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Thursday, 7 July 2011

The gift that just keeps giving

Today I lost my best friend.

It’s funny.  I’m a really private person and yet, despite knowing that people I know read this I spill my guts in ways on here that I’d never do on somewhere like Face Book.

Maybe it’s that one step of detachment.  The lack of an immediate response.  The knowledge that before someone writes a comment on here they have probably given it some thought first, it’s not going to just be a throw away remark. That seems so unfair to my friends, they have been amazing and kept me going through some pretty tough times and I love them for it.

Maybe my defences are just low right now and I’ll regret opening up the private part of my life.

Like I said before, this isn’t what I started blogging for.  My blog is lighthearted, a bit of fun, designed to make people laugh at the stupid ‘things’ that I do or that happen to me.

That is the real me too but there are some things I find I just can’t laugh about.

Losing my best friend ranks pretty high on the shit things that seem to be happening right now.

So, despite my positive thoughts yesterday I’ve realised that sometimes my belief isn’t enough.  Sometimes I need someone to believe in me.

My best friend doesn’t believe in me and it’s breaking my heart.

I read lots of blogs for many different reasons and I KNOW so many people are facing things that are so much harder than the things I have to deal with.  I see their courage alongside their pain and I admire them so much.

I keep telling myself how much I have to be thankful for but somehow, knowing that doesn’t make it all ok.

Time is a healer, I know that. I won’t be this unhappy forever. Maybe on day I’ll find a new best friend, seems inconceivable right now, no one could ever take my best friends place.

I want to be happy. But for now, the sun has gone off my rock.

So why am I telling you this?  I guess I just wanted to explain why I haven’t replied to all of the comments on other posts.  I have read them and I DO really appreciate them.  I’m just struggling to find the words at the moment.

I think I need to take a little time out. Maybe go and have a rant at 02 who still not only persist in sending me the message telling me to top up at least 10 times a day but have also decided that I need the message telling me my best friend doesn’t believe in me 8 times in the last fucking hour.

 Like I needed reminding!

11 comments:

Lou said...

Oh Sarah..Life really does seem to be throwing pretty much everything at you at the moment.

To tell you that it will get better is probably the last thing that you need to hear.

Losing a friend is a truly horrid thing to have to deal with, and when I started to read your post, I thought that your best friend had died. Reading further on I realise that this isn't the case, and something has happened that is beyond the scope of repair. Perhaps what I am going to say is totally the wrong thing to say, but it is something that I have always believed to be true, and always will do.

There are many people that we meet in our lives, but the number of true friends we make can usually be counted on just one hand, and more often than not on only one or two fingers. The truest friends we have in the world are the ones who accept us for what we are, warts and all. Who know that it is ok to be brutally open and honest, and that although there may be repercussions, they will pass and life will carry on. With a true friend it does not matter what mistakes are made, or what awful things are said because there is an unspoken bond that can never be broken.

There have been one or two occassions in my life so far when I mistook friendship for that kind of lifelong friendship, only to find that I had been mistaken and that the friendship wasn;t what I believed it to be - at least not on their part. The loss of a friend is painful and it makes us question ourselves - but if this person was a true best friend in every sense of the word, the friendship could never be broken no matter what.

I have found over the years that I am very lucky in the friends department - I have a couple of friends who I know I can count on no matter what, no matter how much time passes without contact, and no matter what crazy insane messes I get myself into. These are my true best friends.

Maybe this will help you to make sense of whatever it is that has happened and see your friend in a different light. Maybe you are just thinking "Bugger off Lou and leave me be". I have no clue, but I hope that it helps, even if only a teeny tiny smidgeon.

You constantly make me smile with the tales of your life, and as a blogging buddy, I value that connection.

If I lived closer, I would be popping round now for a cuppa and give you a hugely enormous squeeze, to let you know that people do care about you, and want you to be smiling again.

Sending you a huge cyber hug
xxx

Sarah Mac said...

Thank you Lou (which is a REALLY short reply to such a lovely comment). I can't imagine that you would ever offend me or that I'd want you to 'bugger off' :)

A cup of tea and a hug sound pretty damn good to me right now! xxx

Anne said...

I agree with Lou Sarah. So many times through my life, I've thought some people were true friends when in the end they weren't. You can count my 'true' friends on one hand and those are the ones I rely on, if I do indeed rely on them. Life's taught me that there's no one really like family to stick by you through the thick and the thin.

Thanks for commenting on my 'routine' post. It would be nice to pick out the things I like doing and not have to put up with the things that I 'have' to do but I really don't mind. I take the good with the bad and I really do love my kids. I also really love my routine and looking forward to it coming home next week! LOL

Anne xx

Sarah Mac said...

Thank you Anne. I haven't really given a full picture in my post, more just the way I feel about things.

There wasn't any kind falling out as such. More a combination of circumstances that could have either had a positive or negative affect. Sadly we felt differently.

I still believe in my best friend, I just believe they have made a mistake but I also respect everyone's right to make their own decisions so maybe, for them, it was the right one.

I'm always going to feel the loss but I do truly wish them happiness.

I'm So Fancy said...

Every time I've been upset about a lost "friendship" I've realized a new freedom. And sometimes I've reconnected with that person and sometimes not. But it still sucks. xx

Sarah Mac said...

It does suck Fancy, big time! I'd love to believe this was a blip and I KNOW it's not what they really want (not because I'm kidding myself, not quite that deluded yet but because they admit it). It all seems so pointless, such a waste. I feel like my choices have been taken away.

It does give me a new kind of freedom I guess. Not one that I want at the moment admittedly but hopefully one I'll adjust to. xx

Lou said...

I am sure that given a little time, you will come out the other side of this, and life will be good.

Remember the next 7 days are going to be good ones...Perhaps I should try and smuggle you into my suitcase and take you for a holiday in LA with me.

Aha, that reminds me - discovered your other pages today, and wanted to let you know that I met my S through an internet dating site, so I know first hand just how uplifting they can be.

You should bob over and read my blog sometime (actually maybe you already do...lol)

Anyway, off to watch some crap tv with a cuppa and choccie biscuit.

You take care and think positively - failing that, I can always try and smuggle you into my suitcase on Sunday!

Lou :-) xxx

Sarah Mac said...

Bloody hell Lou, I was convinced I DID read your blog!! Talk about self absorbed lol. God knows which one I thought it was :)

I am heading over there right now to remedy this massive oversight, I have a feeling it's a goodun!

Oh, and if there is a spare corner in your suitcase ............ xxx

Sarah Mac said...

Bloody hell Lou, I was convinced I DID read your blog!! Talk about self absorbed lol. God knows which one I thought it was :)

I am heading over there right now to remedy this massive oversight, I have a feeling it's a goodun!

Oh, and if there is a spare corner in your suitcase ............ xxx

Lou said...

Lol Sarah - I didn't mean for you to do that - head over and start following me.

You know what - I really think that once you get through this down spot, you are going to pick up and be just as crazy as you were before, if not more crazy - in a good way of course!

:-)

Sarah Mac said...

Yes, but it's the crazy part of me Lou that thought I was ALREADY following you! You've just blown a great blog post now ;)

Anyway, in all seriousness I am very selective about who I follow because I only follow people I want to read and that really is the reason I followed you. xx