Could Do Better

Hey guys, there's a brand new linkie over at the Lounge.  I love me a good linkie and this one looks like it could be set to run.  It's being hosted this week by Musings of the Misguided so feel free to either write your own post and link up or just pop over and check out a few of the other entries.

The theme this week is: WHAT DID YOU THINK YOU WOULD BE BETTER AT BY NOW?

As you all know, I am (a self confessed) expert in certain thing.  Need some  Relationship Guidance?  Look no further!!  I'll have you back on track in No time at all! (well, on A track anyway - it may not be the one I intended but you know, a tracks a track isn't it ....).

Village pub dress code when your knobbish first ever boyfriend suddenly makes an appearance after 20 odd years? (yes, I KNOW that's possibly a niche market but that's exactly why you need expert advice innit?).

What to wear for a day's blackberry picking with a randy bull and a little kitten wrangling thrown in (most of my posts seem to have a  fashionista element to them you know - I really AM something of an expert in this field ... well, maybe just in fields really ... ;)

The perfect seduction kit (with a little seduction advice thrown in).

You get the picture?

Like I said, I'm pretty much an expert in many, MANY areas so this was always going to be a challenge for me and what better way to get started than to make a list ....

I'm NOT so good with  lists ....

I misplace them (I will NOT have it said I lose them ok?) - I doodle on them until I can't read them, I spill stuff on them and on occasion I think I might possibly eat them ...

I write myself helpful lists to ensure maximum productivity look:

If it all seems too hard a few minor adjustments suddenly makes everything SO simple

I sometimes look at my list with slight bemusement.  When I wrote knob on my list (I mused) did I need to buy one or was I simply making a statement?

If all else fails and I am slightly downcast at my inability to tick things off my list well then, I just improvise!

So I started to make a list of all those things I thought I'd be better at by now.  I categorised them, made sub lists and sub lists within sub lists and then it occurred to me.

It was SIMPLE!

The things I really thought I'd be better at by now all come down to one thing.

I THOUGHT ID BE BETTER AT BEING A GROWN UP BY NOW!!

If nothing you've read has convinced you yet that I really suck at being a grown up then let me tell you about yesterday.

Yesterday was a beautiful day and so I decided it was time to clean my decking.

Off I trotted around the corner to borrow my neighbours pressure cleaner.

I knocked on the door and walked in as I always do and Dennis was nowhere to be seen.

I hovered for a bit whistling loudly in case he was in the loo when he appeared from the back garden.

'Sorry' he said, 'I was just trimming my bush round the back'.

'SNORT!!!'

'It's got really thick and bushy again' he went on - 'the electric trimmers don't touch it anymore, I've had to get out my big chopper' (actually, he really said saw but that doesn't sound so funny ;)

'SNORT, WHAAA, HIC'

Now Dennis is 70ish and didn't have a bloody clue why I was finding all this so funny.  I did briefly consider enlightening him but settled for pretending I had hay fever instead.

Off I trotted pressure washer in tow and started blasting the shit out of everything in my path (in the process covering MYSELF in 10 different kinds of shit - why does no one ever warn you about splash back???)..

My boredom threshold is pretty low and I soon got fed up blasting the decking and moved onto the shed taking most of the paint off the bottom of it and blasting little paint chips all over myself, the fence, my plants and a little right over the wall into my neighbours garden.  I'd forgotten how powerful those things were!

Suddenly there was a huge BANG!

Bloody hell, I'd only gone and blown the end clean off Dennis's hose!!!

I chased that slippery little thing all over the garden as it thrashed about squirting everywhere (I know, I could have just turned the tap off but that's what a GROWNUP  would do isn't it?) while the pressure washer made loud chugging noises and I ran around shouting, 'damn you Dennis and your unpredictable hose - when I get hold of it .... !!!' (please feel free to insert appropriate expletives at this point including intended places to insert it!).

So yes, the day that started so peacefully with clear blue skies and a hot air balloon passing over my house descended into chaos with me chasing a recalcitrant hosepipe all over my garden screaming obscenities as it sprayed me with freezing cold water which at least cleaned some of the crap off me but did very little to further my reputation on the neighbourhood.

One day I might be better at being a grown up but yesterday was not that day and it's unlikely that today will be either ;-)