Tuesday, 13 May 2014

I Used To Be Funny (part 4)

Linking up with Kylie at A Study in Contradictions who is guest hosting The Lounge this week.

I AM the party queen YO!

On Saturday night I was like one of those social butterflies of yore ...  lets pause for a moment here while we consider the word yore - yet another one of those great but much underused words ...

I managed to attend not one, not even two but THREE parties all in one night!

I flitted from one to t'other like one of the Hollywood greats or Coco Chanel or Princess Grace of Monaco or something leaving my social seal of approval  and hair in the food (I shed a little ok?).

Actually,  I may have found a cure for that.

Enamel paint!

Last Thursday was one of those 'Sarah helps SD' days.

Really, SD is so VERY lucky to have me!

Anyway, with the promise that it was going to be a beautiful day and I could spend the day in the country in shorts and a tee shirt topping up my non existent tan I agreed to help SD with a few jobs over at the farm.

It was NOT a beautiful day - I wore orange overalls and I did not get a tan!

Something strange happens to me when SD makes me don those overalls.  I swagger about with my hands in my pockets like Compo from Last of the Summer Wine fighting the urge to kick the heads of dandelions and set fire to things with a magnifying glass shouting 'Eh Oop SD, thas got a mighty fine goat theeere - lets dress her oop and ride her through the village'.

Hmmm, moving swiftly on ...

I may not have got a tan but I did manage to enamel the ends of my hair whilst hanging upside down painting the floor pan of the beach buggy.

It's an interesting look and not one I'd necessarily recommend - it appears to be impervious to washing or brushing and I may yet resort to cutting out the last few bits.

I'm getting very excited about the buggy now.  It's insured and MOT'd and ready to roll well,  other than the fact that the seats are out, the steering wheels off and the gear lever's been removed ...

But apart from that, y'know, you COULD go for a spin in it!

Second coat of paint went on yesterday afternoon and despite following instructions and wearing a hat this time I STILL managed to get more paint in my hair

Anyway, back to Saturday night.

The first port of call was at a friends 40th Birthday party - When J sent out the invite he said it was going to be catered by 'Tasteful Tapas' I've had their food before at a party a couple of months ago and it's great but I'm not really sold on that name.  I asked what SD thought of it and he said 'Anything with ass in it's name gets my vote' (all of which you would already know if you liked Fudges FB page which I keep forgetting to promote BUT I AM NOW - just look for People Don't etc ...  ;).

Anyhow, TT's had somehow been double booked so J decided to cook great vats of curry for the hoards instead and it smelt fantastic but I couldn't partake as I was off to Party Two!

The lovely L's (and my soon to be daughter in law) hen night.

I'm sorry, but there is something seriously wrong with me being Mother of the Groom.

I'm just not nearly grown up enough yet - they might make me where a fascinator or peep toe shoes or a shawl or something!

SD's mum asked me what I was going to wear the other day and then went on to describe the outfit that a MotG had worn to a wedding she'd been to - spaghetti straps showing her shoulders and half her chest and several inches above the knee - totally unsuitable, she looked like a TART!

SD sniggered, 'you've just described most of Sarah's dresses Mum' - 'Yes, but SHE looked like a TART'' - 'That's the kind of thing Sarah wears ...' 'Yes but she worn it to her sons wedding and she looked like a TART!' - 'Sounds like the sort of dresses Sarah's been looking at ....'

Oh God ...  Maybe I'll just wear the overalls ....

And I just know I'm going to say something wildly inappropriate to the father of the bride - at one of my best friends weddings I confidentially told her brand new Father in Law about how she and her new husband met when they were both completely rat arsed at a night club and trollop that she was she went home with him and then had to stay the whole weekend because she didn't have any spare knickers with her and ... well anyway - the point is - I just KNOW I'm going to do or say SOMETHING that will brand me forever as that slightly mad woman that poor L is going to be stuck with for the rest of her life :(.  Either that or I'll spill food down my front or fall over or belch really loudly during the speeches ....)

Anyhow, enough, I have to remember that this is not all about me ....

Lets get back to ME :)))

Once the meal was over (and very nice it was too) and I almost managed not to to say anything too embarrassing (well, other than recounting the story about my time on the dating website where I got asked out by a yoof younger than my cat but that was ok because one of the other guests told everyone to shout PENIS while she took a photo and someone at the end of the table retorted  'No, it's not long enough - lets all go with BLOW JOB which left me with a bit of a dilemma having been brought up never to talk with my mouth full).

I declined the kind invitation to continue the party at the lovely L's house as I'd arranged to meet SD and a group of friends in the pub for party no 3.

SD was inordinately pleased to see me and greeted me with an almighty curry fuelled burp RIGHT IN MY FACE!!!

He was completely off his face and being stalked by a woman with straggly hair and bad make up and held me in front of him like some kind of human shield to ward her off.

Id forgotten that I was still wearing my flashing hen party badge and when someone asked me who was getting married SD shouted WE ARE - Sarah's upgrading herself to Mrs SD - I have to say that the prospect of being shackled to him at that precise moment  wasn't really floating my boat!

Somehow I survived the rest of the evening sedately sipping my lime and soda - oh yes, I was staying sober for this one, it was SD's turn to be the 'date from hell' - I'm a sharing kind of person :)

I dragged him home, attempted of get him to drink a couple of pints of water which he refused AND, peering owlishly at me, he said (in a voice which I THINK he thought was seductive) 'Play your cards right and you might get a good seeing to tonight'.


Brighton Pensioner said...

I'm glad it all turned out well for you (I think?)

Sarah said...

Ha ha, I'm not sure either BP but it was and 'interesting' evening!

ann said...

I absolutely adore your blog and I am so glad to have discovered it!!

Sarah said...

Thank you Ann, so glad you popped by :-)