fudge

Tuesday, 8 July 2014

When I Grow Up

I've decided that I definitely DON'T want to be a postman!

To be fair, it was never high on my list anyway but after last week I realised that even when the sun is shining and the pace is my own it really isn't something I was cut out for.

Last Thursday as you may remember (if you read this post), Roger finally got the leaflets sorted for our Fun Day at the park last Sunday and Bob and I were designated leaflets droppers.

Roger often forgets to do things but, when he remembers he doesn't do them by halves and he had 1000 leaflets printed!

Bob and I are pretty game though and we set off after dividing up the area between us.

It didn't take me long to appreciate how truly shit the job of a postie can be and 9/10ths of it is down to bloody letterboxes!

Some are really easy, lift the flap, stick the leaflet through and Bob's your uncle, job done!

Others, well ...

There are the ones with the brushes, now I have one of these and they keep the draught out so I get it but some are almost impossible to force anything through they are so stiff and my poor leaflets took a bit of a battering.

Some have a flap, brushes and then ANOTHER flap on the inside - WHAT'S THAT ALL ABOUT???  I'm lifting the outside flap with one hand, shoving the leaflet through those bloody brushes with the other and then my knuckles are skinned by the flap on the inside which easily opens as I put my hand in but them GRABS it trying to close as I pull my hand out again!

There are letterboxes at ground level -   WHY??  I just don't get that one at all.  I don't want to grovel around on your doorstep with my bum in the air with everyone passing by getting a birds eye view of my knickers! (and that may be the reason why the posties uniform doesn't include short summer dresses ...).

Letter boxes that are upright, these usually have REALLY strong springs and can either open from the left or the right or even occasionally the bottom, I hate these most of all, they are really bloody difficult to use and, if you have one of these and you DIDN'T get a leaflet then tough, change your letterbox!

There were people who I swear saw me coming up the road and thought it would be really funny to wait until I had the leaflet half way through the box before snatching it out of my hand scaring the crap out of me.  Dogs that ripped them out of my hand before ripping them to shreds and some very cranky people who had stickers saying ' no free papers, no charities, no leaflets' etc (which I assumed DIDN'T mean leaflets advertising a local fun day but it seemed I was wrong ...) who took exception to me shoving things through their letterboxes.

Other than that it wasn't a BAD way to spend a sunny afternoon and I'd almost finished when disaster struck!

In the window was one of those ' no free papers, no charities, no leaflets' signs which (as before) I ignored.  I pushed me leaflet through the first flap, through the really stiff brushes, through the second flap and then ....

'CANT YOU EFFING WELL READ??  IT SAYS NO LEAFLETS!!!'

I froze with my hand still inside the house and looked up.  A very pissed off looking lady was hanging out of the window.

'I'm just ...  It's only ...'

'TAKE YOUR EFFING LEAFLETS AND SHOVE THEM WHERE THE SUN DON'T SHINE OR I'M SETTING THE DOG ON YOU!!!'

I can take a hint ...

As I whipped my hand out of the letterbox leaving most of my skin and all of my nail varnish on the other side I heard a tinkling sound, as I examined my poor bruised and bloody hand I noticed, MY RING WAS MISSING!!

The damned brushes must have caught it and pulled it off!

Now there's no real value to my ring, it's just a plain silver band but I always wear it and I like it and there wasn't any way I was going to leave it there but that woman was scary so I sent Bob back to knock on the door and get my ring back (which he did bless him).

And THAT ladies and gentlemen is why I DON'T want to be a postman.

More on the Fun Day, space hopper racing (and why it's just for kids), how not to build a gazebo, Sam the incontinent terrier, big breasted ladies and Rogers shoes coming to Fudge soon.


5 comments:

Brighton Pensioner said...

"More on the Fun Day... coming to Fudge soon."

I shall look forward to that!

joeh said...

You would think an older man such as myself would have a reasonable suggestion for that last lovely women, but personally I think there should be a righteous egg bombing of her home in the future!

Beth said...

I have never wanted to be a postman either. Now after reading this post I can understand why! :-)

Emma Kate at Paint and Style said...

What a horrible lady! I would pretend I was foreign and start speaking gobbledigook at her very loudly. Pointing at the leaflet with an urgent manner. And carry on with that for quite some time. I'd probably go back the next day too. Yeah. xxx

K Ville said...

Hmmmm yes. I posted the local free newspaper for a while (just before my back went) and the experinece was much the same. It made me think hard about my own letter box and whether it was ok for the postie. I think everyone should post themselves a letter to test it out.