Monday, 21 May 2012

The Coiled Cat

So when Kate asked me what I had planned for the rest of the day I managed to resist the temptation to say, 'just about anything that doesn't involve me taking my knickers off!'

When the alert on my phone went off at 7:30 the other morning to remind me that I had something I had to do I cant say that I was overjoyed to discover it was having my coil changed.

I sat in the waiting room opposite an elderly lady, contemplating the way her stockings fell in folds around her ankles. Or possibly she just had stocking coloured wrinkled ankles, I couldn't really be sure ...

'Do you have blood pressure dear' she enquired.

'Lets hope so' I replied.

'Im here for mine' she said fumbling in her massive bag pulling out a bottle and waving it me.

'Ah', I said, trying to look knowledgeable.
'Oh dear, she said, peering at the label, I think these are my cats worming tablets, it's so easy to get these things mixed up isn't it  ...?'

'Are you here for your blood pressure?'

Briefly I thought about broadcasting the reason for my visit to the whole waiting room before saying 'yeeesss, I'm here for my blood pressure too!'

Thankfully the lovely Kate called me in.  I feel we are old friends now as she did my smear test just a few weeks ago.

Dr D will be with us shortly (only doctors are qualified to actually change coils).

Pop behind the curtain, pop off your lower garments, pop onto the couch and pop that piece of paper over yourself she said with a smile.

I duly popped.

Three children has not in anyway stopped that feeling of complete exposure and awkwardness in situations like this.

Kate and I made small talk.  From time to time she checked her computer which confirmed that Dr D was still with her last patient.

We covered everything from decorating to holidays, carboot sales to motor bikes and eventually fell into an uncomfortable silence.

Kate bustled around rearranging some frankly terrifying looking instruments, swabs etc while I pleated the paper covering my modesty.

The clock ticked. -  I tried to avoid looking at the trolley next to the couch -
I continued to pleat and fold the paper, look, see ...:

Ok, maybe those aren't mine but much longer and Dr D might possibly have found Kate I wearing one of these each!

  I'll just pop next door and see what the hold up is said Kate - off she popped.

Somehow lying there half naked but for a small piece of blue paper on my own staring at the ceiling waiting for the door to open was even worse than idle chit chat with a surgical glove wearing nurse holding a huge metal implement.

And then the door opened and in came Kate and Dr D.

'Hello Mrs Mac she beamed  how are we today?'

'Well, I'm half naked and you are about to insert a foreign object into my body, I'd say the prospect is possibly making us both feel a little uneasy I said.

And, given that you are about to become very closely acquainted with my cervix, please feel free to call me Sarah' I added.

We all chuckled, some of us slightly more ruefully than others ...

I'm going to kind of skim over the next bit, you really don't need or want to know the details but here are a few snippets, thoughts, and musing that went through my mind over the next 20 minutes or so:

'I wonder who wants to be here less, me or them ...?' (I mused)
'This ones not long enough, hand me the BIG Mofo implement' (Dr D - ok, in reality she may have said 'I need a longer speculum, but that's what I HEARD dammit!)

'Kate has such a lovely smile' (another of my musings)

'Im just going to clip you cervix' - 'What the FUCK - DID YOU SAY CLIP IT???' (Dr D, shortly followed by me).
'You're doing really well.' (Kate reassuringly)

'Maybe not so really when you consider my only alternative is to leap off the table whilst my cervix is catapulted to the other side of the room ...  (another oh so amusing musing;)

'More light, I need more light!' (Dr D)

'You mean that 1000 watt light you're scorching my arse with, the one that's currently giving a whole new meaning to the phrase burning bush isn't enough???' (no idea if I said that out loud or not)

'Hold this in place, I'm going in (Dr D - I SWEAR those were her exact words!)

'Oh dear, your cervix seems to have gone into spasms'. (Dr D)

'Can you fucking BLAME it?  My whole body is in spasms and the bits that aren't WOULD be if only they weren't suffering 2nd degree burns!' (I said that, I'm SURE I said that!)

'I'll just apply a little anaesthetic gel and try again shall I?' (Dr D)

'No thanks, I really would be happy never to have sex again, honest, it's absolutely NOT a problem!' (me, altho unfortunately it seems I  only said that in my head whilst nodding inanely).

A little more time waiting and pleating and then in for another try ....

(why am I telling you all of this???  I really have NO bloody idea!)

It seemed my cervix doesn't like being messed with and I for one don't blame it!

In the end Doctor D suggested I came back another day.

I'm still thinking Id rather never have sex again than get back on that couch.

On a lighter note (although the same subject ... ish):

When SD came round to admire the kittens - ok, that's a lie, he grew up on a farm, the only possible use for a cat in his mind is to catch mice (added to which he has a slight allergy to them and so spends much of his time picking cat hairs off me and wheezing slightly), he said ...

'So, you'll be getting her splayed after this then' -  I shit you NOT!  That is what I heard him say.

Ok, well, I'm still not 100% sure, it's possible I misheard, or, maybe it's just one of those words that for some reason he mispronouses (we ALL have those dont we?  ;).

After my recent experience this brought to mind vivid pictures that I'd really rather not have had in my head!

But if he has got it wrong I have no intention of correcting him because ... well, because I'm mean like that :)

Linking up with Glowless at:

Where’s My Glow?


Kelloggs Ville said...

doesn't having your coil done hurt? My damned doctor has always hurt me. The family planning guy on the other hand is stealth like, in and out and I'd not even noticed....wouldn't want to be his wife....but as a coil fitter he's da man....maybe that's why my origami is so crap.

maybe you should mention to the RSPCA that SD is splaying cats.

Feisty Cat said...

Your coil? This is a phrase that we do not use in the US. I will have to borrow it for my next, um, 50,000 mile service.

And I also didn't realize that a cervix could spasm. Those darn things are frisky, aren't they?

You made me smile today. And that's a very good thing indeed.

: )

E. said...

Ooh, I hate those kind of appointments. I'd be thinking no sex ever again is better than that, too.

I'm thinking if you are getting the cat spayed it might get splayed during the procedure.

Sarah said...

I'm still putting off making asecond appointment K - maybe I should come nd see your man.

I had no idea they could spasm either FC (but I could sure as hell FEEL it when it did!) - glad it made you smile :)

Im still thinking no sex is the better option E - my cervix decided to express it's dispeasure further with an excuriciating bout of cystitis - sopmetimes being a woman is the pits!

Oh god, not sure I can put Tilly through that but at least she gets to sleep through it - maybe I should ask the vet to do me at the same time ...

Glowless @ Where's My Glow said...

I had NO IDEA a cervix could spasm! I guess you learn something new every day.
Thanks for joining in the linky :)

Lisa H said...

Oh I'm sorry, I'm laughing... not at you, with you :-)

I'm totally with you on the "I wonder who wants to be here less..." thought. I always think that at pap smear time, in fact I reckon I've had most of your thoughts go through my head!