I Used To Be Funny (part one)

Linking up with Maxabella for the Weekend Rewind.

I was re-reading a few old blog posts that I'd put into draft this morning and sniggering to myself (because you know, I used to be funny) so I thought I'd start a ...

BRAND NEW SERIES!!

It may well go the way of all my previous brilliant ideas ie nowhere and I did ask a friend for inspiration when I was trying to decide which post to choose but he was no help at all (I suspect he can't remember any of them!) so I'm going to start it off with this post entitled:

Exposing Myself To The Neighbours (AGAIN).

There's nothing worse than thinking the hamster's dead and then discovering the hamster is indeed dead!

This morning I discovered Figgy in his wheel.  the wheel is sealed and fits to the rotostack with entry by means of a tube.  How the fuck are you supposed to get a dead hamster out of THAT?

It's pretty hard to tell if a hamster is dead or just sleeping so I span the wheel a bit just to check.  A live hamster probably would have woken up rather than just thudding around (in a solid fat hamster kind of way ...).

The only solution seemed to bury poor Figgy in his wheel which is kind of gross as it's not biodegradable so next year Id probably be accidentally digging up his decomposed remains in a bright yellow plastic coffin.

Anyhow, turns out Figgy isn't dead after all, phew!

This is supposed to be a post about my frankly hilarious (judge for yourselves and then lie and tell me I'm right ;) and completely ignored Twitter tweets (seems there should be a better way of putting that).  I re posted a couple on FB because, well because I require the adulation and gratification which was sadly lacking in Twitter land. For good measure I may throw in a couple of FB status updates that didn't make it as far as Twitter and maybe just one or two random thoughts that ought to really just stay in my head.

So to start you off, here are the tweets that the twits ignored ...

'Hormones may turn me into a complete bitch at times but boy they get the house clean! (and, if I don't want to clean it, I just break it')

'Arse, gloss paint - elbow, emulsion - yes doubters, I KNOW the difference! '

'Without GHD's my hair would probably qualify for it's own postcode! ' (this one had previously appeared on FB but given the state of my hair on that day was worthy of a rerun)

'just looked in the mirror - it gonna be another day of relying heavily on personality and mouthwash - mostly mouthwash to be fair ... '

'these kittens are generating enough shit to rival the magic porridge pot! ' (an analogy I may have previously used to describe housework!)

'contemplating doing away with dust sheets altogether and just glossing the damned carpet! '

'Well, my arse appears to have gone to sleep - it's a start! '

'the paint's going on so much better since I remembered I'd put clingfilm around the brush last night ....'

'my plan to be dynamic this morning fell at the first post - or to be more precise - the bed post! '

 'I always used to tell my ex husband he was a funny f*cker - he never realised I was laughing at him not with him' (he'd been pissing me off ok - I don't normally take pot shots ;)

'put up a curtain rail without help (and it hasn't fallen down) - did I just make men redundant! '

'When people say 'Like a Vodka?' I find the superfluous question mark confusing! ' (posted to much better affect on FB, the ensuing conversation ending with the statement: It's now 9:20 and I'm motherfuckin' perfectly capable I speech (although I have this strange desire to fight everyone in the bar.... ;-))  - thank you for that SA ;)

I wrote 'knob' on my 'to do' list yesterday - did I wanted to buy one or just make a statement? I'm really not sure ...

SD - 'you wanna keep this?' - Me - 'Dunno SD, you think I SHOULD start a collection of hamster shit?' 

I'm sorry but what the bloody hell did he think this was???

Slightly bemused to discover I own a scrubbing brush - damn sure I didn't buy it!

My dress is NOT MoFo obscene - looksee- I took a photo before I went out - there's nuthin to be seen (Ah, I WAS rather drunk at this point and misheard - what she actually said was 'that dress is a DREAM'!)

but, if she had she might have had a point so you can understand my confusion ;-)

'The plus side of finding the remains of 7 year old wedding cake is that I also found the missing knife from my Sabtier knife set' ( yes, I do have a photo of the remains of the cake - no, I wont inflict it on you and nooo, I didn't consider eating it ;)

'Love the way my predictive text (based on words I commonly use) replaced decking with fecking!' (umm, what can I say ...)

'Hello neighbour - why yes, I AM painting the ceiling in my underwear' (see post title - and yes, I also have a picture of that which I wont inflict on you!)

'I either need taller friends (or short friends with muscly arms and a step ladder)'  (also posted on FB with further updates including 'a short friend with a stepladder and muscly arms would do really ...' and 'Or a short friend with a pogo stick and a swimming cap at a push ....' pretty universally ignored on Twitter AND FB)

So, that was Twitter, If you feel I'd brighten up your feed in any way then feel free to follow me @sarahmac_1. It's not compulsory and I can only promise more of the same crap.

Facebook, well, a few things didn't make it on to Twitter, so what's my FB been looking like lately?

‎'I've had a cat up to 22 mph' - not a phrase you here every day ... ' (a rather bizarre conversation with SD which I wont elaborate on!)

'I do like a bit of variety in my life so I'd like to thank Gus for affording me the opportunity to have a change from clearing out the cat's litter tray ... by puking all over the floor!' (nuff said!!)

'I may just go and lay face down on the decking until someone brings me stuff ...' (I did, they didn't!)

'Finally the pink has gone - let the (inspirational) madness commence...' (after 3 coats of white) The response I got to that?  'I know - why don't you paint it pink...... ;-)' - thank you SA - truly fucking inspired!! ;-)

And, in other news:

Big D and the Lovely L got engaged!!!  I am so pleased for them, they make a great couple and as my slightly odd friend Sue once said - 'Oh goody, an opportunity to wear a frantiniser' ;-)

Anyway, I promise never to force feed you my (self proclaimed)  funnies again I just had an urge and I find it best to give in to my urges ;-)*

*that is clearly a lie btw - obviously I WILL!