Wednesday 25 February 2015

I Did It MY Way ...

I've always been know as the 'Arty' one.  You know, the one who maiden Aunts talk about in loud whispers out of the corner of their mouths at family gatherings with exaggerated lip curling and much head nodding in my direction.

'You know - Sarah ...  That one over there ...  The inappropriately dressed one ...  Freakishly tall ...  Yes, THAT one - the 'ARTY one ....'

Anyway, I've kind of run with this.  I accepted from a very early age that I was never going to be the clever one or the one least likely to embarrass you in public or even the COOL one.

My lot in life was to be the 'Arty', 'Freakishly tall' 'Inappropriately dressed' slightly 'Embarrassing' one and I like to think I've embraced my calling wholeheartedly.

I'm fairly sure that SD, my children and anyone who's ever had the misfortune of being seen in public with me will agree that the one thing I am NOT is a half hearted person.

I've exposed myself to many of my neighbours.  I've dressed inappropriately on many occasions most notably at formal dinner parties and school events and, more recently on a trip to Tesco Express with Miss Mac on a late night dash for emergency chocolate.

It was late and cold and Gus needed a pee.  Now in MY book there is no earthly reason why I shouldn't wear Miss Macs Funky Monkey aged 12 dressing gown out whilst I walk the dog.  It makes perfect sense to me.  It's thin enough to fit under a jacket.  It has a hood so my ears don't get cold and, best of all, it has a ZIP!!

I consider it bloody ingenious to have a zip on a dressing gown don't you?  Those damned cords are ALWAYS coming undone at the very moment you are having a peaceful cup of tea in the garden and your neighbour comes out to hang the washing don't you find ...

Anyway, the main bonus of having a zip on a dressing gown is that you can tuck your hot water bottle into your leggings, zip your dressing gown over the top and it holds it in place.


Generally ....

I'd managed to sneak out with funky money on and hot water bottle in place without Miss Mac noticing due to the fact that I'd craftily put my coat on over the top while she wasn't looking.

All was going well, the chocolate was purchased and we were on the home straight.  In profile I may have looked a little rotund but no one seemed to have noticed.

Chocolate in one hand I passed some money to the lovely young man on whom Miss Mac has a slight crush.  And, as he returned my change he dropped it!

In my haste to catch the falling coins I lurched forward resulting in a loud sloshing noise, my leggings lost their grip on the hot water bottle and it slipped from it's snug position and due to the lycra content of my leggings plummeted to groin level where it hung, swaying in the breeze like an over sized apron of flesh resting on my thighs.

We looked at each other this young and handsome cashier and I ... he glanced at my groin ... I looked at his ....


I was powerless.

My hands were full.

Miss Mac had run sobbing out into the night.

A queue was forming behind me.

I turned slowly, hanging my head in shame and left the building the heat of the hot water bottle scalding my legs as it bounced noisily  and apparently joyfully  with each step under the watchful and horrified gaze of 7 strangers.

So ANYWAY - as well as all THAT, did you know I write poetry??

It's TRUE!

And I bake!

Now I make a pretty mean cake (in a GOOD way) but I have to admit, I'm totally shit at icing.  My attempts were once described as from the ... school of cake decorating - Actually, I CAN'T tell you the word because when they said it I had no idea what it was so I had to google it and I then spent the next hour trying to erase all the links to it from my computer just in case it broke down and I had to take it in for repair.

What I WILL tell you is that the word begins with a B, ends in an E and has a couple of K's in the middle (now hopefully like me you will have no idea what this word is).

So, the whole point of this post was to show you how I've combine my amazing skills with a little help from Frank ...

My Way

And now, the cakes are here
And so I face the final icing
My friend, I'll say it clear
I'll state my case, of which I'm certain
I've beaten eggs
I sieved each and ev'ry item
And more, much more than this, so now please just bit'em

Regrets, I've had a few
But then again, there's been much tension
I did what I had to do and saw it through without exemption
I planned each masterpiece, oh god, I hope you like'em
And more, much more than this, so now please just bit'em

Yes, there were times, I'm sure you knew
You'd bitten off more than you could chew
But through it all, when there was doubt
You ate it up, didn't spit it out
I faced it all and I stood tall and did it my way

I've loved, I've laughed and cried
I've had my fill, my share of carnage
And now, as tears subside, I survey the damage
To think I did all that
And may I say, not in a shy way
Oh, no, oh, no not me, I did it my way

For what IS a woman, what HAS she got?

If not her cakes, then she has naught
To express herself through butter cream and fondant fancies
The record shows, I took the blows and did it my way

Yes ...  this was MYYYYYYYY way ...


Mike@Bit About Britain said...

You had me giggling inanely at the image in Tesco Express. And the adaptation of 'My Way' is just fabulous. Brilliant post - thank you very much!

kate n said...


How on earth did you get the first cupcake to look like a duck? Pure artistic genius :)

Sarah said...

Thanks Mike, it's a bit of bugger about Tesco Express, it's SO handy but Miss Mac tells me we can never go there again ... Glad you liked it my way :-)

Do you know what Kate, it DOES look like a duck doesn't it? I'm ever so slightly embarrassed to admit that I thought they looked like tiny penises (penii???) so I cut them off ...

kate n said...

Hahah - I hope that's not your reaction everytime you see something that looks like penii...lol!

Sarah said...

Haha, no, not EVERY time Kate - I did think of serving them separately with a little dipping sauce but I couldn't face it so I think I ended up feeding them to the dog ...

stacy sews and schools said...

OMG!!!!! Dying laughing here!!!! Hilarious!!!

Karen @Baking In A Tornado said...

I have the exact same problem. Well, not the water bottle thing, the disasters in the kitchen thing. Your version of My Way is hysterical.

Brighton Pensioner said...

I don't think there's much else to say, is there? Except I'm glad I don't go to Tesco your way!

Sarah said...

Glad it made you laugh Stacy :-)

The hot water bottle thing probabyl is a niche thing Karen ...

Haha, not sure I'll be going to Tesco any way for a while BP ...

Unknown said...

So... I know that word you won't admit to, but I won't tell. ;) I heard waterfall icing is in on layer cakes, so no embarrassment there.

Loved your version of My Way.

And just for clarification, it is not penii - it's penises. LOL

Sarah said...

Haha, thanks Robin :-)

Holly Hollyson @ Full of Beans and Sausages said...

Of course the duck cake was intentional!! I can't ice either :p Ignoring how hilarious your story was and how much it made me love you...I was only saying at Christmas that dressing gowns should have zips, I can NEVER find the cord for mine!

Sarah said...

Yeeees Holly, the duck thing WAS intentional ... I KNOW, why don't ALL dressing gowns have zips, it seems obvious to me but I'm not sure I've ever seen another one that has xx

http://sparklyjenn.blogspot.com/ said...

So you lied....you said you weren't the clever one but this post says different 😉

And you definitely did it your way!

Sarah said...

Haha, thanks Jenn :-)