fudge

Friday, 11 July 2014

A Poem (and some poo ...)

Do your pets embarrass you?

Mine do ALL the time!

Not as often as my children mind and certainly not as often as I embarrass myself but, on a pretty regular basis one of them will do something that has me hanging my head in shame.


Now I DON'T have a kitten ok?

I know I dont have a kitten because I've been saying that to SD several times a day for the last 3 weeks which is about the same time we brought 2 kittens home from the farm to re -home and one went almost immediately but the other one stuck around for a bit (and she's still here).

I mean, I KNOW I don't have a kitten right  because if I did then she would have a name wouldn't she?  But she doesn't.  (Miss Mac and I just call her squidgy and she's a lovely, lovable ball of tortoiseshell fluff with a very loud purr.)

Anyway, Big D popped round yesterday morning and, after opening my fridge and all the cupboards and the tins on top of the cupboards and discovering ... (all before actually saying hello to me I might add!)

NO CAKE!!!

He turned his attention to the kitten I don't have who, having never seen such a big man (Big D is 6ft 3" and very broad!) had shot under the kitchen cupboard and refused to come out.

With a little cajoling I persuaded her to come out and I scooped her up and handed her to Big D.

She wasn't too keen so, after making a bit of a fuss of her he put her back down on the floor.

'OMFG!!!' he shouted - 'I HAVE CAT SHIT ON MY FINGER!!!!'

He waved the offending digit in my direction - I backed off ...

Are you SURE it's cat shit?

Mum he said, it looks like cat shit, it smells like cat shit, I'm saying it IS cat shit unless you want me to check if it TASTES like bloody cat shit!

Poor squidgy was terrified by all this shouting and shot back under the cupboard bless her.

Big D stood there totally transfixed by the smear of brown, evil smelling kitten excrement on his finger.

For goodness sake just go and wash your hands I told him, you think that's the worst thing that can happen?  I'll have you know that I've had your ....

Big D held up his hand for silence, the action slightly marred by lump of poo clinging to it and then I started to giggle and then I retched a little (it really DID stink ..) and then I giggled and retched at the same time.

ITS NOT BLOODY FUNNY he shouted - I'M SUPPOSED TO BE COOKING A BBQ TONIGHT - which only made me laugh even more ...

HOW CAN I COOK A BBQ WHEN I'VE HAD CAT SHIT ON MY FINGER - I'LL HAVE TO WAIT AT LEAST 24 HOURS BEFORE I TOUCH FOOD TO GIVE MY SKIN A CHANCE TO SHED!!

I stopped giggling ...

I'm sorry - did you just say you SHED your whole skin every 24 hours ....??

Good GOD - what did I give birth to??

I'm going to gloss over that conversation now because actually, that wasn't supposed to be what this post was about at all!

This post was SUPPOSED to be about romance and poetry and that kind of stuff.

I'm going to have to write another post about SD and the gold hot pants at some point but now is NOT the time!

SD and I often take a walk down by the canal or the river in the evening just to wind down.  It's usually fairly quiet and can be quite romantic apart from me slapping at the blood midges.

The other night my thoughts turned to poetry.

Actually, they didn't, they turned to how much I hate the bloody great building Viridor have built at the end of my road right on the canal, a building that now blocks my view of the hills.

To be fair, they have tried to make the surrounding area nice with some careful landscaping and part of this is a perspex board.

SD and I stopped to read the board which turned out to be three boards set one behind the other with writing on to give a 3D affect.  On it was, rather surprisingly, a poem.

SD was very dismissive of the poem, in fact he said it was crap.

So, I said, what do YOU know about poetry anyway??  If you know so much about it then why don't you write one for me.

Ok, I will said SD, in fact, I'll do it right now!

So, taking both my hands in his he looked deeply into my eyes and, after clearing  his throat he began:

'Ola' ...  he said (which I thought was a little odd seeing as my name is Sarah ...)

He paused for dramatic affect before resuming

O LA ... (pause)  Paloma ...

Another pause, more soulful eye searching ...

O LA Paloma Blanca ...

!!!

I am just a bird in the sky ....!!!

 O LA ... (pause)  Paloma ...

Another pause, a little more soulful eye searching ...

LA Paloma Blanca ...

Over!!!

Over the mountains I fly ...

Ooo I Ooo I Aaayy ...  Ooo I Ooo I Aaayy

(which I'm fairly sure doesn't belong in that song at ALL and SD had in fact strayed into Worzel territory!)


Linking up with Maxabella for The Weekend Rewind and Have a Laugh On Me for the Laugh Linkup.




12 comments:

Brighton Pensioner said...

Wordsworth used to be high on opium or laudanum when he wrote poetry. What was SD on?

Sarah said...

You could be right BP - I'm confiscating his orange smarties just in case!

Munir said...

So you don't have a kitten but still get to enjoy her? Nice arrangement.

Sarah said...

Ingenious don't you think Munir?

joeh said...

Actually it takes 48 hours to shed your skin.

Sarah said...

Does it Joe ... DOES IT?? I'm going to have to google that now aren't I?

Holly Nelson @ English Girl Canadian Man said...

Disturbing information re: skin shedding. I now feel reptilian or similar. Also, cat poo is the worst, smelliest thing.

Sarah said...

Cat poo is vile Holly on the scale of poo (and yes, there IS one ...) cat poo isn't far behind chicken shit.

Emily @ Have A Laugh On Me said...

A very umm, abstract poem! But the cat poo, OMFG that is hilarious, sort of, I can't stand poo or any sort, even my own children's. The smell lasts forever - sorry too much info?? Thanks for linking - have a happy week :)

Sanch LivingLife said...

Oh goodness...the cat poo! Hilarious! And interesting poem... :D

Sarah said...

I'm not big on poo either Emily but it does seem to feature quite a lot in my life ...

I probably should have included a link to the song Sanch, its not even an SD original it's the lyrics from a very old George Baker song - god knows what goes on in SD head at times!

Kate N said...

hahahahahhahahhahahahahhahahahahaa to all of the above!

You need to throw some 'more germs on a worktop than a loo seat' stats at him :)