The Final Fudge

This is the title of the post I wrote at about 1am this morning.

Yes, I have been wondering whether to close down People Don't Eat Enough Fudge.

Now, before you think 'here we go, an emo attention seeking post', I hope that's not what it is at all.

I'm not looking for comments asking me not to shut it down, I'm not looking for an ego boost.

I'm just wondering if it's time ...

Let me tell you why.

I took this photo this morning just before I wrote the title of this post:

The camera on my phone was on a go slow hence the blurred effect.

For some reason I really like this photo.  I can see that without the blurring it could have possibly been a really good photo of me .

I like it so much I've made it my profile pic on FB.

To me it looks like someone has run a thumb across my face and smudged my features a little.

That's pretty much how I've been feeling for quite some time.

My life doesn't have defined lines any more.  There are few certainties, so few tangibles that I can grasp and hold on to.

An observant person may have noticed that I have re-released all the posts I'd put into draft.  They include a couple of posts that were never published originally.

Why did I put most of Fudge into draft a while ago?

I guess I was feeling vulnerable.  So much of me goes into my posts and some of it is a little raw.  I was feeling .... I don't know ... exposed maybe. An exposure of my own making I know and if I said I regretted none of it then that wouldn't be entirely true.  It would be true to say that I'm not ashamed of any of it though which is why it's back for all to read.

I decided that if I was going to shut down Fudge then I would leave it in it's entirety.  To let anyone, should they choose, follow the path of my last year and take from it or read into it whatever they chose.

To not prejudice it's integrity.

I'm wandering off course a  little here, nothing new there!

Ok, well, to go right back to the beginning.

Fudge started out as a diary on a dating website.  When I left the site I had it in mind to continue writing but in the form of a blog.

I mostly wrote it with one person in mind, to amuse them, to interest them, to .... oh, I don't know ... involve them in my life I guess.*

But things changed, I changed, my blog changed, and it wasn't just the natural evolution that most blogs go through.  It was (as I've said before) a roller coaster of highs and lows and, at times, desperation and despair.

It's left me feeling wrung out and smudged and I wonder if holding on to Fudge is the right thing to do any  more.

The very name 'People Don't Eat Enough Fudge' was given to me by SA (or technically NSASA).

I could start another blog. I could have a fresh start.

Or could I?

I didn't just write for SA, I wrote for me as well and, when I found (and honestly, I didn't expect it) that other people wanted to read what I'd written, I wrote it for you too.

I guess I'm a little scared that losing one reason (and I have no idea if SA even reads Fudge these days) may mean that I can't do it anymore but then, this year at least, I haven't felt the same level of ... again, I'm not sure what, pride, satisfaction ...? 

Neither of those seem like the right word.

I have been proud of some of my posts, I have felt satisfied that I've done my very best with them.

Maybe the catalyst was my Birthday yesterday.

I turned 46.

I want to laugh faintly hysterically when I write that.  It's a number that seems like it can't possibly apply to me.

When I mentioned that to a friend I was chatting to on FB last night he said:

'its just a label, people need to label things, I find it stupid. lets call it 28.  You are beautiful and  your age is inconsequential'.  

While that really was such a lovely compliment I think 28 may just be a  little too young for me so I'll settle for  35 I think ;).


I really am a little confused.   

Pieces in the air once more, discombobulated, and I'm not  sure what to do.

I would say I need to take a blogging break but I've thought that a couple of times in the past and that's almost immediately been followed by an overwhelming urge to write and over blog.

Bugger, I started this post with such a clear idea of what I wanted to say and do and now I simply dont know.

You know what the biggest wrench would be?

I LOVE the name of my blog.   I knew the instance SA said it that one day it would be my blogs name just as I thought he would always be a part of my life but things change don't they?

*if that sounds a little creepy I should point out that it was with their knowledge and they did want to be a part of my life ;)