Feel Free ...

Today was always going to be difficult.

I watched it creeping closer and closer.  I stopped trying to ignore it and decided to just let it happen.  To let it wash over me and pass.

Yesterday however was Big D's birthday (am I really the mother of a 28 year old??  Surely not!). 

He and the lovely L came over for dinner and I made the chocolatiest cake (and yes, that IS a real word ;) with chocolate butter cream and chocolate ganache.

As you can see, like most of my cakes it looks like its been decorated by a 4 year old (and I've always been called artistic ... :)

BUT, bloody hell, it tasted GOOOOD!!!

So, yesterday was a good day filled with love and laughter and lots of food (lots and LOTS of food!).

And I thought, 'I'm ok, I can handle today'.

And mostly I was!

It started ok.  Once the Mac's went off to school Gus and I went for a long walk.

Then I came home and got stuck in.  Cleaning, washing, stripping beds.  The sun was shining and the washing was blowing on the line.

Anything to keep me busy and not give me time to think, and it's pretty much worked.  I'm running, not hiding. Surfing the pain and trying really hard to look ahead (well, apart from small moments of reflection and indulgence, but I can forgive myself that).

I was OK!!!

And then, about an hour ago, I logged into my email and it all came crashing down.

You may remember a post last week sometime where I mentioned that I'd removed someone from my friends list on FB?

Sadly that wasn't the end to it that I'd hoped it would be.

There have been lots of texts and emails, which, after answering the first couple I have ignored because there really isn't anything left to say.

They ranged from apologies (accepted, but you still ain't back on my friends list!)

Upset and angry (get over it, you were the one who fucked up ok?)  to, the latest one tonight which, well I'm not really sure what you would call it ...

I'm left wondering how I managed to so completely misjudge someone.

I've known this person for the best part of 2 years and yet I now feel that I couldn't have know him at all.

Underneath my anger there is a huge sense of disappointment and sadness as well as shock at the way things have so abruptly changed direction. Today was a day when I really didn't need reminding how fragile I can feel.

I THOUGHT we were friends dammit!!!

Last year I took part in the 'I heart my body' campaign.  It was and is something I believe very strongly in and a lot of women (myself included) found it liberating to talk about and even publish photos of the positive aspects of our bodies.

I took quite a few photos, mostly never destined to be published for one reason or another.

All I considered to be tasteful and within the spirit of the campaign.

One story that was published by a very brave blogger told how she had sent a very slightly risque photo to someone she had met through Internet dating only to find that he had not only shown the photos to others but also that he had made disparaging remarks about her in relation to the photo.

God, I remember being so angry on her behalf.  How DARE he!!

She took the decision to publish that photo as part of the campaign. 

All her trust in him was gone and this was her way of taking back control.  Preempting the possibility that he might use this photo in some way to try and cause her pain. (she looked GREAT btw!).

I now find myself in a similar position.

Although I didn't send this photo to the person in question. 

Although I didn't give them permission to use it in any way. 

Although as far as I was aware they didn't even know it existed (I had even forgotten about it myself).

I certainly hadn't given it any thought when Id allowed them to use my PC a while ago.

I hadn't said 'feel free to trawl my photos while you are there'.

'Feel free to forward any to yourself that you like the look of'.

'Feel free to keep that photo and then, when you've fucked up our friendship (and btw, you were WAY off in your thinking anyway and I would have TOLD you that if only you'd asked!) to then tell me that you have this photo and could post it on the internet (WHY would you do that?).  How was that in any way ever going to mend our friendship?

I don't know if it's an idle threat.  I don't know what you think it would achieve but ...

You know what?

Go ahead if you think it will help.

I AM now saying, 'feel free!!!'






In fact, I'll save you the trouble.