fudge

Thursday, 28 February 2013

Five Sentence Fiction - Empty

It's been such a long time since I've participated in FSF with Lillie.  Each week I mean to write something and then time just flows on and I miss the moment.

This probably isn't my best piece of writing but it is a little snapshot memory of my childhood.

Empty

Dolefully she ran her dampened finger around the plate wanting to catch every last golden crumb - every sparkling grain of sugar before popping it into her mouth and savouring the sweetness.

The sun was warm on her bare arms and legs - the chickens gently chuckled to themselves as they scratched and pawed at the dirt looking for worms - the scent of mint filled the air, crushed beneath her careless feet and only the low drone of a solitary bee wandering from flower to flower broke the stillness of the hot afternoon.

Placing the plate carefully beside her she wriggled forwards on the wooden bench until her toes touched the ground and then, plate in hand, she pushed open the heavy door into the coolness of the pantry.

From her vantage point she could see her Grandmother in the kitchen, oven mitts encased her liver spotted hands as she bent to open the oven door.

Her senses were assailed by the aroma of freshly baked bread and she smiled - in her Grandmothers house her plate was never empty for long.

Wednesday, 27 February 2013

Exploding The Myth

'Are you on your period?' - SD backed off a little as my eyes narrowed.

'It's just that you're looking a little ...  pale .....'

He backed off further as I growled.

'It looks like all the blood has drained from your face to your ........'

'To my what SD? - MY WHAT?????'

Silently he reached into the cupboard and handed me a pack of Jaffa Cakes - unfortunately it was the empty pack I'd put in there to fool him into thinking I hadn't eaten them all ...

I mentioned in my last post that I'd read a post from Dad Down Under - you can find it here if you want to take a look.

It started with a comment on his FB page which said:

'Ladies I need your help .... again.  You know the angry stage of a period, how long does that actually last?  And is there anything your partner can do to ease the pain/stay out of the firing line (mostly stay out of the firing line).

To which I obviously responded:

It last as long as it last dammit!  Added to which, it doesn't actually exist ok?

He then went on to write the aforementioned post with a suggestion that perhaps women could adopt a broach system.

A green broach for: It's safe, you're in no immediate danger.

An orange broach for: My lava is starting to boil..

A red broach for: Stay the fuck away!

Now I admire forward thinking men but I instantly saw the flaw in his thinking.

Broaches have SHARP STABBY BITS!!!

I pointed this out to him.

He replied:

'I didn't think of that Sarah, you can get clip on ones can't you?  That might work?'

Hmmm, slightly missing the point there DDU - the sharp stabby bits are mostly what attracts me to the idea!

It's totally beyond me why men feel they can understand or empathise with a woman's menstrual cycle or even why they would want to.

Maybe they'd like to go the whole hog and take it off our hands?

Now THAT would be  something we could agree on!

Let me make a few things clear (I shall do this in picture format to make it easier for male readers)

Do not EVER try to compete/compare anything you have ever been through to period pains:

(and don't even get me started on giving birth ;)

And we will ALWAYS win:



Do not try and empathise:

even if you think you mean it this WILL be seen as patronising!

You don't need to tread on eggshells or listen carefully for sub text - we will make our needs VERY clear:


If you have a daughter who's your little princess right now just remember, come puberty:


friends/daughters/co-workers - whatever


And finally - Although it is always possible that hormones may be determining her mood you should always consider this possibility:




Of course, as already mentioned.  PMT (or PMS, whatever you want to call it) doesn't actually exist and even if it did - I DON'T SUFFER FROM IT ..... m'kay???

Oh, and in case you have missed my relentless flogging - you can now find Fudge on face book. Just search for People Don't Eat Enough Fudge :)
















Saturday, 23 February 2013

Happy Birthday Son - I Burnt You Some Cockcakes




You know, I'm struggling to know what to say about this .....

Today Big D turns 29 and if that wasn't enough to freak me out I seem to have made him cakes with cocks (my apologies to those readers with sensitive natures).

I'm sure I read a blog post sometime last year where someone managed to do the same thing (could have been Mrs Woog).  They were pretty impressive I'd I wondered how she did it.

I still don't know but if we worked it out I'm certain there must be a market out there for them ...

These cakes are supposed to be lemon drizzle and the irony of the recipe telling me to 'prick' them all over while they are still warm (so the drizzle soaks in) is not lost on me ...

Should I give them to him as they are?  Chop the added appendages off and give them to him separately ...

 'Hi son, I also baked you a little batch of penises' ...

Make a summer fruit and cock trifle from them?

I am tempted to ice them, put them in a tin and take them along for the pensioners bingo as an apology for not being there tonight ...

Any thoughts?  Ever made cockcakes yourself and if so, how did you eat yours???



Friday, 22 February 2013

A Photo For Friday

Photo number 3 for my 'Photo On Friday' series:



I know what you're thinking!

That's just a photo of a packet of Jaffa Cakes.  Where's the before and after photo.  What happened to the  colour boosting, the cropping, the curves, focus, lights etc, etc, etc ....

Where in fact are all the special affects that make Sarah feel like a proper photographer.  All this is is a slightly out of focus photo of a box of cakes (biscuits???).

Ha!

This is possibly the most clever photo of all because the special affect isn't immediately obvious.  Go on, go back and take another look, I'll wait here a while .................................................................................................................................................................................................................

Can you see it??

Ok, I'll tell you:

The box - SHE IS EMPTY!

How friggin' clever is that!!!!

Want to know why I have an empty box of Jaffa Cakes in my cupboard?

Pretty sure some of you will have worked that one out already.

It's so SD doesn't know that Miss Mac and I scoffed the lot in one sitting :)

SD is one of those odd people that can exert restraint and it wont even occur to him to help himself to one.  It also wont occur to him to check how many are in the box so I'm going to leave that box there for ...  hmmm, another 2 days perhaps and then I'll put it in the recycling box.

I think SD would consider 4 days a reasonable amount of time for a box of Jaffa Cakes to last.

Personally, I think he's deluded.

Miss Mac and I attacked that box like a pack of rabid dogs within minutes, it didn't even make it into the cupboard when there was something in it!

How long does a box of Jaffa Cakes last in your house?