Wednesday, 6 April 2016

My, What A Lovely Blouse (and other chat up lines)

My hormones directed me to Tesco Express earlier this evening.  They were demanding jam tarts - strictly speaking they were only demanding the apricot jam tarts but, as you too have probably had reason to lament, the apricot ones only come in packs with other flavours.

I'm pretty sure you can buy a pack of all strawberry ones and I'm fairly certain I've seen packs of lemon ones too so why no one has yet had the foresight to make packs exclusively of apricot tarts I have no idea!

While I was waiting at the very busy checkout salivating slightly at the thought of sinking my teeth into that lovely luminous orange synthetically flavoured jelly plonked in the middle of pale, soft, cardboard tasting pastry I felt a slight bump on my bottom.  I shuffled forwards a couple of inches until my nose was several inches closer than I would have liked it to be to the damp, rather musty smelling jacket with a dusting of dandruff on the shoulders of the man in front of me.

Again, I felt a tap on my posterior.  I jiggled to the left silently bemoaning that the concept of personal space had obviously completely bypassed the person behind me.

The third time my backside was assaulted (I said ass!) I turned to give the assailant (I said ass again!!!) a stern look.

He grinned at me in a kind of cross eyed, toothless way and inclined his head indicating the bottle of the bottle of cows arse (I said arse that time) cider clutched in his grubby hand.

I looked away.

He nudged me again ...

I looked back.

He nodded vigorously at the bottle and, for good measure, shook it in my face.

'Sooooo ...' he said ...

I cocked an eyebrow (I said ... never mind ...)

'Do you do much ...  Swimming ...?'

It's not the first time I've been fortunate enough to be on the receiving end of such an eloquent chat up line.

There's an odd little man I bump into on a fairly frequent basis who never fails to ask me if I've been to any good jumble sales lately.

Then of course there's the street sweeper with the lazy eye and mad hair like those little springs you get in pens who tells me I'm a fine looking lass and he's always fancied me and asks me if I want to go and see his 'orses.

Eric the tramp who, when he bumped into me in the middle of town on a busy Saturday would insist on lifting his shirt up so I could inspect his rash.

I was once told when waiting for a bus that I had lovely toenails and followed down the street whilst on my way to a PTA meeting by a man who say Bryan Adams 'Everything I do' (I do it for you) to me.

And, it's not just in person that I have been so fortunate.

OH NO!!!

Sarah Mac has been (in the dim and distant past) in the fortunate position of being pursued in prose, of being showered with flowery flattery - HAS in fact been chatted up, cajoled and seduced by a variety of the good, the bad and the downright bloody mad on a dating website.

Some of my favourite chat up lines have appeared before on Fudge but such a long time ago that I thought they might be worthy of another outing.

In no particular order ...

'Could you be my soil mate'

'sudece my boby if you like whot you see...

'heve you dan 3 same be 4 id couple? '

'Hello, I will like to know you and be your frined, if you are interested can you get in torch with me.'

One lovely gentleman who's  invitation to meet I politely declined replied saying:

Thanks, I quite appreciate your frankness and wish you well but in case you have a friend that might be interested in me let me know i don't mind coming to see the fellow.

The oddest (and most intriguing) one I received:

“'do you scuba dive and keep bees? If so, you are an enigma and possibly my ideal woman”.
And, when my details were shared on a toy boy website (without my knowledge and I didn't even know such a thing existed!) I was inundated by rather dubious requests from some VERY young men - to one I was forced to reply:

 'Alex, I have a CAT older than you!'

Oh, and if you were wondering - the 'My, What a lovely blouse' line is SD insists, his MOST successful chat up line ever ...


joeh said...

I never had any success with "do you scuba dive and keep bees?" line. It might have been my delivery.

Women are so difficult.

Di said...

OMG - you little tinker! Almost needing dry panties here :) Too funny!!

And I hate peeps who invade my space, male, female or even in between - it just isn't right or allowed! Take cricket bat when shopping is my motto :) Swift wallop always seems to work :)


Di said...

HA! Forgot to say in comment re. cricket bat - I do play for Hampshire :) x

Val said...

Heh, heh! I see by your ass(es) that you are campaigning for vice-president of the 13-Year-Old-Self Club.

I only HOPE it was a bottle of cider that guy was poking you with...

You attract a different clientele than I do. A woman once followed me through the grocery store and stroked my arm, telling me I was SO PRETTY, and asking if I was married, since she didn't see a wedding ring on my hand. A guy in the same store, on a different day, came up behind me and tried to hand me a wad of cash. I just stared at him, until he said, "Oh. Wrong person." And handed that cash to a dowdy old woman next to me who might have been his mother.

SARN said...

I have CLEARLY led a sheltered life! Or I go to the wrong supermarket! LOL! xxx

Sarah said...

Could have been Joe ... It's a tricky one to pull off ...

Glad you clarified that Di ;-) I am ashamed to admit that I live 5 minutes from Somerset County Ground and have never been inside ...

I am, I AM Val - how am I doing??? God, I REALLY hope it was his cider bottle. As a wise man once said 'it's just as well we all like different things or everyone would be after my squaw'. You can keep the man who tried to give you money or, on second thoughts, maybe you should have taken it and run?

Come shopping with me Sam, you wouldn't believe some of the stuff that goes on ... xxx