fudge

Wednesday, 25 June 2014

Things I Suck At

Linking up with Maxabella for The Weekend Rewind.

So, this weeks topic over at The Lounge is Things I Suck At.

I was going to make you a list but then the irony of that struck me as lists are possibly the things I most suck at!

Surfer Dude makes me list ALL THE TIME!!!

I lose them, I forget them, I draw on them, I give them to the kitten to play with, occasionally, with a HUGE flourish I tick something off them!

Mostly I just add the things that SD clearly FORGOT to put on the list because I DID do them (even though he possibly thinks that playing with the kitten, sunbathing and eating cake don't actually belong on the list in the first place but then, what does HE know??) just so that I have something to tick off.

I suck at plenty of other stuff too.

For instance, I can't play the piano - I've NO idea why not.  In my head I can play it perfectly well but in reality something seems to get lost in translation and ...  Well,  I can't ...

I can't knit around corners, I can't work out the scale on maps, the next turning could be 2 miles down the road or 20, I have NO idea!  I can't speak French fluently (or even at all ...).  I can't see those magic eye picture and I seriously think they are some kind of trick that you all play on me just to fry my brain.

Yesterday I seriously sucked at opening my new conditioner in the shower.

I'd bought this super duper stuff which gives you fabulously soft flowing locks because it's injected with the anal glands of unicorns and Argon oil at vast expense to try to counteract the affects of too much sun, sea and beach buggy which has left my hair looking and feeling like a rather badly abused brillo pad.

So, after shampooing my hair I reached out blindly for the conditioner which was in a tube - seriously??

Who honestly thinks that it a good idea to put shower stuff in tubes??

I took the top off and then didn't know what to do with it.

I put it in the holder thingy that the shower gel etc sits.

It fell through a gap into the shower tray.

I trod on it which REALLY hurt!!

I scrabbled around half blinded by the water and residual shampoo.

I knocked it into the drain which it fitted PERFECTLY and the shower tray started to fill up with water.

Eventually I managed to hook it out and then, as I got up, I smacked my head on the bottom of the holder thingy which REALLY hurt!

I threw the top over the shower door onto the bathroom floor.

I squeezed ....  Nothing ...

I squeezed HARDER ....  NOTHING.

I painfully opened one eye and peered at the bloody thing.

It only had one of those stupid foil covers that you have to peel off on the end of it!

I pulled ...  It broke ...

I looked around the shower for something sharp to stab it with.

Nothing!!!

I swore a little ...

I got out of the shower still half blind and trod on the top I'd thrown on the floor - It REALLY hurt!!!

I picked the top up, opened the bathroom window and THREW it half way up the garden!

I stabbed a hole in the top with the nail scissors, got back in the shower, dolloped a load of the stuff on my hair and then realised I needed to put the top back on before I could put it down ...

I would like to say that at this point it was ALL worth it because my hair looks FABULOUS but in fact it looks and feels EXACTLY the same as it did with the added bonus that it now smells of bloody BANANAS!!










19 comments:

Lydia C. Lee said...

Who puts conditioner in a tube??!

Sarah said...

I know, I KNOW Lydia - all I can say is IT'S NOT BIG AND ITS NOT CLEVER!!!

joeh said...

Sorry to be laughing at your expense, but I am.

I wonder if there is an opening for a fourth Stooge.

Beth said...

LOL! Sorry I had to laugh too.
Pantene makes a shampoo with conditioner already in it. That is what I use in the shower.

Ness said...

PMSL- at least we have discovered one of the mysteries of the universe. The anal glands of unicorns smell like bananas. Who knew?

Holly Nelson @ English Girl Canadian Man said...

How do things like this happen to you?! Everything that could go wrong did go wrong!! Cor blimey. Next time just use some co op own coconut conditioner or something- far less risky!!

Sarah said...

I forgive you Joe - I often laugh at myself. My life often is a little slapstick,I wonder what my stooge name could be ...

I forgive you too Beth! I'm a big fan of the all in one's but I though my hair deserved a little something extra after being so mistreated - it really wasn't worth the effort!

I like to think of myself as an educational blog Ness ;-)

See, I have a THEORY Holly - I think this kind of stuffs happen to EVERYONE it's just that most people have the sense to keep quiet about it.

Brighton Pensioner said...

Could you not have... No, perhaps I'd better not go there.

Sarah said...

Ha ha , now I'm forever going to be wonder what it was that I could have done BP!

Kylie Purtell said...

This is why I try to hold off on washing my hair as long as possible. Bad things happen when trying to condition your hair (and obviously a man who doesn't use conditioner designed that tube!)

robomum said...

I sneakily read this in class today while my students were watching a movie and almost bwahahaha-ed into my coffee mug. Sorry but it's bloody hilarious! Cheers for the big belly laugh!

theviblog said...

My conditioner is in a tube, although it has never tried to harm me in the manner yours did! I also like to put things I've already done on lists - its good for your self esteem I reckon ;)

Sarah said...

Self esteem is very important - I shall point that out to SD. I obviously have very badly behaved conditioner as well s very badly behaved hair ;-)

Roan said...

Yeah, I have some conditioner in a tube. Not a good thing. I'm certain whoever came up with the idea was someone of the male persuasion!

Sonia LifeLoveandHiccups said...

I know I should have some sympathy for you - but I am sorry I just cant get past the unicorn anal glands and the comedy value in your misfortunate run in with a tube of conditioner. Seriously though - tubes for the shower with cap thingys? Made by a man no doubt! x

Sarah said...

Clearly designed by a man - who would have thought washing your hair could be SO dangerous! ;-)

Tegan Churchill said...

I may have snorted cordial out my nose when I read this! You poor thing, clearly the conditioner was invented by a bald man!

ann said...

You are a crack up!! Count yourself lucky you have a full tube. My little buggers pumped half a bottle of both shampoo and conditioner plus the spesh extra conditioner I had down the drain!!

Sarah said...

Sounds like my ex Tegan ;-)

Been there, done that Ann - it's always the expensive stuff too isn't it!