the pair of us ....
More on the Cornwall adventure (yes, there's more!) on the blog soon.
Laters Fudgers ... ;-)