Wednesday, 13 November 2013

Not Guilty!!

Sometimes I think that I sound just like Bridget Jones which, considering Renee Zellweger is a Texan putting on an English accent, is a bit of a concern. It's true though, if you've ever wondered what I sound like (which you probably haven't but one day I might even get around to that vlog so you do) then just imagine Bridget Jones saying 'fuck' and that's me.

I should probably worry more about the fact that I act like Bridget Jones much of the time. Anyone who's watched the films could probably imagine me parachuting into a pig pen or trying to climb the wrong way up a fireman’s pole (that is NOT a euphemism by the way!) in the same way that it would be perfectly possible to imagine Bridget riding a sheep in the back of a van or taking out 3 checkouts at the Supermarket with a single bottle of coke or even standing in a wheelie bin holding a bag of cat shit and I'm probably never going to go Thailand because I just don't know all the words to 'Like A Virgin'.

Come to think of it SD is just like Mark Darcy (other than not being a top human right lawyer or hugely rich and or, to be honest, even owning a suit to my knowledge).

I've had my own Daniel Cleavers in the past too. Men that like the idea of me but don't take me seriously. One's that have played with my heart, made promises they don't keep and have left me wanting to stuff my face with ice cream or eat pickle straight out of the jar with a spoon while I sing 'All By Myself' very badly in my PJ's.

Men who, for whatever reason, decided I wasn't enough 'just the way I am'.

Last night we were watching a little of the Sarah Connor Chronicles. I'm eking it out as for some bizarre reason they only made three seasons and I really don't want it to end. Seriously, if you haven't watched it then do!

Anyway, part way through my phone rang and so I hit pause to take the call. As I was trying to chat politely without shouting 'bugger off, I'm watching the telly!' Eddie, my little black cat jumped up on to the sofa next to me and silently farted!

God that cat stank! Christ knows what she had been eating but, like a thick mist, the stench wafted over me. I started waving my hands around, my eyes were watering and I grunted to the the other person on the phone as I tried desperately to hold my breath. I gestured wildly to SD to remove the bloody cat before I was asphyxiated and he walked over and scooped her up with one hand under her belly.

Now Eddie is a rather nervous cat and she hadn't seen SD approach. As she was suddenly lifted into the air it unnerved her so much that she broke wind incredibly loudly. I have honestly never heard a cat make a noise like that before. I burst out laughing at SD’s horrified expression before gagging as the smell hit the back of my throat, god knows what the person on the other end of the phone thought was going on.

I finished the call as quickly as I could whilst waving a magazine around to try and disperse the smell and then ran out to the kitchen to grab some fresh air spray.

'Bloody hell that stinks' I said to SD 'and have you ever heard a noise like that either?' 'I thought I was going to die laughing or just die or something'.

SD looked at me with a pained expression – 'To be honest Sarah, it does and I haven't but I'm a bit surprised that you find it so funny, I thought you might be slightly embarrassed'.

'Why should I be embarrassed?' I said, 'After all, it's not like….' then it dawned on me …

Bloody SD had thought it was ME who farted!!!


K Ville said...

I hunk this is a double bluff so you can show it to SD and say 'see'.

Eat more ginger my love.

Sarah said...

Haha, K, that would work if SD ever read my blog (which he doesn't) - to be honest, I usually blame the dog ;-)