On The Move

So, Mum was moved quite suddenly from the hospital to a nursing home the other day.

Fortunately, given that some of the possible moves could have been some distance away, they have actually sent her to a place just down the road from me and I can be there on my bike in less than 10 minutes so a great result!

On Tuesday night we picked up my Sis to go an visit her.  Sis hasn't tended to visit in the evenings during the week as she works long hours and so by the time she gets home, feeds the family and gets herself sorted it really too late and Mum would be too tired for visitors.

That's been fine as my step dad spend several hours each day with Mum and I pop in for an hour or so each evening and then Sis spends as much time as she can with her at weekends.  She doesn't go short of company.

Anyway, Sis was keen to see the new place and see Mum was happy and settled so SD and I swung by and picked her up.

I've often passed this particular nursing home, in fact many years ago I worked at the building next door and often used to drop any magazines I'd read off for the residents but I'd never been inside.

I've got to say that after the uber modern and bright atmosphere in the hospital I was a little taken aback by the decor of the nursing home.

As my step father said - it's rather reminiscent of a 1930's boarding house and I was just itching to splash a bit of paint around and just generally give it a good tidy up.

It's not so much that it was untidy, just SO cluttered and (despite that fact that I am no domestic goddess) I struggle with clutter.

That's probably just me though, someone else may find it homely and certainly the residents seem content enough.

The young carer who showed us in offered to take us to Mums room.

'Stairs or lift' she asked.

I would obviously have chosen stairs as I have a strong aversion to lifts but Sis beat me to it and chose the lift.

I'm not sure she will make THAT mistake again!

The lift was the teeniest, tiniest lift I have EVER seen - the three of us just about squeezed in together and then, as the doors closed, I noticed that in my corner there was a little puddle on the floor.  I looked at it, looked at Sis, looked back at the puddle and lifted one leg.  The carer looked at me standing on one leg, glanced at the puddle and then we all looked straight ahead until the lift came to a shuddering halt.

Mum's room is considerably smaller than the one in the hospital and, although a little shabby like the rest of the place it does have a more homely feel to it than a hospital ward.

One thing she does have is a state of the art bed which is so important given that she is not at all mobile right now.

I sat on the only chair in the room while Sis had a little nose around checking out Mums bathroom and making sure that all her personal things had come with her from the hospital.

'Sit on the end of the bed urged Mum when she was done'.

Sis sat.

There was an odd popping kind of sound coming from the bed.  Sis giggled ...

'It's the same noise as in hospital' she told Mum - 'I thought it was you and you had a bad case of wind but I didn't like to mention it'.

'It's not ME' said Mum looking slightly affronted.

' I knew it wasn't you Mum' I said hastily (and therefore establishing myself as the favourite daughter) - 'it's the hydraulics in the bed'.

'Well' said Sis - ' It wasn't just ME who thought it was Mum - so did step dad!'.

We all giggled for a bit given that we share a similar sense of humour.

Then we got on to talking about the other things that we have in common - the things that perhaps Mum had passed on to her daughters.

'Well' I said - 'I've got your wide feet, your collapsing veins and your god awful tendency to gurn in photos!'

Mum looked contrite - 'Sorry' she said, 'but surely I've passed on SOMETHING good ...'

We looked at each other for a while in silence ...

Eventually I hit on something!

'I know' I told her - 'I'm not scared of snakes - 'THAT'S definitely something I get from you!'

Mum looked relieved that she had actually done something positive for her youngest until I made the mistake of adding.

'But we don't actually GET snakes in England do we ...'

Then we all giggled a bit more and remembered that she's passed on her fear of heights to me too!

While we were sitting there I'd observed something odd about Mum - she appeared to be rippling ...

I didn't like to say anything because she seemed to be unaware of it and anyway, why SHOULDN'T you ripple in your own bed if you want to so I just ignored it.  Mum was happy enough and Sis didn't say anything so I just left her to ripple.

When it was time to go Sis stood up from her place at the end of the bed and immediately there was a loud bleeping sound.

We looked around in concern.

The bleeping was coming from the bed and more than that - there was a large depression in the bed where Sis had been sitting.

I fully expected a whole army of nurses and doctors to descend on us and accuse Sis of breaking Mums very expensive bed which continued to beep and also, suddenly start to INFLATE!!!

Mum rippled a little more and slowly started to sink as the bed continued to bleep and inflate at the end where Sis had been sitting and we suddenly realised it was self adjusting (which it presumably does for Mums comfort).

I think we were all relived that Sis hadn't actually broken the bed and I for one was VERY relieved that Mum wasn't about to be catapulted across the room or something.

We giggled again and I teased Sis about her weight breaking the bed.

'Well YOU sit on it' she said - 'I bet it will go down just a much if you do!'

'Depends on which of you is the heaviest' Mum piped up from the other end of the bed.

Sis and I looked at each other, neither of us willing to insist that it must be the other.

'I'm not sitting on it' I said 'and I'm not going down in that bloody lift either!'

Chopping Up Rhubarb And Other Stuff

I was thinking this morning as I chopped up some rhubarb that I might do a food post.

Not so much recipes and such but more of 'how to chop stuff up' kind of post ...

It probably wouldn't be a LONG post - after all, I expect most of you already know how to chop stuff up don't you?

I saw a video on FB book the other day - 'never peel potatoes again' or something - apparently you can just score around the potato, boil it and then slip the skins off.

I guess that would work if you had asbestos hands ...

My post wouldn't be like that.  I'd tell you stuff like how to peel an onion.  I watched a friend peel an onion a while ago, it was the most painful thing I've seen in ages.  I mean LITERALLY painful - his eyes were watering so much he could barely see!

I've never peeled an onion under water or tried that trick of putting a spoon in your mouth while you peel one (and seriously? Surely that's just someone taking the piss to make you look stupid isn't it?).

So I took pity on him.   Onions are SIMPLE!

All you do is top and tail them, cut them in half and then the skin comes off in two halves - couldn't be easier!

But I expect you already knew that ...

Did you know that rhubarb is easier to chop if you turn it on it's side?  It really is, try it.  I know it seems obvious to place it flat side down but then the outer layers tear and you get ribbons of rhubarb attached to your slices - turn it on it's side and that doesn't happen.

So, there you go, a master class in onion peeling and rhubarb chopping - next time we will do 'cutting up peppers' and how to skin a tomato (which is very similar to the potato peeling tip).

I can smell my rhubarb gently stewing.  My friend Nicolette brought it over last night, it's the first picking and the stems are slim and delicate with a slight pink blush, it should be sweet and juicy and soft after a few minute simmering.

I'm hoping it's sweet enough as it is without having to add sugar so that I can take some up to Mum who is in hospital at the moment with a broken ankle and knee.  She's diabetic so treats are difficult to find.  If it's still a little sharp I'll thrown some sweet eating apples into the mix which should take it down a level or two.

I've been spending a little of each day with Mum since she's been in hospital and it almost feels like we are building a new relationship.  Until recently she and my step father lived in Spain for many years and we went for long periods of time not seeing them.  It's good to have them close by.

Things have changed though.  Aside from recent events Mums health isn't so good and she struggles with short term memory loss but essentially she is still the same person although in some ways a softer version of her previous self.

It's her Birthday in a few weeks, she may still be in hospital as until her knee is recovered sufficiently she can't begin her rehabilitation.

I'm hoping they will keep her in Taunton.  The ward she is on is only supposed to be a short term solution and she is on the waiting list to be moved somewhere that is set up for more long term but that could mean it will be more difficult to see her.

The care she is getting is just amazing.  There was a shift change while I was there last night and one of the nurses made a point of stopping by to see Mum for a quick chat, not medically related, just to see how she was and to tell her she would see her tomorrow.  The nurses do 12 hour shifts - SUCH a long day!  Yet they still find time to care and show a genuine interest in their patients which goes beyond the nursing care they are paid for.

Anyway, Mum's birthday - how hard is it to find the perfect present for someone who really doesn't need or want anything?

Sweet treats are out as I said before and my step dad has always brought Mum flowers on a regular basis.  Mum likes to read but she has plenty of books thanks to a system the hospital has where people donate books and then they sell them for just £1 each to raise funds so my sister has bought Mum a few and we will donate them back as she finishes them and buy some more.

Well, I think I may have found it - the perfect gift!

A coupe of weeks ago I was thinking about the place that I grew up and googled something about it - to my huge surprise a photo came up:

This one!

That's my Mum on the right aged 11 in 1952 walking through the barley field from the church with a friend.

What an amazing find!  I don't think Mum has any photos of herself at this age - if she does then I've never seen them.

I love everything about this photo.  I love the fact that I recognise that field and the church.  I love that I used to walk that very same path at the same age through the barley.  I love the dress she is wearing and I love the way that she and her friend seem so intent on the book they are looking at that they seem completely unaware that their photo is being taken.

I would love to know who took this photo but it's just a stock photo with no credit.  It does give Mums name and age though but even if it hadn't, she looks so much like my 2nd eldest sister in this photo that there really is no mistaking the fact that it is her.

I'm going to order a copy of it and have it framed for her Birthday - I hope she loves it just as much as I do!

Recapped - Updated - I Am A Work In Progress!

 So, last week I re-published a couple of posts detailing my New Year Resolutions from a couple of years ago.

I was fairly impressed with the progress I made in such a short time and clearly thought it was worth revisiting once again several months later.

Having re-read this post I'm STILL fairly impressed with with the great strides I made towards being a better person.

 

What do YOU think???

 

I Am A Work In Progress (An Update)

I read a post this morning in that convoluted way where you hop from one blog to another while you ignore your enormous 'to do' list - no idea how I found it so I can't link to it but it was one of those where someone re-visits a post to see how they are doing.

Well, I re-posted this a few months ago with a follow up post detailing how I'd failed in just about every resolution I'd made so I thought I take another look and see if i can actually tick something off because that was WEEKS ago and surely I must have done some of these by now ...

So, here it is - I Am A Work In Progress ...

I will/will not/possibly should (but probably won't):

1. Take off make-up after a night out so that do not wake up with scary black caverns in place of eyes in pale face in manner of Edvard Munch scream painting but with additional mad Brian May hair and may even start plaiting hair before bed to avoid mad Brian May look the morning after (although slightly concerned that this might just be a short hop to wearing a hair net and bed-socks ….).
   
   Too hard!  So much easier to just stop wearing makeup altogether which just results in my looking like a scary painting ALL of the time.  Considered hairnet but am concerned that it may somehow become entwined with SD during the night and garrote him and will end up on involuntary murder charge and no lift to supermarket to do big weekly shop!
2. Will always (in the manner of Garfield) be sincere whether I mean it or not.
   
   Nailed it!!
3. Will ascertain how drunk SD really is on Christmas Eve an hour after leaving him unattended and semi sober in the pub BEFORE replying to his drunken friends who say – 'I hear you are cooking chicken – can I come to dinner' in case he really HAS invited them!
   
   Have resolved never to leave SD unattended or semi sober in pub (why should HE have all the fun??) and to change my mobile number.
   
4. Will not send jokey text in reply to SD's drunken friends who ask – 'I hear you are cooking chicken for SD and Jon – can I come round too?' but will ignore them in dignified manner rather than say – 'of COURSE, the more the merrier!'
   
   Will become a vegetarian before next Christmas and only cook responsibly sourced nuts, tofu and seaweed thus ensuring that NO ONE ever requests an invite to dinner.
5. Will not panic when get text saying – 'Cool – me, Mark, Ray, Eddy, Neil, Rick, Sam and Luke are on the way' and start frantically counting the legs on the chicken muttering 'why the fuck do they only have two???' or send back text saying 'bring your own chairs'.
   
   Buy more chairs or genetically engineer chickens with multiple legs OR become a vegetarian.
6. Will not run out of house (still wearing too short for casual day wear but  possibly ok for Christmas Eve in the pub dress ) and bang on neighbour round the corners door to borrow tin foil (and enquire about possible spare chicken legs) and return bearing tin foil, large roll of carpet, home-made chutney and a huge bunch of keys as clearly, other than home made chutney, cannot serve any of these to possible impending guests.
   
   Buy tin foil, either confess to neighbour that have lost large bunch of keys or move.
7. Will not at semi formal dinner party (obviously NOT mine ...) refer to or even think of fellow guest as an over privileged wanker.
   
   Have inexplicably NOT been invited to any formal dinner parties recently therefore can confidently tick this one off list!
8. Wear a dress that inexplicably rides DOWN revealing tits in manner of porn star.
   
   Considered just BECOMING a porn star but would then have to wax legs and other bits and practise pouting and may be simpler to just set up telephone chat line and let foliage grow.
9. Lean over table in porn star dress to reach desert wine (or spit disgusting dessert wine back into glass).
   
   Can confidently say that I will NEVER attempt to drink desert wine again - another one ticked off (I am quietly proud ...)
10. Wonder why very plain and disapproving looking wife of over privileged wanker appears to be wearing a monks robe in fetching plum colour presumably obtained from Joe Brown catalogue where they sell such things along with jacquard waistcoats and things that chop hard boiled eggs into neat slices but remember that have just flashed tits at her husband so no doubt she has reason to look disapproving regardless of what she's wearing.
    
    Have perused Joe Brown catalogue and earmarked culottes and a fetching blouse with Peter pan collar for SD to buy me for my up coming Birthday so should I ever be invited to formal dinner party again I WILL be appropriately dressed!
    
    
11. Wear any dress that is short enough to require cycling shorts to be worn underneath and/or is see through ( but perhaps buy flesh coloured slip along with hairnet and bed socks with M&S Christmas voucher rather than gourmet chocolates and wine).
    
    Bought more cycling shorts with M&S voucher - Sometimes you just HAVE to be yourself!
12. Remember to top up tin of Roses chocolate from secret box hidden in cupboard under the stairs so that no one knows I have eaten all the strawberry and orange creams (as well as the caramels …).
    
    Won a tin of Roses in the raffle at pensioners Bingo so ate the rest of tin AND secret stash and NO ONE KNEW!!

13. Teach daughter responsible drinking habits before next News Years Eve party.
    
    Allowed her to go to friends NYE party and passed that responsibility onto friends mother.
14. Debate with self possibility that teaching daughter responsible drinking habits before next News Years Eve party is in fact irresponsible parenting as should obviously be condemning demon drink to impressionable 14 (although almost 15) year old.
    
    As she is 15, almost 16 now have concluded that she almost certainly has a stash of empty vodka bottles under her bed by now and I have probably missed the boat on this one.
15. Do not consider saying daughter is nearly 15 makes irresponsibly parenting somehow less irresponsible.
    
    See above - this one is now invalid which is ALMOST the same as ticking it off which is what I shall do!
16. Dress appropriately at all times but in particular when attending school events and NOT wear t-shirt with slogan 'Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me?' to academic tutoring thingy in lecture theatre where, while waiting to see scary Scottish form tutor, am forced to sit in front row facing sea of teachers sitting round desks discussing children's progress with appropriately dressed parents (or alternatively take cardigan which buttons up to neck to hide t-shirt).
    
    Still working on this one - have also added:  Will not turn up late (although I maintain they started early!) - walk into packed lecture theatre while speeches are on and make 12 people stand up so that I can get to the only spare seat RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROW while daughters friends fathers try frantically to read writing on the front of t-shirt!
17. Buy cardigan.
    
    Tick!!!  TICK - I bought a cardigan - No, not really but SD's Mum did buy me one.  Am fully expecting hair net and bed sock to follow any day...
18. Give unopened tin of Quality Street to deserving cause as Jan 6th is probably a reasonable time to stop eating chocolate for breakfast.
    
    That one was a red herring - seriously?  Give away chocolate??  Are you MAD???
19. Aide Memoire (I knew it would come to me!!!).
    
    My intellect scares me sometimes ...
20. Spend more time on personal grooming i.e. have eyebrows waxed on regular basis rather than just growing fringe to cover forehead and allowing eyebrows to run hither and thither across face like a lamb gambolling through a daisy strewn field in the Spring (although do not have actual daisies growing on forehead to my knowledge).
    
    Have checked again for daisies and appear to be free from gambolling weeds although eyebrows could do with a little attention from hedge trimmer.
21. Remember that if I have to ask myself (or others) if it's a long top or a short dress then it's probably a long top!
    
    It's ALWAYS a long top ...
22. Spend more time cleaning carpets and generally being a better person.
    
    Having re-read this I already feel like a much better person albeit one with minging carpets.
    
    Has anyone else had such outstanding success with their resolutions?  Are you quietly impressed by the progress you have made so far this year?

I Am A Work Of Art (although slightly abstract) - a recap

A couple of weeks after I'd written the post I re-published yesterday I revisited my resolutions to see if I'd made any progress with them.

I'm pleased to say that I think I was doing rather well, what do YOU think ...?

I Am A Work Of Art (although slightly abstract ...)

Well, it's the 14th of January so I thought I'd do a brief recap on my previous post and see how I'm getting on so far.

It seems I am, to be honest, still a bit crap at most things …

I am though making more effort to remove my make up at night and have invested in various elixir of youth in an attempt to stop my face collapsing into folds and creases but I haven't yet started to plait my hair before bed so Brian May lives on (have also avoided hair net and bed socks so far).

Have not had my sincerity tested yet but have spent some considerable time avoiding situations where it might be put into question which is almost the same thing isn't it?

Have not held any dinner parties impromptu or otherwise.

Have not called round to see neighbour who has/had tin foil as would then have to confess to having lost huge bunch of keys.

Have not (inexplicably) been invited to any dinner parties semi formal or otherwise, worn a dress, exposed my tits or drunk dessert wine.

Have checked out Joe Brown catalogue and considered buying thing that chops eggs into neat slices before remembering that have a strong aversion to hard boiled eggs and might perhaps do better investing in a jacquard waistcoat.

Have not worn a dress at all as too bloody cold/wet at the moment and so have not bought flesh coloured slip to languish at back of underwear drawer as token, never to be worn, decency item of underwear and have spent Christmas M&S voucher on gourmet chocolates and cycling shorts. (to be worn whilst actually cycling rather than as supplementary underwear for too short dresses)

Eaten all the strawberry and orange creams (as well as the caramels) from the secret box of Roses hidden in the cupboard under the stairs …

Have dressed appropriately on almost every occasion so far this year i.e. waders, muffler and balaclava.

Have not bought cardigan or given away chocolates or plucked eyebrows or cleaned carpets …

In addition I HAVE/WILL:

Spent a frantic half hour searching house and shed for bike before remembering I'd left it chained up outside Sainsburys the night before.
 (Also still pace the bike racks of town trying to identify my bike when I've remembered I've cycled in. Have not, as yet, invested in colourful scrunchie (as suggested by K) to slip over handle bar for easy identification.)

Developed an aversion to the automatic doors in Debenhams which have a slight delay and wait until the moment that I can't stand the indecision any more and reach out to push them before opening outwards towards me and smacking me in the face.

Decided to teach 14 (almost 15) year old daughter responsible dressing rather than responsible drinking as seems more age appropriate and responsible parenting - obviously having considered hair net, flesh coloured slip and a cardigan I am now fairly confident in my expertise in this area.

Observe that 14 year old daughter is almost without fail always appropriately dressed and realise that have apparently already taught her this valuable lesson perhaps by osmosis or something and feel slightly smug.

Wonder if others (like that man who stood in front of me rocking back and forth as I drank my coffee the other day) are also attempting to absorb my wisdom by process of osmosis AND if in fact this DEPLETES my wisdom or is it infinite? (in which case of course I'm happy to share but in fact suspect that they are STEALING it which might explains why I am so crap at most things or would at least absolves me of some responsibility for being so crap).

Thanked SD profusely for rehanging my bathroom door as the pin in one hinge had broken and it rubbed on the floor without pointing out that it now rubs on the top of the frame and is not exactly FIXED but is at least different as remembered from dog training book that one must always give praise for effort.

Remember to go online to book appointments for parents evening at end of month with Miss Mac's teachers and attempt to be slightly less smug in the fact that Miss Mac obtained 14 A's (and 2 predicted A*) in her report and an achievement award for excellence (attempted smuglessness … failed dismally ...) as this is possibly in spite of rather than because of positive parenting efforts and, after futile search of wardrobe for suitable, responsible parent outfit to wear to parents evening consider asking if I can borrow monks robe (or similar) from disapproving wife of over privileged wanker.

Stop reading Helen Fielding as have clearly (presumably also by osmosis) picked up Bridget Jones diary style format of blog posting (although as pointed out by the delectable Feisty Cat am sexier, funnier and a much better hostess!) but will attempt to revert to more 'Fudge' style in future. (am also slightly disillusioned with latest offering from Fielding as she inexplicably jumped almost 20 years, killed off Mark Darcy and turned Daniel Cleaver into a pathetically caricatured shadow of his former self which, should I continue to absorb, could lead to similar in own life).

Become a better person.

Oh, and I've just remembered something I used to do a while ago which was mention my favourite post of the week along with a link so you can take a look too.

Well, this weeks it has to be Larry The Chin Hair by Flossing The Cat .  this lady hasn't blogged for a while, day to day life has just got in the way but I'm hoping we will see her a little more often.

Anyway, if you want a good laugh then please pop over and take a look - I promise you won't be disappointed!

I Am A Work In Progress (a recap)

In yesterdays post I included a link to a previous post - no one ever click on links do they (Ummm, obviously I do - honest!!!).

Anyway, I thought that to save you the trouble I would just repost the blog post again.  Then I remembered I'd done a follow up post to that one updating everyone on my progress.  Then I'd actually done a THIRD post a few months later with a recap and follow up.

So I'm going to repost them all starting with the first one from January 2014:

 

I Am A Work In Progress

Hello, it's me …

Remember me … ??

No?

Well, you are forgiven. It's been a while and I barely remember myself so here's a quick reminder (I was going to give it fancy Latin label but didn't want to be accused of being intellectual snob and also can't remember fancy Latin label … )

So, without any further ado:

'My name is Sarah and I am ( to be honest) a bit crap at most things ….'

I feel I should start with a confession (but I've already admitted to being a bit crap) ...

Or some resolutions for the new year …

Or maybe I'll just carry on regardless and hope you didn't notice I'd been gone (did you notice …??).

Fuckit I'll just combine the whole lot in the manner of someone creating a new recipe.

Who knows, maybe Fudge will become the new bread or sponge cake or Boeuf Bourguignon or, (as is more likely) a complicated knitting pattern.

Anyway, while I ponder that thought here are a few things I've been considering over the past weeks.

I will/will not/possibly should (but probably won't):

1. Take off make-up after a night out so that do not wake up with scary black caverns in place of eyes in pale face in manner of Edvard Munch scream painting but with additional mad Brian May hair and may even start plaiting hair before bed to avoid mad Brian May look the morning after (although slightly concerned that this might just be a short hop to wearing a hair net and bed-socks ….).
2. Will always (in the manner of Garfield) be sincere whether I mean it or not.
3. Will ascertain how drunk SD really is on Christmas Eve an hour after leaving him unattended and semi sober in the pub BEFORE replying to his drunken friends who say – 'I hear you are cooking chicken – can I come to dinner' in case he really HAS invited them!
4. Will not send joky text in reply to SD's drunken friends who ask – 'I hear you are cooking chicken for SD and Jon – can I come round too?' but will ignore them in dignified manner rather than say – 'of COURSE, the more the merrier!'
5. Will not panic when get text saying – 'Cool – me, Mark, Ray, Eddy, Neil, Rick, Sam and Luke are on the way' and start frantically counting the legs on the chicken muttering 'why the fuck do they only have two???' or send back text saying 'bring your own chairs'.
6. Will not run out of house (still wearing too short for casual day wear but  possibly ok for Christmas Eve in the pub dress ) and bang on neighbour round the corners door to borrow tin foil (and enquire about possible spare chicken legs) and return bearing tin foil, large roll of carpet, home-made chutney and a huge bunch of keys as clearly, other than home made chutney, cannot serve any of these to possible impending guests.
7. Will not at semi formal dinner party (obviously NOT mine ...) refer to or even think of fellow guest as an over privileged wanker.
8. Wear a dress that inexplicably rides DOWN revealing tits in manner of porn star.
9. Lean over table in porn star dress to reach desert wine (or spit disgusting dessert wine back into glass).
10. Wonder why very plain and disapproving looking wife of over privileged wanker appears to be wearing a monks robe in fetching plum colour presumably obtained from Joe Brown catalogue where they sell such things along with jacquard waistcoats and things that chop hard boiled eggs into neat slices but remember that have just flashed tits at her husband so no doubt she has reason to look disapproving regardless of what she's wearing.
11. Wear any dress that requires cycling shorts to be worn underneath and/or is see through ( but perhaps buy flesh coloured slip along with hairnet and bed socks with M&S Christmas voucher rather than gourmet chocolates and wine).
12. Remember to top up tin of Roses chocolate from secret box hidden in cupboard under the stairs so that no one knows I have eaten all the strawberry and orange creams (as well as the caramels …).

13. Teach daughter responsible drinking habits before next News Years Eve party.
14. Debate with self possibility that teaching daughter responsible drinking habits before next News Years Eve party is in fact irresponsible parenting as should obviously be condemning demon drink to impressionable 14 (although almost 15) year old.
15. Do not consider saying daughter is nearly 15 makes irresponsibly parenting somehow less irresponsible.
16. Dress appropriately at all times but in particular when attending school events and NOT wear t-shirt with slogan 'Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me?' to academic tutoring thingy in lecture theatre where, while waiting to see scary Scottish form tutor, am forced to sit in front row facing sea of teachers sitting round desks discussing children's progress with appropriately dressed parents (or alternatively take cardigan which buttons up to neck to hide t-shirt).
17. Buy cardigan.
18. Give unopened tin of Quality Street to deserving cause as Jan 6th is probably a reasonable time to stop eating chocolate for breakfast.
19. Aide Memoire (I knew it would come to me!!!).
20. Spend more time on personal grooming i.e. have eyebrows waxed on regular basis rather than just growing fringe to cover forehead and allowing eyebrows to run hither and thither across face like a lamb gambolling through a daisy strewn field in the Spring (although do not have actual daisies growing on forehead to my knowledge).
21. Remember that if I have to ask myself (or others) if it's a long top or a short dress then it's probably a long top!
22. Spend more time cleaning carpets and generally being a better person.

 

It's A Nice Day For A White Wedding ...

I recently saw a notice in the local paper proposing the building of a Garden Village.

I had no idea what this meant so I did a bit of investigating  - this is what Wiki told me:

The garden city movement is a method of urban planning that was initiated in 1898 by Sir Ebenezer Howard in the United Kingdom. Garden cities were intended to be planned, self-contained communities surrounded by "greenbelts", containing proportionate areas of residences, industry, and agriculture.

Well, then I realised that we already have a Garden Village locally.

Cotford St Luke is on the Minehead road and was built on the site of Tone Vale Hospital and the Cotford Asylum in the 90's.

Much of the original buildings were demolished or converted into housing.

The hospitals chapel which is grade II listed has been converted into a pub and on Saturday SD and I were invited to a meal there to celebrate a friends Birthday.

The food was pretty good, a mixture of primarily Thai dishes with a few English dishes for the less adventurous.

The building itself is stunning inside and out!

Image credit

 Anyway, this isn't really a post about Cotford OR The Chapel (as the pub is called).  It's more about what happened AFTER!

At the end of the meal a few of us decided to continue the evening at a pub local to me called Molly Malones.

As the name suggests, it's an Irish pub run by a very Irish landlady (who also owns the Racehorse across the road).

Scary Mary as she is known runs a tight ship.  Her pubs tend to attract the slightly insalubrious elements (no, I'm NOT talking about me!!!) but she's a 5ft nothing fireball and no one messes with Mary so there is rarely any trouble.

To be honest, any raucous behaviour often finds Mary herself at the centre and she has been known to demand bands keep playing long after the cut off point of 12 am while she dances on the tables.

Anyway, a band was playing on Saturday, One 4 The Road - not the most imaginative of names but the music was good and as soon as we had our drinks Jon, the Birthday Boy, grabbed me by the hand and span me around like a spinning top on a polished parquet floor with me grimly hanging on to the bottom of my dress as it rode up my thighs threatening to expose my entire bum to the crowds (which some may say is a slight improvement on the dress I wore to a formal dinner party which inexplicably rode DOWN so I was flashing my boobs at the over privileged wanker opposite me - you can read about THAT here if you like - and luckily this time there were no extremely plain wives wearing monks robes to look disapprovingly at me).

ANYWAY!!!

As I said, Marys pubs tend to attract interesting characters and we very soon became aware of one rather worse for wear gentleman who was dancing enthusiastically and singing along with the band.

He was clearly a Punk Rocker with his piercings and his head shaved but for the two inch mohawk stripe down the centre of his head.

He was such a happy chap jumping around, arms flailing, knocking the pool ques out of their holders every few minutes before carefully replacing them each time.

And then I noticed something odd (well, ODDER!) - His Punk credentials were slightly marred by the fact that he appeared to be wearing a dress over his baggy jeans ...  I looked closer ...  Yep, definitely a ladies dress which came almost down to his knees in a kind of soft cotton, a grey/blue in colour with a tiny white flower print and dainty puffed sleeves ...

And then he spotted me!

I don't know what it is about me that attracts people like that but he decided he wanted to dance with me.

Now I'll dance with pretty much anyone and to be honest, he wasn't taking no for an answer anyway.  It wasn't so much dancing as me trying to avoid his windmill arms so I didn't get a black eye with SD and friends convulsed with laughter as they watched from the sidelines.

Then he took his dress off and things pretty much went downhill from there.

Eventually I escaped and hid behind Jon (who is 6ft 4" and fairly wide) while SD continued to laugh at me.

But he hadn't seen what I saw ...

Making his way purposefully across the room was Billy The Butcher - now technically he SHOULD be called Billy The Boner as he works in an abattoir boning carcasses but that name has rather unfortunate connotations so we call him the butcher.

Billy is another interesting character.  He's about 5ft 8" and wiry built with very straight hair which hangs forward kind of like a mop.

Billy would look rather like this if he wore a crown although his hair is very dark ...  In addition, Billy has a moustache like a Mexican bandit and very starey eyes which never seem to blink and very few teeth.

Billy is very serious at all times and you can clearly imagine him with a curved fine bladed knife making short work of a whole pig.

You don't mess with Billy and Billy LOVES SD!!!

I mean REALLY loves him.

I mean REALLY REALLY loves him!

I don't know what it is, maybe it's hair envy or something ...

Billy moves silently and gracefully through the crowds , his lithe movements on a par with snake hips Joe who is swaying gently at the bar - snake hips Joe is usually known as one armed Joe (lost an one arm a few years ago - long story ...) until he starts to dance and then he looks like all he needs is a pole and a vat of baby oil.

Talking of poles - it turned out that the punk rocker was a Polish migrant named Erik.  When the band played their final song he asked if we knew anywhere there might still be music so we suggested he tried the Racehorse as their licence allowed them a later finishing time.

He shook his head sorrowfully - 'I not go there' he said, 'It is not permitted'  he added sadly.  'The lady there, she think I am ...  Stupid ...'

Anyway, BEFORE that Billy suddenly appeared in front of SD and shook his hair slightly at him.  It kind of reminded me of that dueling banjo thing, you know, where they take it in turns to play faster and more complicated tunes on the banjo.  I think Billy fully expected SD to give a little head shake of his own back but SD just stared at him like a rabbit caught in the headlights.

Billy gave another couple of tentative shakes, paused for a moment and when SD didn't appropriately respond, puffed and errant hair out of his mouth before clicked his fingers in SD's face as he jerked his head to the left indicating SD should dance with him.

SD's fingers tightened on my arm, Billy stared him down and, with another shake of his head moved towards the dance floor.

Like I said, you don't mess with Billy - if Billy wants to dance, you dance!

SD shuffled across the dance floor pulling me with him and started to sway in time to the music looking straight ahead as Billy swayed and gyrated around him and the half naked Polish Punk Rocker (who was on his knees at this point) serenaded me with Billy Idols 'White Wedding'.

Yep, all in all, it was a pretty good night ...

Revealing Myself In The Bathroom!

Ok, so the photos aren't as good as I'd wanted them to be partly because this is a really difficult room to photograph due to lots of corners and two windows throwing shadows and light all over the place and partly because the camera on my phone has thrown in the towel so I borrowed Miss Macs and I can't work out how to focus it.

Anyway, enough excuses!

Remember I said I really wanted this for my bathroom:

But it was out of my price range (because it's a real deal vintage Snap On cabinet)

But I DID have this:

 An oak cabinet picked up on Ebay for a few quid.

WELL ...

After taking it outside and giving it a good sanding to take off the varnish I gave it a coat of undercoat:

Then two coats of gloss paint - added a sticker and voila!

 Yes, that's a Massey Furguson sticker (as in the tractor manufacturer) rather than a Snap On sticker but SD REALLY wanted a Massey cabinet and, as he has helped me so much with my bathroom, I gave in.

I love the bright splash of colour against the grey.

Also - remember this:

The bamboo corner laundry bin that sits next to my bath and is just used as a table.

I still wanted to keep it as it's really useful and it sits there perfectly but it just didn't fit in any more.

I had a kind of a brain storm and knew exactly what I wanted to do with it so that it fitted in with my municipal baths meets work shop style bathroom but I wasn't sure if I could pull it off.

But what was the worst that could happen?

So I took it outside (you know where this is going don't you ...)

Sanded it down lightly - undercoated it:

Gave it a couple of coats of gloss paint and added some stickers ...

 I've no idea where the idea for turning it into an oil drum came from - like I said - a bit of a brain storm I think ...

Anyway, I'm REALLY pleased with the way it turned out although on reflection I think it might have been better to have it say Petroleum because there was enough space but to be honest, it was a bloody nightmare getting those stickers right so maybe not ...

What else ...

Well, there is this:

 A red enamel candlestick holder picked up at our local antiques market for a couple of quid and that candle which SD found in a drawer at the farm which must be 40 odd years old and was once white!

I'm using it as a plug holder - I do have a brass plug for the bath but it's not fitted yet.

And this:

 It's the ring part of a latch for a garden gate that we found in a box of junk at the farm, it's been cleaned up and I'm using it as a towel holder next to the sink.

Then there's this:

 The toolbox drawer shelf unit on the wall next to the sink - I'm still looking for bits and pieces to sit in it but at the moment it houses a few medicine bottles that SD's Dad dug out of the hedge at the farm and a couple of small oil bottles with stoppers that I bought ages ago from a charity shop.

Hanging from it is this:

A metal measuring jug for our toothpaste and brushes.

There's also this:

The oversized clock on the wall is from The Range and was a present from SD - the sign also came from The Range and the tools on the wall are from various antiques shops, Ebay and from the farm.

This is pretty much what you see when you go into my bathroom.

The blue tin tub on the wall is actually from Asda and is supposed to be for cold drinks for BBQ's - it's even got a bottle opener on the side of it!

Under it is this:

Another present from SD - a metal retro calendar with magnets to ring the month and day.

Above the window next to the sink is a hammer which is still in use and so handy when the tool box is up in the shed and you need to put up a picture!

The bathroom IS still a work in progress - I still need to steam punk that mirror and there may be a few other things going up on the wall at some point but for now I'm saying it's done! *


*Mostly because I want to bore you next with my dining room which has been decorated but I still have things I want to do to it ...

Super Mum V Teen Logic ...

If you have teenagers (or have ever had teenagers of your own) I'm sure you will totally emphathise with the conversation I had with Miss Mac last night.

She came home from college saying that she was going out with a friend and wouldn't be home for tea as they were going to stop by at KFC for some monosodium glutamate with a side order of salt.

That after I'd especially defrosted a 12 pack of Sainsburys finest sausages (to be served with roast potatoes, veg and gravy).

THE INGRATITUDE!!!

(I would like to say at this point that my assumption that Val was talking about putting her socks on when she said "I put my little sausage biscuits in the microwave" was perfectly justifiable (In my humble opinion) given the aversion she has for those appendages attached to the end of ankles and indeed I thought it was SHE who was talking in euphemisms!.

ANYWAY ...

Miss Mac went to her bedroom to change out of her already perfectly respectable clothes and to retouch her already perfectly applied make up before meeting her friend.

Hearing much rummaging and clattering (with a smattering of bad language) issuing from her room I went to investigate.

Miss Mac it seems had mislaid her bank card which she needed to take out some money to pay for her KFC.

I was reasonable and logical ...  No sniggering at the back!

When did she last have it?

A few days ago when she checked her banking online.

Where did she do that?

In her bedroom.

Ergo - the bank card MUST be in her bedroom right?

But apparently she had looked EVERYWHERE and it wasn't!

Reasonably and logically I pointed out that if it wasn't in her bedroom it MUST be somewhere else and therefore that can't have been the last time she used it.

Miss Mac was impressed with my powers of deduction ...

She ran up and down the stairs a few times.  Emptied bags and pockets on to sofas, floors and tables.  Bemoaned the fact that her life was now OVER and slumped onto the (now overcrowded) sofa to sob a little.

Super Mum that I am I took control.

I stripped her bed in case that pesky card had somehow got caught up in the covers.  I pulled the bed away from the wall in case it had found it's way down the side.  I pulled out all of the storage boxes from under the bed, emptied her beside table drawer onto the floor and pulled all of the dirty clothes out of the linen bin.

Then there was  knock at the door - her friend had arrived.

I heard her tell her the bad news and, in response to her friends question I heard her assure her that her bedroom was quite tidy so no, she hadn't just lost it in the detritus of teen living.

I guiltily surveyed the maelstrom that was now her bedroom with clothes, makeup and sheets festooning the floor and then I spied it!!!

The missing bank card WAS in her bedside table drawer (which is where she swore she had put it), the card was flat against the front of the drawer with the blue side against it so that the back of the card, which was white faced out and was almost invisible against the white of the inside of the drawer.

'FOUND IT'  I shouted down but, UMMMM, well your bedroom might NOT be quite as tidy as it was ...

Miss Mac ran upstairs and joyfully thanked me surveyed her completely trashed room in horror.

'I hope you are going to put all that back as you found it' she said which is surely MY line???

'But I only did it to find your card so you could go out and you wouldn't have to contact the bank and get them to issue a new card and so that you wouldn't have to ask me if you could borrow money until it came through and then never pay it back ....'

'AND I FOUND YOUR CARD YOUR UNGRATEFUL CHILD!!!'

Miss Mac thought for a while and then said:

'Well, I still think you should tidy it up because you were the one who bought me that bedside table and, if you hadn't, then I wouldn't have had a drawer to loose my card in in the first place and we wouldn't have had this problem'.

What Would YOUR Sheep Name Be

I did mean to post this yesterday but time just got away from me.
 I was pretty impressed by some of the suggestions people had for their sheep name but you CAN'T really be sure what it is for certain without taking the quiz.

So, if you really want to know what your sheep name is then take the quiz below and don't forget to let me know what it is (I have an idea what some of you will get and I'd be interested to see if I was right).

***

I know you've all been hanging out for this so I've spent the last couple of days putting together a very useful quiz which will help you to determine what your SHEEP name should be.


So, without further ado let's find out what YOUR sheep name would be!


Question no 1.  What's your favourite colour?

a)  Cerulean

b)  Magenta

c)  Ecru

d) Those aren't colours, they are FOOD (you can't catch me out!).


Question no 2.  On a blind date would you rather your date:

a)  Wore a jumper he'd knitted himself.

b)  Drank orange juice and coke mixed in the same glass.

c)  Had big sweat marks under his nylon clad pits and generated enough static from said shirt to power a small sub station.

d)  Was in a different county.



Question no 3.  Whilst on holiday have you ever:

a)  Been head butted and had your nose broken.

b)  Dyed any of your offspring (or yourself) blue.

c)  Been invited by a member of a coven to a ritual burning.

d)  No, but I was once caught cleaning snails with a toothbrush and a hosepipe by my next door neighbour.



Question no 4. If someone handed you a rope and said 'Sort this out and tell me when something's     happening'  would you:

a)  Twirl the rope in your hand whilst looking around waiting for something to happen.

b)  Contemplate your feet as they slowly sink into 12 inches of cow shit.

c)  Make a Macrame hanging pot holder and a few crocheted flowers with it.

d)  Wander off and take a photo of a bush.



If your answers were mostly A's Then your sheep name is EWEnice :

You have a kind heart (although perhaps a wonky nose).  You are often confused by the things that most people take for granted but at least you don't have cow shit between your toes.


If your answers were mostly B's then your sheep name is RAMbo:

You're a bit odd aren't you?  Everybody knows that magenta isn't a real colour, it's a kind of cornmeal porridge thing that you grill (sometimes mispronounced as POLenta).  You often have cow shit between your toes but most people are too busy looking at your blue child to notice.

If your answers were mostly C's then your sheep name is BAAAbra.


You are a well grounded down to earth sort of person.  People turn to you for advice on many matter ranging from laundry tips to energy savings.  Mostly you can't answer them but it doesn't matter as you are always happy to knit them a scarf.


If your answers were mostly D's then your sheep name is EWEgine (or Ewegina)

You are possibly the cleverest of all people!!  Nothing catches you out, you have a mind like a very small planet, possibly even one as large as Uranus (can you tell which answers SD gave yet ...) you are kind to gastropods and shrubs.


If you thought any or all of these questions were silly, pointless or irrelevant then your sheep name is:

BAArba RAMalangadingdong and I do SO hope you have a pleasant day whilst this song plays on a loop in your head :-)

Got a feeling this post is going to go VIRAL! (or at the very least have a slight temperature ...)

Ps. if you have any burning questions and feel that one of my quizzes may help to give you the answers you so crave then please feel free to ask - I have many useful insights and much untapped wisdom that I am always happy to share ...

Packing Tips and Other Useful Stuff (no, not really ...)

Now I KNOW that I should be writing a new and original post, it seems like AGES since I did!

BUT!!!

Well, I'm DECORATING doncha know and I'm SO busy!!!  So I thought, seeing as everyone I know seems to be planning their Summer holidays right now (and no, I'm NOT jealous because I have lot of stuff planned too)I thought I would be very helpful and re-run this post because you may all be so busy with life in general that you just don't have time to make useful lists of all those things that really make a holiday go smoothly.

You can thank me after you've read it if you like ...

****

I just read a Facebook status from a fellow blogger - actually, she's not a FELLOW blogger, she's a lady with one of those mega blogs that I don't even aspire to because they look like FAR too much hard work ...

Anyway, the status update read:

'Best packing tip... GO!'

And she's so far had over 80 fricking replies!!

I KNOW!!

You know what my latest update said?  Well, no, you don't so I'll tell you ...

'Complete panic with much screaming and some bad language when I couldn't turn the hot tap off!!!

Then I turned it the other way ... I should have been an engineer or something ...'

And you know what I've got??

One solitary 'like' - one ...  One ...  ONE!!!

Anyway, to return to the point ...

Most of her replies said things like:

' Yes! Roll your clothes into matching outfits, including accessories, and stuff them into those a4 size glad bags.' (that  one got 5 likes)


'Pack a light change of clothes in your carry on in case of lost luggage.' (6 likes for that one)

Lots of them said use zip lock bags (whatever they are) for your toiletries and use plenty of tissue paper between layers ....

Seriously??

Get real people, you don't need ANY of that stuff!!

You know what MY holiday essentials are?

1) Protective head gear (for those times your daughter exits the awning at the same time you enter and BREAKS YOUR BLOODY NOSE!

2) A sick bag and blindfold for when you take the cliff path Lamorna and you get 90 % of the way there and the damned cliff path has crumbled into the sea and there is a 4" ledge to walk along for several feet with a 200ft drop to certain death with no barrier AND SD won't even entertain the idea of turning back because he can SMELL the coffee from the little cafe at the harbour.

3)  Proper sun cream to avoid having to stop at a little shop in the middle of nowhere to buy blue kids stuff that turns your daughter into a Smurf.

4) A large basket to hang over your arm as you cycle through the country lanes so you can pick up the potatoes that fall off the back of the tractor that just thundered past you scaring the shit out of you and take them back to cook over the gas ring (I recommend slicing them thinly and kind of TOASTING them) - as I once said, don't think of it as picking stuff up off the road, think of it as foraging or vegetarian road kill or something ...

5) Toilet roll (self explanatory really ...).

6) A local dialect book (in my case that would been Cornish) so that when they say things like 'Heller' you don't confuse them with posh gits from Bloomsbury and think it some kind of greeting when in fact what they actually said was that your child is the devils spawn.

7) A variety of hair pieces to save you time and to ensure that you always look perfect groomed ...  Actually, I confess - that ISN'T really one of mine (but don't you just LOVE how it blended in seamlessly ...), it was in fact a packing tip from a member of the TOWIE (The Only Was Is Essex) cast but it COULD be a real time saver for SD and I don't you think??

So yes, I think that about covers it and I am of to pop my very useful tips onto that bloggers thread, I'm sure she will be MOST impressed and I hope you have found them useful too ...

Last night SD and I passed this lovely little cottage in the country with a small field in front of it containing 5 sheep.  Now I have a love/hate relationship with sheep as you will know as in, used to love 'em/now hate 'em but it did look like such an idyllic set up and it set me musing ...

You know those FB quizzes?  Yes, you know you do! - they kind of suck you in don't they?

I mean, who DOESN'T want to know which book you should read based on your zodiac sign or which Hogwarts house you belong in or how much you have in common with Taylor Swift or which Telly Tubby you are ...

So, I thought, how about ....

WHAT WOULD YOUR SHEEP NAME BE!!!

I know, I almost choked on my own saliva when I came up with that one!!!

I'm torn between two, mine would either be:

Sylvester - no, NOT Sylvester sheep but after Stallone ie RAMbo  OR ....

Bloody hell, can you believe I've actually FORGOTTEN the other one ....  It was REALLY good too, even better than Sylvester.  I KNEW I should have text it to myself ...  I shall text myself now to remind myself to ask SD to remind me what it was I forgot ...

What would YOUR sheep name be?  Can YOU come up with any FB quizzes as good as that one?


if anyone is interested I DID in fact write that quiz and could rerun it tomorrow if you like and at some point I might even write an original and show you that bathroom which is 96.5% finished (just a few additional touches I'd like to make) AND eventually I'll even show you the dining room (which is about 87.3% finished!)

Wookiees and Watches (a re-run)

 So yesterday Sam commented on my post and said she thought she might have been shopping at the wrong Supermarkets.

Well, it got me thinking ...  I've written quite a few posts about my shopping experiences. From the perils of buying control pants to the scourge of the self checkout and a few in between.

So anyway, I thought, why not re-post them (partly because my camera on my pone has completely given up the ghost now so until I get a new one I can't show you my complete bathroom - yes, I said COMPLETE!!!).

I am a bit of a liability when it comes to shopping, I can't really deny it and I'm very pleased to say that I seem to have passed this talent on to my daughter.

See  for yourself ...

 

Wookiees and Watches 

God, those FB quizzes!!!


Do you get sucked in???

I DO ... occasionally ... sometimes ... when I'm bored ... hardly ever!!

So one of my 'friends' did one about how many children were you meant to have and I gave it a go.

I got 15!!!


FIFTEEN for god's sake - I practically FELT my uterus wince!

I moved on pretty quickly to 'What Kind Of Alien Are You?' because frankly, that seemed less scary and guess what I got??

You got: Wookiee

You’re cool and unpretentious, and extremely loyal to your friends and family. You have a lot of talents, and you’re generally a helpful person to have around.

I mean, HOW DID THEY KNOW???

Seriously, I've written many MANY post about how helpful I am, I even titled one 'Sarah Helps Out' and then there was this one 'Helpful (Oh Yes I Am)' and, as you know, there are LOADS of other examples on this blog of just how helpful I am!

(obviously I am FAR too unpretentious to link to them though ....)

And then check THIS out and tell me those FB quizzes don't know what they are talking about!

I went into Boots the other day with Miss Mac as she wanted some photos from her phone printed out to go in the year book she is putting together as a reminder of her school days.

Standing at the counter waiting to be served I glanced over at the next till where a very young lad, tall and skinny, was serving someone.

I nudged Miss Mac and whispered:

'Have you SEEN the size of his watch?'

(It was HUGE - like about 3" across and it looked even bigger on his skinny wrist).

Miss Mac looked a little startled and frowned at me.

'Look' I said, 'it's MASSIVE - why would you want one that big?'.

She continued to look puzzled and, to be honest, just a little scared.

'L O O K  A T  I T'   I insisted - I've never seen one that big before - just LOOK at it!'

She shrugged and leaned over the counter and stared at his nether regions.

'What are you DOING' I hissed pulling her back.

'I'm looking at his cro ....

'WATCH - I told you to look at his WATCH!!!'

My, What A Lovely Blouse (and other chat up lines)

My hormones directed me to Tesco Express earlier this evening.  They were demanding jam tarts - strictly speaking they were only demanding the apricot jam tarts but, as you too have probably had reason to lament, the apricot ones only come in packs with other flavours.

I'm pretty sure you can buy a pack of all strawberry ones and I'm fairly certain I've seen packs of lemon ones too so why no one has yet had the foresight to make packs exclusively of apricot tarts I have no idea!

While I was waiting at the very busy checkout salivating slightly at the thought of sinking my teeth into that lovely luminous orange synthetically flavoured jelly plonked in the middle of pale, soft, cardboard tasting pastry I felt a slight bump on my bottom.  I shuffled forwards a couple of inches until my nose was several inches closer than I would have liked it to be to the damp, rather musty smelling jacket with a dusting of dandruff on the shoulders of the man in front of me.

Again, I felt a tap on my posterior.  I jiggled to the left silently bemoaning that the concept of personal space had obviously completely bypassed the person behind me.

The third time my backside was assaulted (I said ass!) I turned to give the assailant (I said ass again!!!) a stern look.

He grinned at me in a kind of cross eyed, toothless way and inclined his head indicating the bottle of the bottle of cows arse (I said arse that time) cider clutched in his grubby hand.

I looked away.

He nudged me again ...

I looked back.

He nodded vigorously at the bottle and, for good measure, shook it in my face.

'Sooooo ...' he said ...

I cocked an eyebrow (I said ... never mind ...)

'Do you do much ...  Swimming ...?'

It's not the first time I've been fortunate enough to be on the receiving end of such an eloquent chat up line.

There's an odd little man I bump into on a fairly frequent basis who never fails to ask me if I've been to any good jumble sales lately.

Then of course there's the street sweeper with the lazy eye and mad hair like those little springs you get in pens who tells me I'm a fine looking lass and he's always fancied me and asks me if I want to go and see his 'orses.

Eric the tramp who, when he bumped into me in the middle of town on a busy Saturday would insist on lifting his shirt up so I could inspect his rash.

I was once told when waiting for a bus that I had lovely toenails and followed down the street whilst on my way to a PTA meeting by a man who say Bryan Adams 'Everything I do' (I do it for you) to me.

And, it's not just in person that I have been so fortunate.

OH NO!!!

Sarah Mac has been (in the dim and distant past) in the fortunate position of being pursued in prose, of being showered with flowery flattery - HAS in fact been chatted up, cajoled and seduced by a variety of the good, the bad and the downright bloody mad on a dating website.

Some of my favourite chat up lines have appeared before on Fudge but such a long time ago that I thought they might be worthy of another outing.

In no particular order ...

'Could you be my soil mate'

'sudece my boby if you like whot you see...

'heve you dan 3 same be 4 id couple? '

'Hello, I will like to know you and be your frined, if you are interested can you get in torch with me.'

One lovely gentleman who's  invitation to meet I politely declined replied saying:

Thanks, I quite appreciate your frankness and wish you well but in case you have a friend that might be interested in me let me know i don't mind coming to see the fellow.

The oddest (and most intriguing) one I received:

“'do you scuba dive and keep bees? If so, you are an enigma and possibly my ideal woman”.

 

And, when my details were shared on a toy boy website (without my knowledge and I didn't even know such a thing existed!) I was inundated by rather dubious requests from some VERY young men - to one I was forced to reply:

 'Alex, I have a CAT older than you!'

Oh, and if you were wondering - the 'My, What a lovely blouse' line is SD insists, his MOST successful chat up line ever ...