Frogs, Slugs and Four Letter Words

MUUUM, Bear’s brought in another frog ……

This is becoming a recurring theme in our house.  The night before it had been a frog and a GIANT spider.  He did at least eat the spider, well, all but one leg which he left on the kitchen floor, perhaps he was all spidered out.

Into the kitchen I went all ready to scoop up a frog that was playing dead and deposit it back in the garden.

There on the kitchen floor was HALF a fucking frog!!! Oh, and for good measure, by the back door, the biggest bastard slug I’ve ever seen.  I swear to god it must have been 4” long and an inch wide (sorry, can’t think in metric when I’m traumatised!!)

This was a job for a man and luckily Big D doesn’t move out until tomorrow……..

‘Can you get rid of the frog and the slug’ I asked.  ‘No’. ‘Pleeeease’. ‘No’. ‘Pleeeeeease’……..  I’ll take a look he said with a long suffering sigh.

Into the kitchen he went.  

‘HOLY SHIT’, you didn’t tell me it was HALF a fucking  frog!!!  ‘I’ll take the slug, YOU deal with the frog’ he said.  ‘Where’s the slug?’

‘By the back door’ I whimpered.

‘FUCK ME’ he yelled as he caught sight of the motherf*cker, ‘I’m not touching THAT, I’ll take the frog’.

Having disposed of the froggy remains in the bin (IN MY BIN!!!) he couldn’t be persuaded to get rid of that bloody slug.

‘I’ve dealt with the frog’ he said but you might want to clean up the frog juice on the kitchen floor.  By this time I was ready to puke, frog juice!!!  Ewwww, and there was still that slug just waiting to ooze a trail across my kitchen floor and into my dining room.

Luckily, Miss Mac alerted by all the yelling and bad language, came down to see what was afoot and offered to dispose of the slug (I love that girl!!!).

I managed to stop her flipping it out of the door with the fish slice and handed her an old paintbrush from the drawer.  ‘What do you want me to do with it Mum’ she asked when she had managed to slide the brush under it with the damned thing dangling about 6” either side.

‘Stop waving the effing thing around and throw it as far as you can, preferably into next doors effing garden ………….. please sweetheart’......... 

Hmmm, I do feel obliged to say that I really don't approve of using bad language around children and nor does Big D but these WERE exceptional circumstances.  Miss Mac is now playing Top Trumps with the dog in her bedroom (Gus is winning) and she seems unaffected by the whole episode.

Rewinding with Diminishing Lucy