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Friday, 4 September 2015

Oh The Irony (from the view point of one who does NOT iron ...)

Ok, so I know I SHOULD really be writing a post about my holiday and I WILL - I promise but I just HAD to tell you this first!!!

My new neighbour - did I tell you I had new neighbours???

I don't think I did ...

Well ... Digressing just a little ...

Duncan, bought the house with his friend Chinny from Sheila about 6 years ago (who had lived there FOREVER) and filled the house with gorgeous musclebound young men (Duncan that is - not Sheila).  NOT that I particularly noticed the gorgeous musclebound young men of course and in fact I hardly saw them at all except when accidentally balancing with one foot on Miss Macs pillow and the other on her dressing table to peer through her bedroom window I barely saw them at all when they sat half naked in the garden sunbathing ...

Anyway!

Then Duncan went on holiday to Mexico and met a lovely girl - bought out Chinny - filled the house with yet MORE gorgeous musclebound young men while living in another house with his lovely girlfriend and then earlier this year decided to sell up and buy a bigger house for his now expanding family.

SO ...  FLEAS!!!

Remember I told you that we had a HUGE slight problem with fleas this year that was costing me a fortune in both time and money and I was seriously considering shaving all the animals (and the carpets) in my quest to rid the house of the little fuckers?

Well, so far I have forked out the best part of 100 quid on flea treatment for cats and dogs and chemical warfare for the house.  I have trawled the net for natural killers and doused my house with salt, cider vinegar and chinchilla dust ...

Yes, I DID say chinchilla dust!!

I was assured that this stuff made from ground up dinosaurs bones or something was harmless to pets and humans but was sharp enough to slice the pesky fleas into ribbons while the salt would dehydrate them and they hate the smell and taste of cider vinegar so much that they would be packing their little suitcases and vacating the premises forthwith!

For two weeks before going on holiday (post coming soon!) I skipped through the house broadcasting salt and chinchilla dust at the midnight hour with gay abandon and lovingly rubbed cider vinegar on to chair and table legs and spending HOURS each day trying to vacuum up the resulting mess as I whisked around the house with my faithful Henry in a cloud of dust and salt.

During this time my new neighbours moved in.

Of COURSE I should have been on their doorstep bearing pots of homemade chutney and little packs of sugar stolen from Starbucks but to be honest, I was too damned BUSY to really give them any thought and anyway, my hair was full of salt and chinchilla dust and looked like one of those nylon scrubby things they put in a Body Shop gift set which nobody likes because they take off a layer of skin and personally, I think they just put them in there to take up space and save them giving you something really useful.  And I was spending most of my time dripping with sweat as I heaved furniture around and then there was the constant. mindless scratching even though I didn't get a SINGLE flea bite ...

Anyway, then we packed the animals off to holiday camp, salted and dusted (that is throwing dust around NOT actual dusting ...) sprayed the kitchen floor with vinegar and set off for Cornwall for a week and bloody hell, did I NEED that break!

So, obviously on our return SD walked into the front room and immediately looked like THIS:

Image Credit

As a million half starved fleas launched themselves at him desperate to get at his fresh young(ish) blood.

And so we started again ...

And STILL my neighbours received no chutney*

ANYWAY!!

Back to the point of this post.

Have you ever considered that when someone doesn't actually know you then you can be ANYBODY you like!!!

I KNOW!  I hadn't really given it much thought as far as my neighbours go.

I mean, I've always been the one who wears long tops and calls them dresses.  I've always been the one who accidentally exposes themselves.  I've always been the one who gets caught cleaning snails with a toothbrush and the hosepipe and I've ALWAYS been the one who talks to themself, stands in the rubbish bin holding bags of cat shit, wanders the street carrying a large roll of carpet and tinfoil on New Years Eve.

I've always been THAT person.

BUT NO MORE!!!

My new neighbours think I'm a clean freak!!!

I know - the irony - talking of which, SD actually bought me an ironing board this Summer because mine had mildew ...

I haven't actually USED it yet of course but I WILL (probably) as soon as I find my iron ...

Apparently all they hear from my house is the sound of furniture being moved and the vacuum cleaner.  The see line upon line of washing including rugs and cushion covers blowing in the breeze.  They see me drag out smaller bits of furniture to wash on the decking ...

AND THEY THINK IT'S WHO I AM!!!

I know they think this because I overheard the daughter talking to someone on the phone when I was in the garden and she was in hers not knowing I was there.

I heard her talking about the mad woman  who lives next door (some things remain the same ...) who is constantly cleaning and how her Mum feels a little intimidated because she was hoping there would be someone she could make friends with (they are new to the area) and have coffee and cake and talk about The Real Housewives Of Cheshire with and I wanted to jump over the fence there and then and shout:

THAT'S ME - I AM THAT PERSON - LEAD ME TO THE CAKE!!

But I didn't want to scare her ...

So, for now I'm revelling in briefly being that clean freak person but I think the lure of cake will soon have me revealing my TRUE identity.

I hope she likes the real me ...

*I never have, and probably never will make chutney ...


7 comments:

Brighton Pensioner said...

Thank you, Sarah, for giving me a smile on a day when I've not much to smile about as I'm shortly going to the funeral of a very good friend.

Sarah said...

I'm so glad I made you smile BP and so sorry to hear about your friend. I hope the sun is shining for you all today as you say your goodbyes.

Mike @ A Bit About Britain said...

You made me smile too. And have given me hope; deep down, I KNOW I'm not the beer-swilling grumpy old git people think I am...

joeh said...

That flea problem sounds like a nightmare!

And what is an iron? Is that one of those England things.

Sarah said...

Ha ha Mike - having read your blog some of us don't think that's who you are either!

It IS Joe but I think we may have cracked it! It's an age old English tradition to give your daughter an iron when she leaves home. Irons are often passed down from generation to generation. I'm not entirely sure what they are for - propping doors open perhaps? They have this bit that you can fill with water and when you plug it in it gets hot and if you push a button steaming hot limescale squirts out. It may be some medieval intruder repellent as well as a door stop. I'm not really sure but I can't wait to give mine to Miss Mac ...

Val said...

Heh, heh. Clean freak!

I lived in a house the summer after my college years that became infested with fleas from two of the roommates' Cocker Spaniels. Those fleas were after me like pretentious bores after caviar on toast points. We all set off flea bombs in our rooms and the common areas, and left the dogs outside. It seemed to work, after repeat treatments.

Nobody would have accused us of being clean freaks, what with the mushroom growing out of the bathroom carpet, the mold found on a glass of tea, and maggots making a home in the peanut butter. I'm shocked that I survived. I credit it to going straight to my room after work, and eating takeout for the summer.

Sarah said...

I know Val, that gave me a real belly laugh too! No one has EVER accused me of being a clean freak before and, to be fair, the neighbours haven't been in my house yet but I'm quite enjoying the superior glow for now ;-)