fudge

Wednesday, 10 September 2014

A Bit Of Light Relief

Every now and then I feel the need for a bit of light relief and that's when I turn to some old blog posts and have a bit of a reminisce.

I've probably re-posted this one before but reading it and remembering that day gave me exactly what I needed today so, if you are feeling a bit down today for no particular reason then feel free to have a laugh at my expense:

Things YOU Wouldn't Do


Yesterday after a conversation with a friend, I suggested that my next blog post could be something along the lines of the things I've done that normal people probably wouldn't.

When he said 'That would be an incredibly long blog post ....' I have to admit to being slightly affronted!

Bloody cheek! 

How dare he.

How dare he be so ...

So ...

SO. ...

RIGHT!

I'm FULL of great ideas.

That's why Thursday evening found me straddling a sheep as it repeatedly smacked the crap out of my face with it's bony little head.

Remember I told you a couple of weeks ago that we were going to get a cute little lambykin to keep the goat company?

Cute little lambykins grow people - cute little lambykins fucking grow!!!

Not only had that cute little sucker almost doubled in size in the last two weeks - she is now slightly bigger than my dog Gus and twice his weight but she had also been out in the field and suddenly wasn't quite so people friendly.  Added to which she was extremely pissed off at having her ears tagged that morning.

A couple of weeks ago when she had been cute and cuddly and tried climbing out of the pen so I could scratch her behind the ears it had all seemed like such a doddle.  She was going to sit on my lap on the way to the farm while I told her tales of how lovely life was going to be as she frolicked in the paddock with her soon to be big sis the nanny goat.

Cue reality check!!

I got into the back of the van and opened my arms for a woolly little bundle of fluffiness and Will (who's bastard sheep it was) heaved this thrashing mass of pissed off mutton with flailing legs into my arms.

WHAAAH!!!

I grabbed a hank of oily wool in each hand and looked into it's mean little eyes - 'GET OFF MY FUCKING FOOT YOU BASTARD' I crooned lovely in it's fluffy little ear.

It headbutted me.

'KEEP STILL AND STOP FUCKING HEADBUTTING ME' I whispered soothingly.

It headbutted me again.

'GET OFF MY FUCKING FOOT - STOP HEADBUTTING ME AND DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE SHIT ON MY FOOT'

It headbutted me again, shit on my foot and then SAT on it!!!

Will (the bastard)  had been watching all this with great amusement eventually stepped in and said 'try this' as he whipped her head around to the side and appeared to almost insert it up her rectum.

I tried it.

She headbutted me.

'Ok, try THIS' he said not even trying to control his mirth and he picked up one of her legs and held it under her belly.

I tried it.

She headbutted me.

'Hang on' said Will and he disappeared for a couple of minutes and returned with a paper feed sack.

He popped it over her head and half her body.

'That should calm her down he said'.

Phew!!!

Then she headbutted me.

Next followed the longest 20 minutes of my entire life as we drove to the farm.

I was hanging off my seat with my legs clamped around her fat little belly.  One hand gripping her wool so tightly my hand still hurts, the other holding the bag over her head as she shouted really loudly in my ear and smacked me in the face every couple of seconds.

SD of course thought I was making a fuss about nothing!!

Ive no idea what the people in the car that pulled up beside us at the lights thought but I could see them all looking on in opened mouthed horror at this screaming harpy in the back of a van who appeared to be riding a large thrashing, paper bag as it bleating frantically and she shouted 'keep still you little fucker unless you want me to shove your head right back up you arse again!'

4 comments:

Holly said...

Oh my life, you make me laugh so much. Honestly. Sounds like my old shetland pony. I bought him when he was 3 months old after I went to see him. When I went to pick him up at 6 months old, he was weird looking and bloody naughty! He proceeded to beat the shit out of me until I finally got him gelded at a year old!

ann said...

Oh my goodness thank you so much for the much needed morning giggle!!
I so wish you had videoed this!!

Mike @ A Bit About Britain said...

Yeah - that raised a smile or two at the start of a busy day... thank you.

Sarah said...

We used to have the most gorgeous Dartmoor pony Holly who was so gentle and loving but we also had a welsh mountain who was very naughty and a bit of an escape artist, I spent many hours chasing her across fields when she managed to get out!

It would have made a great video Ann. At the time it was a nightmare and definitely destroyed my romantic illusions of having a little woolly friend follow me around!

Glad it got your day off to a good start Mike :-)