fudge

Thursday, 9 May 2013

Lounging Around - The Fashion Fail Edition


It's Thursday which means it's time for this weeks visit to The Lounge.

This week it's being hosted by none other than the other Sarah Mac aka Slapdash Mama (otherwise known as NS or Namesake - well, by me anyway).

Pop over and read Sarah's blog if you are in need of a laugh - she never fails to make me smile and don't forget to check out a few other entries to The Lounge this week too.

Now I'm going to apologise in advance to anyone who's read this before - I had a brand new post ready to roll today complete with my many, many fashion fails including the time I nearly gave birth through interlocking nylon with the aid of a paramedic called Stan in a broken down lift but I logged in this morning and it's GONE!!!!

I don't know where and I don't know why and I am NOT 'appy!

I will get around to writing it again at some point but I've got my sister arriving from New Zeland later today because tomorrow is my sons wedding.  Yep, tomorrow I shall be Mother of the Groom complete with proper grown up dress and everything (although I have drawn the line at a facinator - sorry NS ;).

If you follow me on Facebook (and if not, please do - just search People blah, blah ...) then you will know that I had a major fashion crisis when I tried on my MOTG dress the other day only to discover that in the couple of weeks since I'd bought it something strange had happened and it suddenly looked completely crap on.  Seriously, it gaped and clung in places it had no business clinging and gaping.

I was DISTRAUGHT!!

Complete meltdown was averted when Miss Mac pointed out that I'd actually put it on back to front .....

Moving on swiftly  ....

Rather than NO post this week for The Lounge I've dug around in my knicker drawer and unearthed an old chestnut (along with a couple of pen lids, an elastic band and a hair grip) and I bring you regurgitated:

 'A Tight Squeeze'


After my post 'Women's Best Kept Secret' I had several comments extolling the benefits of control pants.


As I was writing from the perspective of someone who had never actually worn the things but had gained all her knowledge from Bridget Jones, I decided that maybe it was time I actually put my money where my muffin top is and gave them a go!




Ouch!

First of all I discovered how wrong I was in my assumption that control pants were simply control pants. I whizzed into Marks and Sparks expecting to grab a pair, my only choice being whether to choose black or natural tan. I was slightly nonplussed however to be confronted with a veritable plethora of styles, shapes and sizes.





Aargh!!!

There's the thong (I thought we were holding it in, not letting it all hang out!), a hideous looking thing, like cheese wire attached to a huge stretchy cummerbund. I'm not letting THAT anywhere near my nether regions, Id be scared of being sawn in half!


The high waisted pants, a bit like ordinary 'big' pants with an over sized waistband.


The ones that look a little like tights that have been sawn off at the knees and come right up to your boobs.


Then there were the added extras. Did I want powermesh? For some reason this just reminded me of the pressure washer and my enthusiasm last year in blasting anything and everything in the garden including half the rendering off the garden wall.


I could have a bodysuit with padding, boning,  under-wire, detachable straps and suspenders, well, quite frankly, I have something very similar already in black silk and lace which I'm pretty sure (in the moment of passion) would detract from any errant rolls of flesh anyway.


Some of them solved the question of 'how the bloody hell do you go to the loo' by being CROTCHLESS!! Is it only me that thinks that just renders the whole point of knickers well ........  pointless?


Other have either hooks and eyes or popper fastenings at the crotch to allow easy access and flow.


You wont catch me out with THAT one!!!


I remember my clubbing days when the 'body' was in fashion. Yes it gave you a sleek outline and no, you didn't have to worry about it becoming untucked. But try going to the loo in one when you're pissed ? Forget it!!


Scrabbling round trying to undo poppers when I could barely stand unaided. Giggling like a maniac while I peered at my crotch trying to focus on itsy, bitsy hooks and eyes and eventually grabbing the material with both hands an ripping the damn thing off in desperation with an accompanying TA DA, the sound of little bits of metal ricocheting off the cubical walls before my poor over loaded bladder gave up the unequal struggle and I pee'd myself.


Many's the time I've chuckled to myself as some poor girl (having failed to lock the door properly) has come head first at a gallop out of a cubicle, jeans round her ankles, clutching her dignity and landed face down on the floor.


I did eventually narrow my choices down and so, £26.99 lighter I left clutching my carrier bag and scuttled home before I could either bumped into someone I knew who could enquire about my purchase or (horror of horrors) give in to my latent tenancy to Coprolalia and stand in the middle of the store waving my big knicks over my head shouting fuck, fuck, SHAAAAG leaving everyone in no doubt that I thought I might just be on to a winner wearing these.

6 comments:

SlapdashMama said...

OMG on a million different levels! Firstly, wedding! Son! MOTG! Tomorrow! I hope it goes wonderfully!
Second OMG is that this wasn't the post you planned - are you kidding this one is high-larious! We've discussed the control underwear issue before. I'm a fan if the concept but am yet to find one that actually works. Ie makes me look ten kilos thinner! LOL! Thank you for linking up NS and really hope all goes well tomoz xxxx

robomum said...

Mother of the Groom! Lucky you! I recently had a bad experience with control wear - so uncomfortable it ruined my night. My only suggestion would be to take back up! Have fun!

NessofBoganville said...

I am the type of person who, if given a choice between control pants or elasticised waisted pants will most certainly take the latter option. Yep, I have completely let myself go and the next step will be when I am reduced to wearing cinema curtains. Oh dear.

Have a fabulous time at your sons wedding!

Kelloggs Ville said...

Have a great day xxx

(Ps you need to learn to pull to the side and lean method!)

Tegan Churchill said...

I love my control pants..now that I have found a comfortable pair. They material is so nice..getting into them however is like something out of cirque du solie. It should be considered an art form..really it should.

mrsdsmaunderings said...

Hilarious!! I too remember those damn poppers & how hard they were to fasten. I may or may not have just left them hanging out of my pants on some slightly inebriated occasions. ;)