Which I am very grateful you can't because you would all be laughing! (but that may well be a post on it's own ;).
Well, it's been a while since my last proper post but obviously 'things' haven't stopped happening to me.
I think I'll start with yesterday ...
My day started far too early, 5:15am to be precise when my alarm went off (deep bloody joy as I'd hardly got any sleep).
I was going to my favourite place in the whole wide world.
Ok, technically it may not be called that but it SHOULD be, it truly is the arsehole of the UK if not the entire world!
Believe me when I say I would NEVER voluntarily go to Shithampton but, unfortunately, I wasn't given a choice yesterday.
So I gritted my teeth, donned protective clothing and assumed my best 'don't mess with me motherf*cker' expression and off I went.
Now, getting to Shithampton SHOULD have be relatively straightforward, 2 trains, 2 hours.
But hey, this is ME remember ;)
All went smoothly at first.
My train was on time, we got to my next station without delay and my connection was running to time.
2 minutes before the connection was due there was an announcement.
'All passengers to Shithampton please change to platform 3'
Cue mad dash upstairs, across a bridge, down stairs. All the while being battered by cases and tripping over small children before piling onto the train, elbowing old ladies out of the way and finally sinking into a seat.
Hmmm, that was until .... 'Passenger announcement.
'This train will no longer be stopping at Shithampton'
F U C K!!
The damned train was already moving!!!
Eventually it transpired that in order to get to Shithampton I would now have to change trains again at Eastleigh.
Ok, I was pretty sure Eastleigh WAS at least in Hampshire so we were heading in the right direction!
Halfway to Eastleigh and there was an almighty CRASH.
A bloody tree fell on the train!
I don't mean we just hit a stray branch on the line. I mean a WHOLE sodding tree came crashing down, hit the roof of the train and rolled the length of it!
That had to be the end of the drama right?
Eventually after a delay of about half an hour to check for damage to the train (sod the fact that the passengers were in a state of shock) we reached Eastleigh and, according to the board, the connection to Shithampton was running on time and due in just a couple of minutes.
Then, 'passenger announcement'.
The train to Shithampton has been cancelled'
No, alternative, no reason, no apology, nothing!!
Eastleigh may or may not be a very nice place, I have no idea but I needed to get to Shithampton and I needed to get there NOW!
To cut a long story short, I hopped in a taxi and paid a small fortune for the privilege of getting to a place that I had no desire to go to in the first place!