Thursday, 16 October 2014

Turd On The Tiles

Scrolling through FB this morning I saw this link to a post Mrs Woog wrote a while ago entitled 'The Seven Habits of Highly Irritating Husbands'.

I remembered nodding along as I read it the first time around and thinking how much I could identify with many of those things so I thought I'd use her post as template and write my own list of men's irritating habits, I might even include one or two of my own irritating habits ...*

Mrs Woog:
DISHWASHER – Not a day goes by that I do not get up and find a plate on the bench above the dishwasher. Mere centimeters away from the door of the dishwasher.

Ok, so I can't identify with this one any more since I was nearly SHOT by by own dishwasher - TRUE STORY!  You can read about it here!!  

So now I just have an empty dishwasher shaped space in my kitchen which houses the cat litter tray and this morning RIGHT NEXT TO IT was a tiny cat shaped poo so I guess Squishy (the cat who has no name because I am not keeping her and I am (according to SD) finding her a new home so there is NO POINT in giving her a name ...) was trying to identify with Mr Woog  by leaving her own version of the plate on the bench.

I call  it, 'The Turd on the Tiles'.

Mrs Woog:
DISASTER – Last night I told him that there was a bra under wire caught in the washing machine. I watched him walk into the laundry and peer in.“HOLY CRAP!” he screeched at the top of his voice. He is one for extreme over-reactions and saying “I have had a disaster……”


Ooh, I'VE had that happen too!!

Mrs Woog and I must be like TWINS or something (didn't I TELL you how freaky it was that I have so many twins ...  DIDN'T I???).  I think men in general might be prone to over-reaction. Ex Lax, my ex husband (so called because he gives me the shits) used to do it ALL the time and SD TOTALLY over-reacts as you know when I wander off to take photos of stuff forgetting that I'm supposed to be holding the ladder when he's 20ft up an apple tree or something.  I mean seriously, the way he bangs on you'd think he was going to plunge to his death and he's not at all mollified when I point out that he far more likely to just break a limb and even that would be slightly less likely if he just stopped hopping about shouting at me and let me take the damned photo in peace!

Mrs Woog
ADVICE – unwanted of course.  My favourite is when he gives me parenting advice. The problem is that he will often contradict himself within a few short sentences. Or when he says things like “The kids need to eat dinner at 5 or they will go feral…..” when really it is HE who wants to eat at 5 because he is living on pensioner time.
I don't recall Ex Lax ever giving me parenting advice, possibly he would have seen that as a little too much commitment but SD is FULL of 'really helpful advice that I should follow in order to enable Miss Mac to become a well rounded, useful member of society' - He doesn't actually SAY that I hasten to add but that's definitely the subtext.

I have perfected a grave, interested, serious face that looks like it's taking on board all of this useful advice (and, on occasion I have to concede that he may have a point ...) whilst mentally I'm throwing darts at his head until he resembles Vivian from The Young Ones because 'Ain't NOBODY telling me how to parent MY kids Yo!!  Incidentally, that NOT because I think I'm the perfect parent with all the answers, I'm very far from that.  

It's just ...  Well, you know ...  

Mrs Woog:Mrs Wood
OBSESSIVE – mainly showering, which can be up to 3 times a day. I am not sure if he is just purely filthy, a chronic masturbator or just likes having a shower.
Hmmm, I haven't come across this one.  SD  (and Ex Lax) pretty much stick to one shower a day or, depending on what we have been up to, maybe two (I'm talking about dirty jobs here ...  of the outside variety ... like grovelling around under cars and stuff ...  Oh god, I GIVE UP! If you want your imagination to remain in the gutter then there's nothing more I can say ...).  As far as I'm concerned, 'what happens in the shower stays in the shower' and, as long as you come out of it clean and sweet smelling then fill your boots!

Mrs Woog:
BUDGET MEETINGS – He calls for a budget meeting about once a week,  where he will go through upcoming expenses and brainstorm ways to save cash. “We have nothing to insure, so why do we need insurance?” “What is wrong with doing your own nails?” “I really, really like grey hair on you….” It is the same each week. I nod, make agreeable noises and proceed to ignore everything.

Now I'm wondering if SD is in fact Mr Woogs twin!!   He apparently also has NO IDEA how expensive it is looking this fabulous!

EXCESSIVE WHIPPER SNIPPING AND MOWING AT 8AM ON A SATURDAY MORNING – no need for commenting on this one. You could set your watch by this.

Again, I have no real point of reference.  I'm not sure SD even KNOWS that Saturday and Sunday have two 8 o'clocks in them, he certainly hasn't ever seen them to my knowledge which may or may not be in part due to the fact that I don't have a lawn ...

Mrs Woog:
ABSENTMINDEDLY TAKING ME FROM THE REAR – Sorry. You did read that right. I could be bent over unpacking the dishwasher, and he will dash over and dry hump me. Like some sort of horny dog on Viagra. Or I could be bending over picking clothes off the floor or tying my shoelaces. And there he is. Humping.

I'm very pleased to say that SD is NOT guilty of this particular habit but Ex Lax ...  Well, he was another matter entirely!!

Washing the dishes - cleaning the bath - loading the washing machine ...  I swear to god he had some kind of inbuilt sensor for when I was at a 90 degree angle!

HOW is it sexy to dry hump someone wearing a washing machine drum like a bloody sombrero?  I don't WANT to be jammed shoulder deep into a cave full of your dirty kecks having a layer taken off my chin as it grates back and forth on the metal interior of my Bosch Maxx 5  thankyouverymuch!
*KIDDING - I don't have any!!!

Thank you Mrs Wood for inadvertently and unknowingly providing me with the inspiration for this post - you are a legend on a laptop!


ann said...

I need to not drink or eat when I read your posts so I don't choke with laughter!!

Lydia C. Lee said...

No early morning whipper snippering in this house! (Spell check kept making that snipering...none of that either, unless he's using a silencer)

Sarah said...

It's the drinking that gets me every time Ann, I have no problem showering the keyboard with crumbs but liquid out of the nose? That hurts!!

I could probably set a bomb off under SD Lydia and he'd sleep through it!

joeh said...

I refuse to respond to this sexist post!

Mrs. C knows to look before she bends over.

K Ville said...

oh the dry hump thing drives me nuts. By the by.

But now I understand for a more peaceful life I should only be pretending, sorry, imagining to be throwing the darts. My OH is so touchy!

Maybe I'll go for pretending first, I love the way he ducks from side to side...he can't dry hump doing that!

Sarah said...

Mrs C is very wise Joe!

Ha ha, this is true K, real darts should be reserved for only the most persistent of dry humpers ;-)