Friday, 5 August 2011

Frogs, Slugs and Four Letter Words

MUUUM, Bear’s brought in another frog ……

This is becoming a recurring theme in our house.  The night before it had been a frog and a GIANT spider.  He did at least eat the spider, well, all but one leg which he left on the kitchen floor, perhaps he was all spidered out.

Into the kitchen I went all ready to scoop up a frog that was playing dead and deposit it back in the garden.

There on the kitchen floor was HALF a fucking frog!!! Oh, and for good measure, by the back door, the biggest bastard slug I’ve ever seen.  I swear to god it must have been 4” long and an inch wide (sorry, can’t think in metric when I’m traumatised!!)

This was a job for a man and luckily Big D doesn’t move out until tomorrow……..

‘Can you get rid of the frog and the slug’ I asked.  ‘No’. ‘Pleeeease’. ‘No’. ‘Pleeeeeease’……..  I’ll take a look he said with a long suffering sigh.

Into the kitchen he went.  

‘HOLY SHIT’, you didn’t tell me it was HALF a fucking  frog!!!  ‘I’ll take the slug, YOU deal with the frog’ he said.  ‘Where’s the slug?’

‘By the back door’ I whimpered.

‘FUCK ME’ he yelled as he caught sight of the motherf*cker, ‘I’m not touching THAT, I’ll take the frog’.

Having disposed of the froggy remains in the bin (IN MY BIN!!!) he couldn’t be persuaded to get rid of that bloody slug.

‘I’ve dealt with the frog’ he said but you might want to clean up the frog juice on the kitchen floor.  By this time I was ready to puke, frog juice!!!  Ewwww, and there was still that slug just waiting to ooze a trail across my kitchen floor and into my dining room.

Luckily, Miss Mac alerted by all the yelling and bad language, came down to see what was afoot and offered to dispose of the slug (I love that girl!!!).

I managed to stop her flipping it out of the door with the fish slice and handed her an old paintbrush from the drawer.  ‘What do you want me to do with it Mum’ she asked when she had managed to slide the brush under it with the damned thing dangling about 6” either side.

‘Stop waving the effing thing around and throw it as far as you can, preferably into next doors effing garden ………….. please sweetheart’......... 

Hmmm, I do feel obliged to say that I really don't approve of using bad language around children and nor does Big D but these WERE exceptional circumstances.  Miss Mac is now playing Top Trumps with the dog in her bedroom (Gus is winning) and she seems unaffected by the whole episode.

Rewinding with Diminishing Lucy


Anonymous said...

I keep a dustpan and brush near the back door especially to deal with these incidents. The thought of slugs makes me come out in goosebumps, and the things cats bring in is truly horrific most of the time. I found the remains of a field mouse just outside the back door yesterday - thankfully I could only tell it had been a field mouse from the odd bit of fur and the number of teeny bones lying there.

Makes me glad the cats aren't moving with us.

Lou :-)

Carly Webber said...

LOL I'm cacking myself over Big D's response. And a fishslice? Priceless.
You poor things, I can't deal with anything smaller than a cat! I'm terrified of 'critters' and half critters would be much much worse... especially when ether's juice {ewwwwww}
Good giggle for a Friday - thank you!

Tamsyn said...

Ewww just thinking about giant slugs and half eaten frogs make me feel sick.

My Cat has a thing for HUGE huntsman and both my husband and I are seriously spider-phobic.

Not fun at all...

Domesblissity said...

Oh my goodness Sarah! A 4" slug? Are you kidding? Ewwwww! I don't know what I would've done if the man of the hosue wasn't around. LOL

Anne xx

Sarah said...

Makes me wish we hadn't got the damned cat Lou. Tilly brings in the occasional frog but it's always alive and unharmmed, I can deal with that!

Got to admit Carly, there was a fair bit of hysterical laughter going on, I wish I'd filmed his response :)

Spider I'm okish with Tamsyn, live frogs I'm used to but slugs???? Never, I hate them!

I wish I were kidding Anne, I also wish I'd taken a photo. We are getting some monsters this year. Usually they confine themselves to the garden wall. I have to say, other than for amusement value Big D wasn't really a great deal of help. I'm not sure what would have happened if it wasn't for Miss Mac I'd possibly have spent the entire night sitting in the kitchen asking the slug very nicely to please leave my house :) xx

Gemma @ My Big Nutshell said...

totally exceptional circumstances!!!

Sarah said...

Thank you Gemma, I like to think so :) x

I'm So Fancy said...

ah city living...just an occasional dead mouse. Life is good. You are a brave soul.

Diminishing Lucy said...

Oh goddess this is hilarious. I am promoted to post snaps of our frog in my tomorrow post...frog juice indeed.

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