Friday, 9 May 2014

I Used To Be Funny - 2nd Edition

I offered to do some washing for SD the other day.

You know, just chuck a few things in with a load I was doing, not a full on 'bring me your unwashed grundies and I'll sit on the river bank pounding them on a stone to show how much I love you kind of thing'.

He looked at me as though I'd gone totally mad - in fact, he may have actually said ' Sarah, have you gone totally MAD???'

Have I ever mentioned that SD can be a little anal particular about his clothes?  Seriously.  To look at you wouldn't necessarily spot it at first glance.  He tends to dress like he's just rocked up from some sunny beach in California with his shorts and long blond hair but, while he's not a labels person he IS very much a vintage person and he takes great care of his clothes.

He thinks that A. I think my washing machine only has one setting - not true, I KNOW it has loads but the 40 degree express wash does me just fine THANKYOUVERYMUCH!

And B. that I don't know what an iron is for (or where it is) - ALSO not true - the iron was put to very good use sometime ago when Miss Macs homework got crumpled and it is .... Ummm, well I had it the other week when I mistook it for the electric whisk (bit hungover at the time to be honest ...) and tried to insert the beaters into it and now its ....  Well, it's SOMEWHERE ok and I COULD find it if I wanted to - which I don't!

Anyway, I wasn't offering to IRON his blood clothes WAS I so that was a completely pointless thing to point out anyway!

So I don't want to do his washing now which serves him right!

But it reminded me of a post I wrote a while ago which I think possibly serves to prove how anal particular he is regarding clothes in a totally (IMO) anal over the top way and so I'm re-posting it as the second edition of:

I Used To Be Funny.

Confessions of a Sock Slut

My Name Is Sarah And I Am A Sock Slut ....

How long does it take to buy a pair of socks?

I reckon .........   about 4 minutes?

Pop into Primark, pick up 7 pairs of black cotton rich socks for 2 quid and it's a done deal.

I'm a 'buy it in bulk, buy it in black' kinda girl.

I've hinted before that as far as I'm concerned socks are communal property, I will happily steal your socks and claim them as my own if you are foolish enough to leave them lying around.

Let's face it, pairing up socks is on a par with ...  I don't know ... ironing tea towels maybe??

Why would you? *

Cheap is also the way to go as far as I'm concerned. **

Anyone that's seen Master Mac prehensile toenails will understand where I'm coming from.

Seriously, that boy has full on CLAWS !!  He goes through socks like (for some reason I want to say 'a nun with the trots' ...  must be the latent poet in me ;)

Anyway, 3 weeks ago (please note that I mention the fact that it was 3 weeks ago for VERY good reasons which will become apparent)  Surfer Dude and I were partaking of a grande latte in Neros and I noticed this gentleman sitting opposite us with the longest feet I've ever been privileged enough to come across.  They were seriously like canoes!

Of course I whipped out my phone to take a photo to show you but Surfer Dude wrestled it off me muttering things like 'invasion of privacy', 'inapropriate' and, rather oddly I though, 'copywrite'.

A very ungentlemanly struggled enchewed as I bleated, 'but what about my readers, think of my readers dammit' (I may have even bitten him at one point).

Sadly, being male and (only just!) the stronger of the two, he won so no pic I'm afraid :(

After I'd been consoled with a super expensive slab of fair trade tiffin (oh yes, I CAN be bought;) the conversation moved to socks and it transpired that Surfer Dude was in need.

I've mentioned that he works in a school.  Well, he mostly teaches PE to kids from disadvantaged backgrounds and ones who struggle to fit into mainstream school (not all fit into both categories btw).  So, given that it seems finding the right socks is very important (it's the PE bit here that's significant in case you were wondering).

In fact, it's almost bloody impossible!!!

Do you know, he wouldn't even go into Primark!!!

I may be a sock slut but he's even worse, he's a


We have trawled shops in four counties over the past three weeks, perusing, examining thread count, rubbing soles and toes between our fingers, looking at each other knowledgeably before saying, 'hmmmm' and discarding***.

We have considered and cogitated, discussed and dismissed.

The only thing we haven't done is sprinkled the bloody things with salt and pepper and eaten them with a knife and fork!!!

I shit you NOT.

Did you for instance know that you can get sock with silver technology?

F*ck knows what that means but you can.

You can get atmospherically sensitive socks, socks with aloe vera to soothe those tired feet, super absorbent socks (that is kind of ewww don't you think?), socks with gel inserts, easy grip cuffs, socks that tell the time and even ones that nibble away at those prehensile toenails as you walk ****

So, tonight when we popped into Sainsburys to buy some peppermint tea and I caught Surfer Dude once again soulfully stroking the sock collection something in me snapped, this red mist descended and I marched up to him, grabbed the socks out of his hand and strode towards the till with him bleating in my wake 'but ... but ...'.

I stopped and turned and, -  bringing my face very close to his, I said in an apparently VERY loud and carrying voice an authoritative voice:

'Sufer Dude, you are buying these fucking socks ok now do NOT make me bite you again'.

We bought the socks.

(I am please to say that I am now the proud owner of 5 new pairs of socks .... :)

* Please note, that is a rhetorical question!

** cheap cotton rich  - NOT cheap nylon, I do have some standards ...

*** I truthfully didn't give a shit and would have bought any or all of them.

**** I may have made the last couple up ....


joeh said...

I think this may have been the post that had me follow.

Beth said...

Great post! :-)

Roan said...

Used to be? I beg to differ. You are laugh out loud funny!

Jim said...

Good one. :)

Sarah said...

Thanks all - I wonder if it was Joe :-)

Thanks Beth and Jim :-)

Shucks Roan, thank you :-)