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Tuesday, 24 February 2015

From The Archives - Things YOU Wouldn't Do ...

Anyone that's been reading my blog for a while has probably already seen this post so feel free to walk on by if you have.

Now today is a bit of a funny day for me.  Not as in funny ha ha, just a bit .... Hmmm ...

It occurred to me that it might be a bit of a Hmmm day for you too and it might just do you good to have a laugh at my expense.

I also found myself googling burlap just now and, as Joe will tell you - ain't nobody got time for one of those crappy crafting posts which I wont finish anyway so instead, I bring you THIS!!!

Things YOU Wouldn't Do

Yesterday after a conversation with a friend, I suggested that my next blog post could be something along the lines of the things I've done that normal people probably wouldn't.

When he said 'That would be an incredibly long blog post ....' I have to admit to being slightly affronted!

Bloody cheek!

How dare he.

How dare he be so ...

So ...

SO. ...

RIGHT!

I'm FULL of great ideas.

That's why Thursday evening found me straddling a sheep as it repeatedly smacked the crap out of my face with it's bony little head.

Remember I told you a couple of weeks ago that we were going to get a cute little lambykin to keep the goat company?

Cute little lambykins grow people - cute little lambykins bloody grow!!!

Not only had that cute little sucker almost doubled in size in the last two weeks - she is now slightly bigger than my dog Gus and twice his weight but she had also been out in the field and suddenly wasn't quite so people friendly.  Added to which she was extremely pissed off at having her ears tagged that morning.

A couple of weeks ago when she had been cute and cuddly and tried climbing out of the pen so I could scratch her behind the ears it had all seemed like such a doddle.  She was going to sit on my lap on the way to the farm while I told her tales of how lovely life was going to be as she frolicked in the paddock with her soon to be big sis the nanny goat.

Cue reality check!!

I got into the back of the van and opened my arms for a woolly little bundle of fluffiness and Will (who's bastard sheep it was) heaved this thrashing mass of pissed off mutton with flailing legs into my arms.

WHAAAH!!!

I grabbed a hank of oily wool in each hand and looked into it's mean little eyes - 'GET OFF MY EFFING FOOT YOU BASTARD' I crooned lovely in it's fluffy little ear.

It headbutted me.

'KEEP STILL AND STOP EFFING HEADBUTTING ME' I whispered soothingly.

It headbutted me again.

'GET OFF MY EFFING FOOT - STOP HEADBUTTING ME AND DON'T YOU EFFING DARE SHIT ON MY FOOT'

It headbutted me again, shat on my foot and then SAT on it!!!

Will (the bastard)  had been watching all this with great amusement eventually stepped in and said 'try this' as he whipped her head around to the side and appeared to almost insert it up her rectum.

I tried it.

She headbutted me.

'Ok, try THIS' he said not even trying to control his mirth and he picked up one of her legs and held it under her belly.

I tried it.

She headbutted me.

'Hang on' said Will and he disappeared for a couple of minutes and returned with a paper feed sack.

He popped it over her head and half her body.

'That should calm her down he said'.

Phew!!!

Then she headbutted me.

Next followed the longest 20 minutes of my entire life as we drove to the farm.

I was hanging off my seat with my legs clamped around her fat little belly.  One hand gripping her wool so tightly my hand still hurts, the other holding the bag over her head as she shouted really loudly in my ear and smacked me in the face every couple of seconds.

SD of course thought I was making a fuss about nothing!!

Ive no idea what the people in the car that pulled up beside us at the lights thought but I could see them all looking on in opened mouthed horror at this screaming harpy in the back of a van who appeared to be riding a large thrashing, paper bag as it bleating frantically and she shouted 'keep still you little fucker unless you want me to shove your head right back up you arse again!'

And if your day has been a bit Hmmm then hopefully this has helped  ....

2 comments:

Stephen Hayes said...

Kids do tend to grow up and become ornery, all types of kids.

Brighton Pensioner said...

Yes, I've met one or two sheep like that. In fact, I had to carry a spade as protection for the private parts when going into the field where Sean the ram lamb lived...