Sunday, 11 December 2011


At 4:09am this morning I was 'In a relationship'

Obviously, being me, I was completely oblivious to this fact!!!

(You may have noticed that I am really fucking ever so slightly dense when it comes to matters of the heart)

But surely there would have been some kind of sign if I was??

Toilet seat up?  Check.

Remote hidden down the side of the sofa?  Check.

Boxer shorts on the floor next to the washing basket but not quite in it?  Check

Empty milk carton in the fridge?  Check.

Ok, well that almost had ME convinced until (thank god) I remembered I had a 13 year old, man in the making in the shape of Master Mac in the house!

So it was starting to look like I'd been FB fraped, but at 4am the prime culprits (my children) had been fast asleep in bed.

Curious ...

Until I noticed that my email inbox was overflowing with new messages and then, slowly all became clear!

That bloody dating link on FB -  Badoo had yet again reactivated my account (which I didn't intentionally open in the first place).

Not only that, they had somehow updated my relationship status AND posted several of my FB profile pics onto their website!!

FFS, do they not REMEMBER the tirade this let loose upon them last time they did that to me?

Have they forgotten my promise to remove their gentiles with a blunt instrument and pelt them to death with their bruised and bloodied balls if they took liberties with me ever again?

It's not like I have a problem with dating websites per se.  I did after all sign up to one in the past but I DID NOT sign up to Badoo!!

I did however pop on for a bit to have a nose and check out my messages though (just so I could confront those Badoo people with a few facts you understand ......  ;)

In the space of the last 12 hours or so it seems that I have gone from a big, red thumbs down (popularity VERY low - nobody loves  you) to a big green thumbs up (popularity very high - you are a goddess amongst women).

94 men have viewed my profile.

87 want to meet me.

32 have added me as a favourite.

And I have  61 unread messages.

Phew, must have been a slow night!!

But then I started thinking ...

Hang on a minute - 94 have viewed my profile and yet only 87 wanted to meet me?

Does that mean 7 men looked at me and found me wanting???

How fucking DARE they!

And why did only 32 add me as a favourite?  Do they not know I am a goddess!!!

I am VERY tempted to message them and ask them what exactly IS their problem!

Meanwhile I'm hiding out at home terrified to go to the Supermarket in case I bump in to any of them!

Badoo - hold on to your balls because I'm coming to get you!

Saturday, 10 December 2011

Is It Possible The Children Have Secretly Drugged Me?

Because I can't think of any other reason why I'm feeling quite so cheerful today!

It's been a pretty shite week what the burns, electric shock and the puking and then earlier when I went to step over the damned dog (who ALWAYS lies in doorways) he got up when I had one leg cocked (usually his prerogative!) and we did this kind of canine rodeo for a few seconds while I tried to regain my balance and he tried to work out why the fuck I was riding him.

It ended badly of course.

I crashed into the merchants chest (that's a 15 drawer chest of drawers btw ;) right on the bloody corner.  I am going to have such a HUGE bruise on my thigh tomorrow and  Gus slunk away like only a Border Collie can sending me 'don't you be a ridin' me again lady' looks over his shoulder and took refuge under the coffee table.

Anyhow, that's by the by.  I don't care WHAT the children snuck into my coffee, I LIKE IT (give me more!)!

So, before the burning, puking, electrocuting stuff happened I had a blog post in the making based on .....  feel there should be a drum roll here .....


Nothing earth shattering.  Nothing grand.  Nothing that required dressing up for.

I went to see a local band that my friends husband plays bass in.

Ahh, but that's where it all becomes a little surreal.

If you haven't experienced a proper English country pub then I insist you pack up your bags and come on over here.

You can even stay with me if you don't mind my shitty kitchen, my crappy bathroom and the bastard cat.

I've got village dress code down pretty well I like to think and so off I went in my jeans, t-shirt, Uggs and suede jacket.

BUT,very  importantly, I'd forgotten that this was Bishop Lydeard and Bishops Lydeard is only a stones throw from Bridgwater (and no, I haven't missed out an e in that name, that's how they spell it which gives you just a little insight).

Bridgwater used to be best known for the British Cellophane factory.  Actually, it was best known for the SMELL of the British cellophane factory and all the mind changing chemicals which surely must have been wafted from the great chimneys to produce Bridgwaatter folk.

No really.  They are frankly, fucking odd!

Anyway,  I soon realised I'd got the dress code completely wrong.

I should have been wearing skin tight black satin trousers, a pair of 6" stilettos  and an orange asymmetrical off one shoulder ruffled polyester blouse with tits down to my belt buckle and hair the shape and consistency of a walnut whip (complete with walnut).


 (incidentally, never say that whilst bending over in the hearing of a someone from Bridgwater.  They are very literal, monosyllabic folk)

Typical English pubs are split into two bars.

The lounge bar for the 'posh' people and the public bar for the great unwashed.

Sometimes the bars are completely separate and sometimes (as in this case) there is just a dividing wall with one bar running through both (handy if you feel like throwing dry roasted peanuts at the 'posh' folk).

They also tend to be very small with low ceilings and lots of horse brasses.

We were soon joined but a local rugby team inexplicably dressed in CSI costume and still sporting their mowvember facial hair.

They were also extremely drunk (in a pretty good although unintelligible way) and boogied along enthusiastically to the band.

A couple of Hooray Henry's wandered in by mistake.

God, haven't seen one of THOSE since the 80's!!

To say they were shit scared would be an understatement but the CSI rugger boys soon had their exit cut off and so they stood there sweating their nuts off in their flat caps, tweed jackets and corduroy high waisted trousers sipping on lager shandies with Baileys chasers in the corner of the bar where Art (a VERY local local) was fast asleep bolt upright on a bar stool despite the fact that the whole place was rocking because, did I mention ...


They played Punk, 70's Rock, 90's Rock, Indie Rock - We had - Green Day, Iggy Pop, Jefferson Starship, White Stripe, The Stranglers, Razorlight, Madness, Eminem, Martha and the Muffins, Ian Dury, Black Sabbath, Led Zepplin ....

Then, right in the middle of it all in walked one of my favourite, favourite people that I used to work with and hadn't seen for a couple of years -  Mr Andy L (Maggiemoui - he sends BIG love:).

But that's not all ....

Have you ever wondered what happened to your first real boyfriend?

Can't say I have really.

C L-B was a bit of a knob tbh.

But  he was VERY good looking (I was only 16 and such things mattered).

He also competed in triathlons and was incredible fit.

He made the mistake once of suggesting we cycle to his house in the next town (9  fecking MILES away!!)  Something he did twice a day for work and to keep fit.

Apparently this used to take him approximately 25 minutes.

An hour later we were just under half way there when (thank fuck) I saw the very welcoming sight of Sheppys  the local cider farm (I seriously thought I was going to DIE).

Yes we did eventually make it all the way but I insisted he drove me home again!

Anyway.  Andy L's friend  couldn't take his eyes off me.  Pretty flattering really, he was a good looking bloke.

Yep, you've guessed it.  It was C L-B!

I'd never have recognised him.  Last time I saw him he was 19 or 20, he was now mid 40's (I would say late 40's but that makes ME feel old;).

I guess I can't have changed as much as him though as he recognised me instantly.

It took a while for it to sink in bearing in mind the volume of the band and everything and when the penny dropped and I yelled 'OMFG -  C L-B, I still have one of your socks with your name tape sewed in it' at the top of my voice it was of course at the precise moment the band came to the end of their set and a deathly hush had settled over the entire pub.

So, where has he ended up?

Effing loaded of course!

He's a senior director for a multi-national company and his 'expertise lies in the Specialist Solutions requirements for Global distribution businesses' apparently (of COURSE I checked him out on Linkedin ;) - big house in exclusive little village - travels the world on business.

He's still a knob though ....

Having insisted that he had many, many contacts who would be only to happy to offer me work and utilise my unique skills set I handed over my phone number (doh, Sarah!)

A few very effusive texts the next day along the lines of OMG  - great to see you - lets do coffee yada, yada, yada ...

My suggestion that we should meet in town for said coffee was met by - 'perhaps it would be better to meet out of town as tongues might wag'

Surely two old friends meeting for coffee and a chat about business wouldn't be all THAT gossip worth??? ...

HMMMM  .....

D'you know, I think it may well have brought back fond memories for him when, for the second time, many, many years after the first, I told him to 'go f*ck himself' :)