fudge

Tuesday, 7 February 2012

Confessions Of A Sock Slut

You know when you think you really KNOW someone?

When you just know that you're going to be besties FOREVER and EVER and tell them everything and buff each others toenails and go for bikini wax's together and, even when you're REALLY old, you'll still go car booting together and knit each other monogrammed doilies for Christmas?

And then they go and do something that makes you wonder if they really know you AT ALL???

Yes - I'm talking about YOU girlies over at The Lounge!! (hosted this week by Rachel at The Very Inappropriate Blog).

This week is 'Simply The Best' week and you're supposed to link up your best ever post ....

Don't they KNOW that I'm master, mistress AND slave to the indecision???

I haven't got a bloody CLUE what my best post is!!!  And I have toothache - which possibly isn't really a significant factor but it doesn't bloody help either does it??

Anyway, you're getting this one which may or may not be my best ever post (and contains no reference to dead, randy or even bad tempered animals ... or shit ...  - some of my best posts are shit related - theme for next week perhaps .....?).

So here it is:

My Name Is Sarah And I Am A Sock Slut ....



How long does it take to buy a pair of socks?

I reckon .........   about 4 minutes?

Pop into Primark, pick up 7 pairs of black cotton rich socks for 2 quid and it's a done deal.

I'm a 'buy it in bulk, buy it in black' kinda girl.


I've hinted before that as far as I'm concerned socks are communal property, I will happily steal your socks and claim them as my own if you are foolish enough to leave them lying around.

Let's face it, pairing up socks is on a par with ...  I don't know ... ironing tea towels maybe??

Why would you? *

Cheap is also the way to go as far as I'm concerned. **

Anyone that's seen Master Mac prehensile toenails will understand where I'm coming from.

Seriously, that boy has full on CLAWS !!  He goes through socks like (for some reason I want to say 'a nun with the trots' ...  must be the latent poet in me ;)

Anyway, 3 weeks ago (please note that I mention the fact that it was 3 weeks ago for VERY good reasons which will become apparent)  Surfer Dude and I were partaking of a grande latte in Neros and I noticed this gentleman sitting opposite us with the longest feet I've ever been privileged enough to come across.  They were seriously like canoes!

Of course I whipped out my phone to take a photo to show you but Surfer Dude wrestled it off me muttering things like 'invasion of privacy', 'inapropriate' and, rather oddly I though, 'copywrite'.

A very ungentlemanly struggled enchewed as I bleated, 'but what about my readers, think of my readers dammit' (I may have even bitten him at one point).

Sadly, being male and (only just!) the stronger of the two, he won so no pic I'm afraid :(

After I'd been consoled with a super expensive slab of fair trade tiffin (oh yes, I CAN be bought;) the conversation moved to socks and it transpired that Surfer Dude was in need.

I've mentioned that he works in a school.  Well, he mostly teaches PE to kids from disadvantaged backgrounds and ones who struggle to fit into mainstream school (not all fit into both categories btw).  So, given that it seems finding the right socks is very important (it's the PE bit here that's significant in case you were wondering).

In fact, it's almost bloody impossible!!!

Do you know, he wouldn't even go into Primark!!!

I may be a sock slut but he's even worse, he's a

SOCK SNOB!!!

We have trawled shops in four counties over the past three weeks, perusing, examining thread count, rubbing soles and toes between our fingers, looking at each other knowledgeably before saying, 'hmmmm' and discarding***.

We have considered and cogitated, discussed and dismissed.

The only thing we haven't done is sprinkled the bloody things with salt and pepper and eaten them with a knife and fork!!!

I shit you NOT.

Did you for instance know that you can get sock with silver technology? 

F*ck knows what that means but you can.

You can get atmospherically sensitive socks, socks with aloe vera to soothe those tired feet, super absorbent socks (that is kind of ewww don't you think?), socks with gel inserts, easy grip cuffs, socks that tell the time and even ones that nibble away at those prehensile toenails as you walk ****


So, tonight when we popped into Sainsburys to buy some peppermint tea and I caught Surfer Dude once again soulfully stroking the sock collection something in me snapped, this red mist descended and I marched up to him, grabbed the socks out of his hand and strode towards the till with him bleating in my wake 'but ... but ...'.

I stopped and turned and, -  bringing my face very close to his, I said in an apparently VERY loud and carrying voice an authoritative voice:

'Sufer Dude, you are buying these fucking socks ok now do NOT make me bite you again'.

We bought the socks.


(I am please to say that I am now the proud owner of 5 new pairs of socks .... :)


* Please note, that is a rhetorical question!

** cheap cotton rich  - NOT cheap nylon, I do have some standards ...

*** I truthfully didn't give a shit and would have bought any or all of them.

**** I may have made the last couple up ....

12 comments:

The Lake House Writer said...

he he! I am so not a fussy sock person.... my ex was. he only wore one particular type in two colours....

I wanted to send you a personal email but can't find a link to email you- maybe you can email me thelakehousewriter@hotmail.com

Katische

Adam said...

Love the latent poetry...:D

Sarah Mac said...

Men are just plain weird sometimes LHW - I will put an email link on my blog when I work out how - meanwhile, email on the way :)

Thanks Adam, I am somewhat secretly (and sadly) proud ;)

joeh said...

I can buy that sock in...3 minutes.

Did you stop by and pick up your blog award?

Cranky Old Man

Sarah Mac said...

I'll buy it in two!! (damn you for showing up my age ;) - I did pop by and thank you so much, I am chuffed to bits :))

MultipleMum said...

You crack me up! I want to see those giant feet (he could give Ian Thorpe a run for his money, um, swim for his money?). I get Surfer Dude and the socks though. The Geege owns a camping store and sells a HUGE range of fab socks. I have tried many and I definitely have favourites! I hope you like your new socks x

Shell Louise said...

I read all your posts in my inbox and have only just come to the realisation that I never click to open the post and comment.
This post made me laugh out loud and I had to come and say that even though I haven't been a regular commentor, I am a regular reader and very much look forward to your posts dropping into my inbox :)

Kelloggsville said...

Took me 18 months to find the right pair of red socks. I think you rushed it, you will probably have sock regret in a few weeks *shakes head sadly *

Sarah Mac said...

MM, if only I COULD show you!! Next time I'll bite Surfer Dude harder ;) Love my new socks btw.

Thank you Shell Louise - it's great to know you read even if you don't always comment and thank you for letting me know :)

I shall have no regrets K, a sock slut really doesn't care that much as long as she has two :) As for Surfer Dude .... he shall sock shop alone from now on (actually, that might be HIS suggestion ... ;)

Meg said...

Striped toe socks rock!! Just so ya know. I am certain you would like them.

Sarah Mac said...

Haha, I remember toe sock the FIRST time round Meg ;)

Adam Ransom said...

http://www.cbc.ca/news/yourcommunity/2012/09/microchipped-smart-socks-can-be-sorted-with-iphone-app.html

Saw this and thought of you!