It's A Coffee Morning Jim (But Not As You'd Know It ...)

So, Friday was the Macmillan Coffee Morning day.

It's a serious business raising money and awareness for those fabulous nurses but well, this WAS organised by our park group so it was ALWAYS going to have an element of comedy about it wasn't it?

I arrived a few minutes early to find several of our member already there having set out the tables and begun loading them with homemade cakes.

'Where the feck have YOU been' mumbled Bob as I put my humble offering of a dozen cup cakes on the table.

'It's like the bloody Sahara round here - put the fecking kettle on!

I glared at him and put the fecking kettle on.

'Buy a tombola ticket' demanded Marg - 'I didn't spend all morning putting tickets on them just to have them sitting there you know!'

I wandered over to the tombola.

'Well', I began, 'I don't really EAT tinned meatballs OR those jelly fruits (which, when I looked closer appeared to have gone out of date in May 2012) and I'm not really in the market for a scarf either ...'

'It's NOT a fecking scarf' snapped Marg.  'It's a SNOOD!!! - Now buy a fecking ticket!!!'

I bought a fecking ticket and collected my puce coloured scarf/snood wondering if I could sneak it into the next Bingo raffle without anyone noticing.

Suddenly there was a pounding on the door making poor Eve,  who I hadn't noticed in the corner, slop tea all over Sam, her little Jack Russell who had been sitting quietly on her lap.

'HA' shouted Sue erupting into the room - 'You all thought it was a demented Woodpecker didn't you?  But it was ME!!!'

She proceeded to pull a pack of sausages, a block of cheese, a jar of pickled eggs and box of grapes out of her tartan shopping trolley reminding me of that time that Rowland rang me up to enquire if a boil in the bag cod was a suitable thing to take to a bbq.

She examined the cheese closely. 'Just cut off the bits with teeth marks' she told me and it'll be fine.

'Can I entrust you with this' she whispered gripping my arm and pushing her face SO much closer to mind than I would have liked.

Into my hand she pressed a phone and a little silver tin with a marijuana plant embossed on the front - I quickly put it in my pocket.

'I shall be seven minutes' she said - 'I'm going to talk to the crows and you know what that means!'  She winked at me and left (for the record - I have NO idea what that means ...).

'Are you looking at my BUM' she shouted at our noble secretary as she left the room.

'No, no, no, no, NO' he replied hastily looking at his wife, 'I was just ....'

'Because if you WERE I'll have you know that these are NOT my BEST pants'  then she left banging the door behind her.

We all looked at our noble secretary.

'What?  WHAT??' said the poor man.

'Near drove me mad t'other day she did' grumbled Marg. 'At the flag raising - where were YOU by the way' - she looked at me accusingly.

'I was sick' I bleated.

'Said you'd be there' she said giving me a stern look.

'Sorry' I whispered trying to look sorrowful ...

Tried to pull me out of my wheelchair up the bleedin' steps to the flag pole and there's me barely able to walk - fecker wouldn't take no for an answer - had to tell her to feck off and leave me alone in the end!'

'Marg!!' I gasped in horror - 'that's no way for a lady of 85 to talk!'

Eighty five she screeched - Eighty Bleeding Five!!!!  I'm not eighty bleeding five, I'm eight fecking FOUR!!!'

Just then Ronnie burst in like a breath of fresh air.

'Cake' she sang - 'I bring cake!'

'We've GOT fecking cake' snapped Marg - 'Buy a tombola ticket and why have you got those silly purple streaks in your hair - you're FAR too old for such nonsense '. (this from an 84 year old who swears like a navvy!).

'Well, I don't really eat ...'

'Just buy a bloody ticket' I muttered out of the side of my mouth.

She bought a ticket and looked in horror at the meatballs in tomato sauce she had won before hiding them under the table and sitting down with a cup of tea.

'I SAW YOU THE OTHER DAY' Shouted Sue as she came back in precisely 7 minutes later.

'On that exercise bike in the park - going like the clappers you were and at your age too!

By now Ronnie was staring to look slightly affronted at the constant reference to her age.

''I was under the bush with Williams and Smy' said Sue  and with no further explanation she picked up a piece of cheese, stared at it for a moment and then smoothed out an errant tooth mark that I had missed with her thumb before placing it back amongst the grapes.

As she started to rearrange everything on the table I heard a sharp intake of breath from Marg.  Sue peered at her over her glasses.

'I'm annoying you again aren't I?'  shes said.

'Yes!' snapped Marg - 'Just leave it the feck alone!'

'I CAN'T' said Sue.

'You CAN'

'CAN'T' - 'CAN' - CAN'T' - 'CAN!!!'

'I CAN'T - my doctor said so and he's had me tested but I suppose you think YOU know better what with you being a MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL and all!!!!'

I distracted Marg with a fondant fancy while Mary tempted Sue away by walking slowly in front of her shaking the tombola tickets to the far corner where there was still some supermarket own brand rice pudding to be won.

'Bugger' muttered Eve as William, our noble secretaries Grandson bashed her ankles yet again with  his tricycle as he rode by scattering crumbs of stolen sponge cake behind him.

'And another thing' said Sue crossly to our noble secretary - ' I don't even WANT a chair!!!'

No, no,no,no,no, YES stammered the poor man - 'I KNOW you don't want a chair'.

'You should make your signs clearer' Sue went on reprovingly - 'I thought I was making a £5 donation to the cause and you try to give me a bloody chair!

'I DON'T WANT IT I TELL YOU!'


'No, no,no,no,no,NO! - I know ... - I'll come and take it away ...'

'I think I'd better take William home' said Mary - Eve looked very relieved.

'Come and give your Aunty Sue a big kiss' leered Sue heading in his direction.

'Yes, do it' exclaimed Ronnie in delight - 'Just sweep that beard to one side and pucker up' she chortled.

William looked dubious - Mary looked horrified.

'Just wave to Aunty Sue' she shouted gaily dragging William towards the door.

'Less than 70 quid' said Marg with some satisfaction having upended the donations box onto the table in front of her.

'Of course when I did the coffee morning we never raised less than £150!'

She gave poor Mary who was still hovering in the doorway and who had spent the last few days slaving over a hot stove baking cakes a smug look.

'Oh, just FECK OFF' muttered Mary under her breath.

 Shortly after that we packed up and trundled back to our respective homes until the next time a community event should bring us all together to spread love, joy and harmony.