fudge

Wednesday, 25 January 2012

Am I REALLY Going To Tell You What I Weigh???

Well, yes actually, I AM!

Why?

Is it because I think you have a burning need to know?

Do I have a burning need to tell you?

Probably not and no I think are the correct answers so, here's why.

I have been writing an awful lot of crap lately.  True enough stuff but crap.

So crap in fact that I've deleted two posts in the last few days hoping that no one had actually had the chance to read them.  They were not what Fudge, what I am about!

I've also been filling my life with crap.

Looking for distractions. Trying not to stop and think. Filling my time with stuff that I don't really want and just isn't me.

I mean, I am not a serial dater.  Yes I like meeting people.  Yes I enjoy male company.  Yes I like to flirt, be found attractive and yes, I like to have fun.

But in my life I've had two long term relationships both lasting around 13 years each.  In between I've had a few less serious dalliances and ... well, one that for me was more so.

ANYWAY, my point being, I've kind of lost sight of who I am.  I've been bouncing around like a pinball on speed and I'm exhausted by it all.

I mentioned that I needed to put on some weight and today I had an appointment with a nutritionist.

My main problem is that my appetite is directly linked to my emotional well being.

If I'm not happy, I don't eat.

I haven't been happy for a while hence the frantic attempts to find distractions only my appetite isn't really fooled by that and my weight had taken quite a dramatic drop.

It's not healthy and it's not a good look.  It IS something I can get control of (with a little help).

So, today was about talking about the reasons as well as putting a plan into action.

I mentioned my blog to the nutritionist and she suggested I talk about it openly as weight issues are often something that fester in silence and talking about it could actually be the spur I need to keep focused.

So, ok, here goes.

I'm a shade under 6ft tall with a medium body frame and my weight today is: 65.5kg (that's around 10 stone 4 for those of us who still think in metric).

According to all the weight charts this doesn't make me underweight, just on the lower side of healthy.

But it's not all about weight charts, it's about how you feel, how you look, what's right for you and this, this is too light for me.

I'm all bones and angles and I've got room in my size 10 jeans.  My arse has all but gone (how I long for one of those beach ball type bums:) and my face looks hollow.

My saving grace is that I CAN see this, I know it's not good and I want to change it.

That means focusing on me for a bit.  Slowing down and smelling the roses.  Cutting out the distractions.  Finding myself again if you like (although I've always hated that expression).

I haven't been me for a while and the person I've tried to be just doesn't work.  I actually don't want to be that person and most of all, I don't want to be perceived as that person.

I'd hate for the people who know me to forget who I really am.

So, it's possible that I may not blog quite so much (but who knows;) but, what I'm hoping is that when I do it will be a return to the old Sarah who's been sitting quietly in the background waiting for the usurper to leave.

This isn't going to turn into some kind of weight monitoring/healthy eating type of blog, now THAT'S really not me ;)  but it might get the odd mention and I'm pretty sure that those damned 'things' will keep happening to me so I'll keep you updated.

Here's to me being me again :)

11 comments:

Lou said...

Definitely - here's to you being you!

My Mum will tell you that she has finally re found me after I fell into a rather large pit and couldn't get out for 15 years. My role was assumed by someone who looked like me, and on occasion acted like me but who had me safely locked away in the aforementioned pit.

Being free and being me again is wonderful, and cannot recommend it highly enough. Anything I can do to help you find yourself and let yourself out I will.

Perhaps we can parcel up the pounds I lose and ship them over to you to put on - that might work in a weirdly matrix-y kind of way...OK perhaps not - it was worth a try.

Love you
x

Kelloggsville said...

Does exercise make you hungry? I'm ravenous when I run regardless of mood. The other way is to takeon some calories in liquids. Nothing like a sweet drink (or hidden sugars) to knock up the intake without trying (ask a dieter). But the question is really are you ready to gain weight? Do you really want to or is this just a talk around justifying to yourself a low weight? I'm not sure if I should have said that or not, but I'm going to leave it here and hope you don't throw a keyboard at me. X

Sarah Mac said...

Thanks Lou, love you too :) Happy to take a few pounds off your .... whatever ;) but only if I get to choose where they get put on. x

To be honest K, nothing much makes me hungry - I am exercising more but that trigger seems to be switched off.

Don't worry, I won't throw anything at you :)

Anyway, it is a valid point. It's exactly the same as trying to lose weight. You can talk about it, convince yourself that you will do it (convince everyone else that you ARE doing it) and still carry on with the bad habits.

The truth is, I don't know. I'm still not in a very happy place and that's not likely to change in the near future but I am aware that not eating properly contributes to that as Im not physically particularly strong.

I'm hoping that following an eating plan mwhich is quite rigid (and eating 6 times a day!) will introduce a better habit.

Meg said...

Cheers to you regaining some of your health. I truly wish you all the best. I think it is amazing that you can see your problem and want to do something about it. Not everyone has that courage.

So here's to you, on your journey to gain a little weight and become Sarah all over again.

All the Best from Canada
Meg

danneromero said...

First step to a new beginning, fudge. Talk it out. You'll find yourself. You will.

B said...

Wow - this post is the Sarah I know!

It is so good you can see this for what it is... and that you are ready to face it.

Bless you hon,

Oh, and if you need someone to donate their beach ball bum - call me! Always happy to donate to a good cause!

B

Sarah Mac said...

Thank you Meg :) I think being forced to look honestly at my physical self by an expert was a bit of an eye opener for me. My weight has been considerably lower in the past and it has real health implications. It was as much a personal revelation as a physical one. Just like Lou, It feels like the real me had been temporarily taken over by someone who's not me at all.

I will danneromero with a lot more thinking before I speak. A little less noise, a little less frenetic activity and stop filling my time with superficial things that will never make me happy. Thank you for your kind words :)

I feel like I've let out a huge breath that I've been holding for far too long B. Everythings not ok but at least I can start to deal with it rather than covering it up.

Very happy to accept all donations ;) straight on I look ok but in profile I just disappear. x

The Lake House Writer said...

sending you a big mwah x and hug across the ocean

xx

Sarah Mac said...

Thank you LHW :) and right back at you! xx

Catherine said...

Sorry you've been feeling scattywampus (see you're not the only one with odd words!) it's not a fun place to be. And as for the weight thing, I too am on the 'light' side for my height because I don't eat when I'm upset. Let's just keep working on all this, all right?

And while it's hard, maybe a sweet treat, as a reward for the healthy eating? Milkshakes are yummy and fattening!

Sarah Mac said...

Good idea - I'm stuggling a little but milkshakes would probably go down pretty well :) x