Well, yes actually, I AM!
Is it because I think you have a burning need to know?
Do I have a burning need to tell you?
Probably not and no I think are the correct answers so, here's why.
I have been writing an awful lot of crap lately. True enough stuff but crap.
So crap in fact that I've deleted two posts in the last few days hoping that no one had actually had the chance to read them. They were not what Fudge, what I am about!
I've also been filling my life with crap.
Looking for distractions. Trying not to stop and think. Filling my time with stuff that I don't really want and just isn't me.
I mean, I am not a serial dater. Yes I like meeting people. Yes I enjoy male company. Yes I like to flirt, be found attractive and yes, I like to have fun.
But in my life I've had two long term relationships both lasting around 13 years each. In between I've had a few less serious dalliances and ... well, one that for me was more so.
ANYWAY, my point being, I've kind of lost sight of who I am. I've been bouncing around like a pinball on speed and I'm exhausted by it all.
I mentioned that I needed to put on some weight and today I had an appointment with a nutritionist.
My main problem is that my appetite is directly linked to my emotional well being.
If I'm not happy, I don't eat.
I haven't been happy for a while hence the frantic attempts to find distractions only my appetite isn't really fooled by that and my weight had taken quite a dramatic drop.
It's not healthy and it's not a good look. It IS something I can get control of (with a little help).
So, today was about talking about the reasons as well as putting a plan into action.
I mentioned my blog to the nutritionist and she suggested I talk about it openly as weight issues are often something that fester in silence and talking about it could actually be the spur I need to keep focused.
So, ok, here goes.
I'm a shade under 6ft tall with a medium body frame and my weight today is: 65.5kg (that's around 10 stone 4 for those of us who still think in metric).
According to all the weight charts this doesn't make me underweight, just on the lower side of healthy.
But it's not all about weight charts, it's about how you feel, how you look, what's right for you and this, this is too light for me.
I'm all bones and angles and I've got room in my size 10 jeans. My arse has all but gone (how I long for one of those beach ball type bums:) and my face looks hollow.
My saving grace is that I CAN see this, I know it's not good and I want to change it.
That means focusing on me for a bit. Slowing down and smelling the roses. Cutting out the distractions. Finding myself again if you like (although I've always hated that expression).
I haven't been me for a while and the person I've tried to be just doesn't work. I actually don't want to be that person and most of all, I don't want to be perceived as that person.
I'd hate for the people who know me to forget who I really am.
So, it's possible that I may not blog quite so much (but who knows;) but, what I'm hoping is that when I do it will be a return to the old Sarah who's been sitting quietly in the background waiting for the usurper to leave.
This isn't going to turn into some kind of weight monitoring/healthy eating type of blog, now THAT'S really not me ;) but it might get the odd mention and I'm pretty sure that those damned 'things' will keep happening to me so I'll keep you updated.
Here's to me being me again :)