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Saturday, 4 May 2013

Things YOU Wouldn't Do

Today's link up at The Lounge is Freaky - I think I probably linked this one up before and It's more of a 'freaked out' post than a freaky post but it all I've got:

Yesterday after a conversation with a friend, I suggested that my next blog post could be something along the lines of the things I've done that normal people probably wouldn't.

When he said 'That would be an incredibly long blog post ....' I have to admit to being slightly affronted!

Bloody cheek!

How dare he.

How dare he be so ...

So ...

SO. ...

RIGHT!

I'm FULL of great ideas.

That's why Thursday evening found me straddling a sheep as it repeatedly smacked the crap out of my face with it's bony little head.

Remember I told you a couple of weeks ago that we were going to get a cute little lambykin to keep the goat company?

Cute little lambykins grow people - cute little lambykins fucking grow!!!

Not only had that cute little sucker almost doubled in size in the last two weeks - she is now slightly bigger than my dog Gus and twice his weight but she had also been out in the field and suddenly wasn't quite so people friendly.  Added to which she was extremely pissed off at having her ears tagged that morning.

A couple of weeks ago when she had been cute and cuddly and tried climbing out of the pen so I could scratch her behind the ears it had all seemed like such a doddle.  She was going to sit on my lap on the way to the farm while I told her tales of how lovely life was going to be as she frolicked in the paddock with her soon to be big sis the nanny goat.

Cue reality check!!

I got into the back of the van and opened my arms for a woolly little bundle of fluffiness and Will (who's bastard sheep it was) heaved this thrashing mass of pissed off mutton with flailing legs into my arms.

WHAAAH!!!

I grabbed a hank of oily wool in each hand and looked into it's mean little eyes - 'GET OFF MY FUCKING FOOT YOU BASTARD' I crooned lovely in it's fluffy little ear.

It headbutted me.

'KEEP STILL AND STOP FUCKING HEADBUTTING ME' I whispered soothingly.

It headbutted me again.

'GET OFF MY FUCKING FOOT - STOP HEADBUTTING ME AND DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE SHIT ON MY FOOT'

It headbutted me again, shit on my foot and then SAT on it!!!

Will (the bastard)  had been watching all this with great amusement eventually stepped in and said 'try this' as he whipped her head around to the side and appeared to almost insert it up her rectum.

I tried it.

She headbutted me.

'Ok, try THIS' he said not even trying to control his mirth and he picked up one of her legs and held it under her belly.

I tried it.

She headbutted me.

'Hang on' said Will and he disappeared for a couple of minutes and returned with a paper feed sack.

He popped it over her head and half her body.

'That should calm her down he said'.

Phew!!!

Then she headbutted me.

Next followed the longest 20 minutes of my entire life as we drove to the farm.

I was hanging off my seat with my legs clamped around her fat little belly.  One hand gripping her wool so tightly my hand still hurts, the other holding the bag over her head as she shouted really loudly in my ear and smacked me in the face every couple of seconds.

SD of course thought I was making a fuss about nothing!!

Ive no idea what the people in the car that pulled up beside us at the lights thought but I could see them all looking on in opened mouthed horror at this screaming harpy in the back of a van who appeared to be riding a large thrashing, paper bag as it bleating frantically and she shouted 'keep still you little fucker unless you want me to shove your head right back up you arse again!'

20 comments:

Lou said...

Oh Sarah....I am crying...too funny, just way too funny.

Lou :-D

joeh said...

No youtube video? This would have gone viral!

Kelloggs Ville said...

please tell me you were wearing wellies, please tell me you were wearing wellies....euuuuuuugh, sheep poo toes.

E. said...

Punchy. I hope your head is t too sore. It would have been hysterical to witness though.

Car said...

OMG woman you need a VLOG not a BLOG! too funny!

Sarah said...

God Lou - I thought I was going to die before we got there!! :-)

There really should have been Joe shouldn't there?

Aaaand breath K - wellies were worn I assure you - shame I didn't think to wear a crash helmet too!

My head is tender E - in fact nearly all of me aches still - got to admit, I'd much rather have been watching it all ;-)

Lol Car, I keep think I must do a vlog .... Maybe for the nextpart of the sheep saga (oh yes, there's more!!!)

SlapdashMama said...

OH GOD!TOO FUNNY!
I am at work stifling my laughter...

Sarah said...

Let it out NS ;-)

Angels have Red Hair said...

That's hilarious .. note to self ... never get a sheep!

Rae Hilhorst said...

funniest post I have read in a long time, good luck with the wooly one. xx

allison tait said...

Hilarious! Have you, Er, baked it yet? Thanks for Rewinding.

Sarah said...

Thanks all - sorry for the delay in replying, my internet at home is misbehaving!!! NEVER get a sheep Angel, they are not cute and cuddly ... not at all!!! Thanks Rae, bloody thing escaped 4 times and was last seen living it up across the road with 200 other wooly b*stards! If only I could catch it Allison belive me, I would!

robomum said...

Hehehehehehehe! The imagery is strong in this post.

Alex Finlayson said...

bloody hell that was the funniest post I've read in a long time, loved it. I feel a bit bad laughing at your misfortune but I once did the same with a calf so I can sympathise. I basically had to wrestle the bloody thing for 30 minutes. I didn't want to back down because I was newly arrived to Australia and wanted to prove I was 'man enough for the task' but when it pissed in my face I gave up.

theviblog said...

Oh fuck that was hilarious. I feel bad for laughing but when I got to the bit about it shitting on your foot I lost it altogether!

I've had a few wines and I am PISSING myself laughing.

Love your work Sarah :)

Kim Frost said...

Hilarious woman! And nice work blogging from your phone. Winning, not failing. I hope you're growing rosemary in your garden. Have a feeling it's going to be required shortly.

Sarah said...

Just spotted some unanswered comments here - sorry, must have slipped through the net somehow!

Ha ha Alex - I think a calf pissing on your face might actually trump a sheep shitting on your foot (its a close one though!).

At least the bloody sheep didnt piss on me VB ;-)

Bloody thing escaped to live it up over the road with 200 other sheep that very same night Kim - none of us wanted it back so we sold it to the farmer - I like to think it might have ended up on my plate at some point!

Lydia C. Lee said...

I also want to second the rosemary comment above - and I have an expression for this (as I am often the person where it goes horribly wrong due to ill conceived ideas) 'All enthusiasm, no eye for detail'. I still think it's better to have the enthusiasm and deal with the aftermath...

Sarah said...

You know, that really IS me Lydia - I'm definitely a 'jump in with both feet' kind of person and often perplexed at how things turn out :-)

robomum said...

I just realised I didn't leave a comment on this the other day but even as I read it for a second time, I'm still pissing myself laughing! I wish there was a camera there - one of those moments. Crazy animal stories always get me! Still laughing! Cheers for linking. Robo X