I actually started to write a post about de-cluttering but I got bored so I thought I'd take a look and see what I'd been bogging about this time last year.
To be honest, not much has changed so I thought I'd give this post another airing while I debate exactly HOW many pairs of jeans I really need (I'm thinking 16 IS a reasonable amount ...).
Hello, it's me …
Remember me … ??
Well, you are forgiven. It's been a while and I barely remember myself so here's a quick reminder (I was going to give it fancy Latin label but didn't want to be accused of being intellectual snob and also can't remember fancy Latin label … )
So, without any further ado:
'My name is Sarah and I am ( to be honest) a bit crap at most things ….'
I feel I should start with a confession (but I've already admitted to being a bit crap) ...
Or some resolutions for the new year …
Or maybe I'll just carry on regardless and hope you didn't notice I'd been gone (did you notice …??).
Fuckit I'll just combine the whole lot in the manner of someone creating a new recipe.
Who knows, maybe Fudge will become the new bread or sponge cake or Boeuf Bourguignon or, (as is more likely) a complicated knitting pattern.
Anyway, while I ponder that thought here are a few things I've been considering over the past weeks.
I will/will not/possibly should (but probably won't):
- Take off make-up after a night out so that do not wake up with scary black caverns in place of eyes in pale face in manner of Edvard Munch scream painting but with additional mad Brian May hair and may even start plaiting hair before bed to avoid mad Brian May look the morning after (although slightly concerned that this might just be a short hop to wearing a hair net and bed-socks ….).
- Will always (in the manner of Garfield) be sincere whether I mean it or not.
- Will ascertain how drunk SD really is on Christmas Eve an hour after leaving him unattended and semi sober in the pub BEFORE replying to his drunken friends who say – 'I hear you are cooking chicken – can I come to dinner' in case he really HAS invited them!
- Will not send joky text in reply to SD's drunken friends who ask – 'I hear you are cooking chicken for SD and Jon – can I come round too?' but will ignore them in dignified manner rather than say – 'of COURSE, the more the merrier!'
- Will not panic when get text saying – 'Cool – me, Mark, Ray, Eddy, Neil, Rick, Sam and Luke are on the way' and start frantically counting the legs on the chicken muttering 'why the fuck do they only have two???' or send back text saying 'bring your own chairs'.
- Will not run out of house (still wearing too short for casual day wear but possibly ok for Christmas Eve in the pub dress ) and bang on neighbour round the corners door to borrow tin foil (and enquire about possible spare chicken legs) and return bearing tin foil, large roll of carpet, home-made chutney and a huge bunch of keys as clearly, other than home made chutney, cannot serve any of these to possible impending guests.
- Will not at semi formal dinner party (obviously NOT mine ...) refer to or even think of fellow guest as an over privileged wanker.
- Wear a dress that inexplicably rides DOWN revealing tits in manner of porn star.
- Lean over table in porn star dress to reach desert wine (or spit disgusting dessert wine back into glass).
- Wonder why very plain and disapproving looking wife of over privileged wanker appears to be wearing a monks robe in fetching plum colour presumably obtained from Joe Brown catalogue where they sell such things along with jacquard waistcoats and things that chop hard boiled eggs into neat slices but remember that have just flashed tits at her husband so no doubt she has reason to look disapproving regardless of what she's wearing.
- Wear any dress that requires cycling shorts to be worn underneath and/or is see through ( but perhaps buy flesh coloured slip along with hairnet and bed socks with M&S Christmas voucher rather than gourmet chocolates and wine).
- Remember to top up tin of Roses chocolate from secret box hidden in cupboard under the stairs so that no one knows I have eaten all the strawberry and orange creams (as well as the caramels …).
- Teach daughter responsible drinking habits before next News Years Eve party.
- Debate with self possibility that teaching daughter responsible drinking habits before next News Years Eve party is in fact irresponsible parenting as should obviously be condemning demon drink to impressionable 14 (although almost 15) year old.
- Do not consider saying daughter is nearly 15 makes irresponsibly parenting somehow less irresponsible.
- Dress appropriately at all times but in particular when attending school events and NOT wear t-shirt with slogan 'Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me?' to academic tutoring thingy in lecture theatre where, while waiting to see scary Scottish form tutor, am forced to sit in front row facing sea of teachers sitting round desks discussing children's progress with appropriately dressed parents (or alternatively take cardigan which buttons up to neck to hide t-shirt).
- Buy cardigan.
- Give unopened tin of Quality Street to deserving cause as Jan 6th is probably a reasonable time to stop eating chocolate for breakfast.
- Aide Memoire (I knew it would come to me!!!).
- Spend more time on personal grooming i.e. have eyebrows waxed on regular basis rather than just growing fringe to cover forehead and allowing eyebrows to run hither and thither across face like a lamb gambolling through a daisy strewn field in the Spring (although do not have actual daisies growing on forehead to my knowledge).
- Remember that if I have to ask myself (or others) if it's a long top or a short dress then it's probably a long top!
- Spend more time cleaning carpets and generally being a better person.