I'm going to do something I've never done before with this post.
I'm going to SCHEDULE it!!!
I'm actually going to schedule it for 11:43 today because I'm far too impatient to wait for more than an hour.
The reason why I'm scheduling it will become clear later this month and I hope to god it work because otherwise I'm stuffed ...
Anyway, yesterday SD took me out for the day and he took me to Poundstretchers - I know, I am TOTALLY spoilt!
Actually, Poundstretchers has been a bit of a revelation to me, It's like Poundland and Liddl, seriously, don't turn your nose up until you've tried them.
So anyway, there we were in Poundstretcher buying Dentifrice au Flour for Renforce les dents and Gout Tres Frais which is basically toothpaste which you can also grout your bathroom with as well if my translation is correct at 50 frikken pence for a 100ml tube (that's for Colgate peeps!) and I'd thought I was getting a good deal buying it in Poundland where it's only ... well, It's a POUND isn't it!
Now please don't tell me that you've never picked something up in Poundland and asked how much it is because seriously, I WILL NOT believe you ...
Poundstretchers sell everything and I mean EVERYTHING! You can actually buy TINNED HAM in there, I didn't even know that tinned ham had been produced since the 70's and I seriously considered buying some as a homage to my childhood.
They also sell stuffing.
Now as the title of this post suggests, I like me a bit of stuffing.
Yesterday they seemed to have had a shift around with the stock and so SD and I took one side of an aisle each as we scanned the shelves for that elusive sage and onion mix.
The aisles in Poundstretcher are fairly narrow. SD and I collectively aren't particularly deep (I did debate if that should be wide but concluded that that would only matter if we faced up and down the aisle in which case I would take up several more inches than SD with his snake like hips) but back to back even our our respectively shallow buttocks were definitely grazing each other.
Suddenly there was this NOISE - I was going to go for an analogy here - you know, the noise was like a ... well, whatever ...
The noise was in fact exactly what it sounded like.
A HUGE fart - seriously, someone let rip like a like a lit match had just be thrown into a box of live fireworks (kudos for analogy please ...) the shock of it sent me head first into a stack of chicken and mushroom pot noodles while SD whipped round looking at me accusingly.
IT WASN'T BLOODY ME UNLESS I'VE SOMEHOW LEARNED TO PROJECT MY WIND TO THE FAR END OF THE AISLE thankyoverymuch!!
We both looked to the far end of the aisle where a solitary elderly TINY man dressed in beige stood totally unconcerned and apparently oblivious as he perused the Frey Bentos pies.
Could it have been him? Was he totally unaware of the five gun salute that had just emanated from his backside? Was he perhaps deaf and had assumed it was a SILENT fart and no one would notice? Were his buttocks not still vibrating from the force of so much wind blasting past them?
How the hell had such a tiny man produced such a explosive sound or, had he in fact DEFLATED after expelling such a vast quantity of gas ... Had he been a much LARGER man before the fart and was he like one of those vacuum packs that butchers put meat in which shrink as you extract the air ...
AND, if he was - what would happen if he farted again, would he actually be sucked, beige mac and all up his own anus???
These questions (and many others) were left unanswered as SD and I mutually (and silently) shuffled sideways up the aisle until we could make our escape and head for a restorative coffee.
By the way, much as it pains me to admit it SD was right ...
He was right that I shouldn't wear my slippers in the garden ...
I don't think I'd ever even owned a pair of slippers before I stole SD's (which I then owned and they were technically slipper sock type things anyway) and ruined them by wearing them in the garden ..
Anyway, to cut a long story short - wore mine in the garden - they got wet - now they stink (which is EXACTLY what SD said would happen!) and I think I'm going to have to bin mine and steal his again ...
Also - Big D just phoned me, the conversation went something like this:
Me: Hello - hello - hello ...
Big D: Why did you say hello 3 times?
Me: Because it took you ages to answer
Big D: I didn't answer, I called you remember?
Me: I mean it took you ages to answer when I said hello
Big D: You're weird
Me: If I am I got it from my children
Big D: You don't get things from your children, THEY get things from you
Me: That's blatantly untrue - every single one of my children has given me nits at some point!
Big D: Bye then ...