Thursday, 22 January 2015

Because Sh*t Happens

Today The Lounge is being hosted by Musings of the Misguided and this week it's all about school.

I have a few school related post lurking in the archives so I had a bit of a trawl through them and came across this.

It pretty much sums up my relationship with my children's schools and, as Miss Mac is now in year 11 and school days will soon be at an end in this house, it fills me with a certain amount of wistful nostalgia ...


'I brought this in for Miss Mac' I said sliding the bag across the reception desk.

The school receptionist looked at me, I looked at her and then, for a few moments, we both silently contemplated the bag of gently steaming dog shit on the desk in front of us.

'Tough morning?' she enquired sympathetically?

'Oh like you WOULDN'T believe' I burst out so incredibly grateful for a listening ear.

'First of all there was the accident with the potato farl which was entirely Big D's fault for stealing half my breakfast but then, who knew drop kicking a potato farl could inflict that kind of injury? I mean I know it was frozen and all that but SO much blood'.

'Then, on the way here, Gus (my Border Collie NOT one of my children!)  decided to take a crap in the open driveway of a house where the family had  (up until that point) appeared to be enjoying a late breakfast and I had to stand there grinning inanely like the Cheshire bloody cat waving poo bags to indicate my willingness to clean up after my disgusting animal while he grunted and groaned tottering about leaving a line of little turds in his wake' .

'And of course, I didn't slept well last night because I couldn't get the vision of that evil goat out of my head and then when I did doze off ....'

I trailed off realising I'd mistaken weary resignation for sympathy.

'Well umm, I'll just take this then shall I and ummm .... leave?' I said and, with enormous dignity I picked up my warm bag of shit and made my way to the door.

'Oh Mrs Mac' she called sweetly, 'aren't you forgetting something?'

Ah ...

I walked back to the desk and replaced the bag of dog shit with the bag I was still clutching in my other hand containing a clean shirt and underwear for Miss Mac (chocolate milkshake related incident at break time).

I like to think I generally have a fairly GOOD relationship with my children's school (quickly skipping over both the Pimms episode which was entirely NOT my fault, I mean, who offers vodka laced Pimms at the BEGINNING of a long meeting and then expresses surprise when you get up and wander off half way through and try to vault over the wall in the garden and I SO nearly made it ...  or time I declared I was dying in a field of daffodils!) and it's beyond me why my children feel the need to constantly stand out from the crowd!

School assemblies, nativities and open evenings seem to be the times when they shine the most.

More than 20 years later the wailing of Big D can still echos in the corridors completely drowning out Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer as he bawled, 'Don't wanna be a reindeer in tights - wanna wear trousers like a BIG boy!!!'

I've always suspected my children may have hidden musical ability so, when Miss Mac expressed an interest in leaning the guitar one was purchased and lessons were signed up for.

A few weeks later she proudly announced that she and a friend would be taking part in a sharing assembly.

'Umm, ok, but haven't you only had a couple of lessons?' I asked.

'We've been practising LOADS' she smiled.

Clearly she was a child prodigy (something I had long suspected!).

I took my place in the very centre of the front row.

Plink, plink, plink, plink ....

I looked around proudly as they warmed up.

Plink, plink, plink plink, plunk!

Plink, plink, plink plink, plunk!

Plink, plink, plink plink, plunk!

This went on for some time....

I looked around encouragingly at the other parents.

plink, plink, plunk, plink.

plink, plink, plunk, plink.

I bit the inside of my cheek and dug my nails into my leg.

My eyes started to water.

 I gulped really hard and then ....

I snorted like a pig!!!

plink, plink, plinkety, plunk ...

Would this NEVER end???

Three of the LONGEST hours later (ok, it was probably only about 4 minutes in reality but it FELT like three hours!) they paused and the teacher, god bless her soul, rushed over to the girls and congratulated them totally straight faced on a wonderful performance whilst fortunately the over enthusiastic clapping of the crowd drowned out this proud mothers howls of hysterical mirth.

Unfortunately all this praise went slightly to the head of the other little girl who eagerly announced.

'We know another song!'


Tegan Churchill said...

Oh man, the performances on assembly are definitely one thing that I am not looking forward to with Mr 5 starting school. Or assembly at all. We had a principal who could talk for hours when I was at school. Sitting on the cold cement in winter was always such fun!

stephen Hayes said...

Our son thought he could master the guitar without lessons or practicing. Too many air-guitarists make it look easy. Needless to say, after much expense on my part my son can't play a single song.

Lydia C. Lee said...

Love the guitar story...and the office ladies are scary, everywhere~!

Unknown said...

I remember being out with my ex and our dog pooped and a policeman came round the corner. He asked my ex if he planned on picking it up ( we had no poo bags) so my ex just sort of smirked and said 'of course', before picking it up in his hand and throwing it in the bin!

Mike@Bit About Britain said...

I really do love your posts. You invariably make me laugh. Keep 'em coming!!

Unknown said...

Oh Lol! You are too funny. At my kid's Christmas concert there was a recorder performance by another class. It was so painfully shite and I got the giggles. Then I remembered a scene from a certain movie and I really got going. It was hard to stop!