Linking up with Maxabella for the Weekend Rewind.
I KNOW, it's scary though and obviously not something you'd do on purpose but it COULD happen couldn't it?
It's one of the many things I worry about so I was thinking, just in case I should probably give you some kind of survival guide, a kind of list of do's and don't.
Clearly if you DO morph into me you will lose this list or draw on it or eat it or something so read it now it could be your only hope!
Firstly, if like me last Friday you decide to combine a little sunbathing with a bit of fence painting these are the things you need to bear in mind.
1. Check bikini status BEFORE turning around when you hear a noise and confront your neighbour semis naked when they open a top floor window.
2. Make the effort to dig the step ladder out of the back of the shed rather than balancing precariously on a dining chair which you have straddled over a couple of fencing posts left over from other gardening projects and which sit under the bit of wood that runs from the front legs to the back to give the chair strength otherwise it will wobble every time you move and results in you doing a weird kind of painty pole dancing thing as you cling on to the washing line.
3. Be prepared! To this end I suggest looking under the kitchen sink for an old toothbrush for when you paint over snails. Snails don't seem to object to being painted and they also seem to enjoy a little one on one action with a toothbrush and a hose if you DO accidentally paint them (to be honest, it's a little hard to determine what a snail either object to or enjoys but I'm going to run with this anyway). Of course you might like the effect of painted snails on your fence in which case leave to dry for the gastropod pebble dash effect.
4. Maintain a blase WTF do you THINK I'm doing when your neighbour who recently saw you semi naked spots you cleaning snails wonders WTF you are doing with a row of dark brown snails, a toothbrush and a hose pipe. Do NOT try to explain - your neighbour is already traumatised and may find this difficult to process.
4. Also, try to avoid painting spiders, bugs, ants and cats as I've discovered that none of these stay still long enough for the paint to dry and give a pleasing effect.
Secondly - surviving in the wild .
I am something like a Girl Guide crossed with Bear Grylls really and I've got LOADS of useful tips on surviving in the wild (more commonly known as the English Countryside). By the way, did you know that Taunton has been voted the third happiest place to live in the UK? I KNOW, obviously I'm claiming SOME credit for that -well who wouldn't be happy having me as a neighbour???
Anyway, when I'm not in town I can often be found in the wild and I've picked up one or two useful tips along the way.
1. That stuff that looks like mud? DON'T TRUST IT!! (seriously tempted to leave it like that because it makes perfect sense on it's own don't you think?). But, in the interests of your survival while you are me I shall expand:
Cow shit forms a CRUST - now this crust is indeterminable from mud. You cant rely on smell because EVERYTHING in the country smells of cow shit.
DO NOT WALK ON THE MUD!!!
However, if like me you are overcome by shiny stuff and set off across a field to take the perfect photo then FFS take the long way around the edge of the field and especially avoid areas where cows are fed.
One second you may be walking across what seems like a perfectly solid piece of ground and the next you break through the crust and sink into 12" of cow shit!
If this DOES happen to you then remember this simple rule that could save your life:
Stand very still and SCREAM LIKE A GIRL until someone rescues you.
As an aside - I'm also adding tractor driver to my CV along with sheep wrangler, goat whisperer and bull baiter because I am now a FULLY FLEDGED tractor driver (I drove across an open field for a full 3 minutes and didn't hit ANYTHING which as far as I'm concerned qualifies me!).
2. Don't trust cows (just trust ME on that one - I know what I'm talking about).
3. Don't ride goats or sheep even accidentally ( but in some circumstances it may be permissible to ride cows as long as they don't object).
Well, I'm tired now but obviously I haven't covered EVERYTHING in this post so I suggest you just stick to fence painting and forays into the wild for now if you do suddenly find yourself being me. Anything else you do at your own risk and I'm afraid I can accept no liability for injury sustained, neighbours traumatised or legal action taken against you.
If you do have any questions or concerns then please let me know, I have an answer for most things ;-).