WoW - The Nature Of The Place

The Write on Wednesday Spark - The nature of place

Think about a place in nature that feels special to you. Perhaps it is somewhere you visited as a child. Or maybe you share a special outdoor space with your own children. This place, this space will be your prompt for this week's writing exercise. Write about a particular natural geography, a natural place or space close to your heart. Tell us about the weather, the landform , the creatures who live there, what the place means to you and why. You can write prose fiction, poetry, non-fiction and/or a photographic narrative. You might mix the landscape with a personal story. Wherever the prompt take you...Let us peek into your place. 

First of all, I deleted my last weeks enrty from WoW after a sligh crisis of confidence - I didn't realise it had been read until Gill alerted me to a comment left by another writer and I wanted to say thank you to Sjp for your kind comment and to Gill for following it up and next time, I'll let you decide if it's worth reading :)

.........................................

The steep bank was the first obstacle. 

By standing in the middle of the road you could take a run up to it catching hold of branches that snapped and snagged at your clothing as your feet slipped and the long grasses entwined themselves around your ankles.

Finally grasping the rotting wood of the bottom plank of the stile and hauling yourself into a sitting position for a moment to catch your breath and survey the path leading into the woods.

Little used and overgrown, invisible to the undiscerning eye, and yet leading to a place of enchantment and wonder for those who had trodden the path before.

The woods were always cool even in the height of summer filled with the rich fruity smell of decay.  The ground soft and springy with the mulch of bygone years.

Fungi, bright orange, like some misplaced coral reef sprouted from the fallen tree trunks whilst on the ground below, like drab poor relations, the small grey toadstools huddled in groups like half closed umbrellas.

The light was dim with an aura of green that you could almost taste.

Every sound muffled and muted by the canopy of leaves high above.

There was no birdsong, no rustle of tiny creatures here.  This wood had it's own sounds ...

A rhythmic ticking as regular as the tick of an old fashioned mantle clock.

A faint munching as some unseen insect feasted on rotting wood.

The occasional thud as a falling branch hit the ground.

It wasn't a place to venture alone.

At the beginning of the long summer holidays it was an idea that was mooted, a plan that was formulated, cogitated, dicussed and discarded and yet, once the threads of the plan had woven their way into the imagination of our small group, it would tug and pull until the day we, full of laughter and bravado, teasing and goading made out way to the edge of the woods leading to Black Rock.

Seasoned Thief!

Someone seems to have stolen spring
Well they'd better bring it back!
Cause Im telling you this snow and shit
Does NOT suit Sarah Mac!

With legs like mine its a long way down
and my arse doesnt have much padding
Ive piled on so many damned layers
I look like Im wearing cladding!!!

The Post I Meant To Write Yesterday

I HAD intended to tell you about my weekend yesterday but sometimes , something just taps away at your brian, like donkey from Shrek jumping up and down shouting, 'Pick me, pick me!' ... and so you do because you know, like a toddler having a tantrum it's not going to stop until you pay it some attention.


Or is that just me?

Anyway, today is grey and cold and it's snowing. 

Not the light, floating, Christmas card type of snow that (at least for a while) you can enjoy the beauty of, but the half rain, half snow, but not quite sleet kind of stuff.

Enough to make you feel chilled to the bone and tired and like you want to crawl back into bed as it hits the wet pavement and dissolves.

And I am SO bloody tired today :(

But on Saturday ...

The weather was fantastic!!

Cold (OMG was it cold!) but brilliantly sunny - the kind of weather that makes you feel really alive!!

Of COURSE I went to the beach :)

Two actually - West Bay and then, on the way home, Lyme Regis to drink coffee and eat cake and watch the sun go down sitting on the veranda of a bar with great patio heaters.

Oh, and not forgetting a brief stop between the two to capture the sun setting over Seatown.

So, with no further waffle from me (and as ever my phone doesn't fully capture the colour and depth, it WAS sunny, honest! ;) ...

West Bay:

 

Sunset Over Seatown:

Lyme Regis as the sun disappeared:

 

Here's hoping your Saturday was as chilled as mine :)

The Greeks Didn't Write Obituaries

They just asked one question of a man after he died:

'Did He Have Passion?'

Is It Spring Yet?

I know, I know, it's the UK and it's still January. 

We have about another 8 weeks or so before it's technically spring but for me January is not only the start of a new year it's the time that I start looking out for any signs that spring is on it's way.

I'm just not a winter person.  I feel the cold terribly and dark mornings and short days make me want to  hibernate.

Now, I said I would probably blog less and that remains to be seen, but I also said that I would blog when I had something to say and today I do.

I started my ... oh, I don't really know what to call it ... 'new me plan' isn't quite right ...  I just want the old me back.

Anyway.  It started with the new eating regime.  I can't believe I have to eat 6 times a day!  For someone that can go for several days without thinking much about food that's a pretty tall order.

However, I'm committed to it. It's little and often and it's not like I don't like food or enjoy eating because I do. 

I just don't give it enough thought.

I'm pretty sure I said I wouldn't bang on about it so I'll shut up for now ;)

Back to my hunt for signs of spring.

Last night it poured with rain and it was still pretty horrible first thing but then, the sun came out, the wind blew the clouds away and Gus and I made a dash for the park before it started again.

After lunch when it was still dry and sunny I decided we should get out again for a proper walk so we went to the canal (one of the few green open spaces accessible to me without a car) and we walked.

I've stopped just strolling along while Gus does all the running and I've started really walking, getting my heart working a little faster and feeling that lactic acid start to burn. 

The walk we did covers about 3 miles and who knows, I may build up to running it over the course of the year.

I did stop a few times to take some photos and here they are:

clear blue skies



Gus being RATHER ambitious!



one of my favourite buildings - it houses a lift for canal boats to lift them onto another section of the canal.

these two were building a nest (it MUST be spring!)

signs of spring! :)

after all the rain the water is a little muddy



Then, once I'd got home, hair in a ponytail and sans makeup I took a photo of myself. 

This was something else the nutritionist had suggested as you often don't see yourself as you really are when looking in a mirror (REALLY hoping that doesn't mean all the gurning photos are how I look to everyone else!).

I'm not entirely sure that she meant I needed to share the photo but .... 

What the hell ...



thank god only the swans saw me ;)



Am I REALLY Going To Tell You What I Weigh???

Well, yes actually, I AM!

Why?

Is it because I think you have a burning need to know?

Do I have a burning need to tell you?

Probably not and no I think are the correct answers so, here's why.

I have been writing an awful lot of crap lately.  True enough stuff but crap.

So crap in fact that I've deleted two posts in the last few days hoping that no one had actually had the chance to read them.  They were not what Fudge, what I am about!

I've also been filling my life with crap.

Looking for distractions. Trying not to stop and think. Filling my time with stuff that I don't really want and just isn't me.

I mean, I am not a serial dater.  Yes I like meeting people.  Yes I enjoy male company.  Yes I like to flirt, be found attractive and yes, I like to have fun.

But in my life I've had two long term relationships both lasting around 13 years each.  In between I've had a few less serious dalliances and ... well, one that for me was more so.

ANYWAY, my point being, I've kind of lost sight of who I am.  I've been bouncing around like a pinball on speed and I'm exhausted by it all.

I mentioned that I needed to put on some weight and today I had an appointment with a nutritionist.

My main problem is that my appetite is directly linked to my emotional well being.

If I'm not happy, I don't eat.

I haven't been happy for a while hence the frantic attempts to find distractions only my appetite isn't really fooled by that and my weight had taken quite a dramatic drop.

It's not healthy and it's not a good look.  It IS something I can get control of (with a little help).

So, today was about talking about the reasons as well as putting a plan into action.

I mentioned my blog to the nutritionist and she suggested I talk about it openly as weight issues are often something that fester in silence and talking about it could actually be the spur I need to keep focused.

So, ok, here goes.

I'm a shade under 6ft tall with a medium body frame and my weight today is: 65.5kg (that's around 10 stone 4 for those of us who still think in metric).

According to all the weight charts this doesn't make me underweight, just on the lower side of healthy.

But it's not all about weight charts, it's about how you feel, how you look, what's right for you and this, this is too light for me.

I'm all bones and angles and I've got room in my size 10 jeans.  My arse has all but gone (how I long for one of those beach ball type bums:) and my face looks hollow.

My saving grace is that I CAN see this, I know it's not good and I want to change it.

That means focusing on me for a bit.  Slowing down and smelling the roses.  Cutting out the distractions.  Finding myself again if you like (although I've always hated that expression).

I haven't been me for a while and the person I've tried to be just doesn't work.  I actually don't want to be that person and most of all, I don't want to be perceived as that person.

I'd hate for the people who know me to forget who I really am.

So, it's possible that I may not blog quite so much (but who knows;) but, what I'm hoping is that when I do it will be a return to the old Sarah who's been sitting quietly in the background waiting for the usurper to leave.

This isn't going to turn into some kind of weight monitoring/healthy eating type of blog, now THAT'S really not me ;)  but it might get the odd mention and I'm pretty sure that those damned 'things' will keep happening to me so I'll keep you updated.

Here's to me being me again :)

Free Falling

When Fuckit Just Won't Cut It

A little update on my fuckit day ... ( I could have included this in the previous post but I wanted to give the impression that I AM capable of serenity and order ... :)

Well, the day itself went pretty much to plan in that I mostly ignored anything and everything that had the potential to spoil it on the basis that probably no one would die if I left things until tomorrow.

BUT!!

There are SOME things you really can't ignore or put off.

Walking the dog being one of them no matter what the weather.

I love my dog but, to be honest, it wasn't my idea to get one.  Just one of those things left over from the days of ex lax.

Having said that, I wouldn't be without him and if going out in the peeing rain from time to time is the price of having him then it's one I'm willing to pay.

For the most part Gus is the most well behaved dog you could wish to meet (if only my children were part Border Collie ..... ;).

The one thing he does do every now and then (with a VERY guilty look on his face) is scavenge!

Never in the house, you could leave a whole roast chicken in front of his face and he wouldn't touch it unless you told him he could, but whilst out walking sometimes he sees things he just can't resist.

I rarely have him on a lead and he really doesn't need one.

Now I HAD thought that seeing him eat a pile of puke, ONLY ONCE I hasten to add (and he was on steroids at the time due to that damned cat Bear of little brain bringing in fleas which Gus is allergic to) was the worst thing he could do.

But I was wrong :(

This evening he woofed down a partly eaten kebab that some nice person had discarded in the street.

At first all seemed well.

Then later, there was a knock at the door.

Gus is very vocal when someone comes to the door, it amazes me that they stick around at all, he can sound quite ferocious!

It was about 8:30 and dark and I wasn't expecting anyone so it's quite reassuring having a dog around (not that I think he would be any bloody help at all if it turned out to be an axe wielding maniac).

It wasn't, it was (without wishing to offend anyone) someone trying to sell me eternal peace and forgiveness from my sins.

Gus did his usual run to the door barking like a hound of the Baskervilles.  The guy took a step back and said jokingly (but looking scared), 'he's not a killer is he?'  and Gus promptly puked up half digested kebab all over his feet!

I really think that guy might need to take a leaf out of his own book regarding forgiveness ....

I guess it did kind of fit in with my fuckit day, after all,  it did make me smile :)

This evening has been a bit frantic.

Remember M from Badoo?

Well, I got another message from him!

Again, really nice.  Saying that he understood my position but felt he might possibly be missing the opportunity to get to know someone very special if he didn't at least take a chance and ask me if I might not reconsider.

See what happens when you make me do the right thing K?? :)

Anyway, I did reply and half way through Gus puked again!

Thinking about it, anyone else would possibly have just said, just putting the kettle on or seeing to the children or .... well, I don't know ANYTHING really other than:

'Back in a minute, the bloody dog's just puked on the effing carpet!'  Which was actually what I was THINKING but possibly wasn't what I should have typed  ....  Did I mention I tend to make an impression ....

Then, when I'd cleaned that up I got a call from MR O who had crashed his car today and was in a pretty bad way having injured his back.

So, I was keeping an eye on the dog who kept dry heaving (which always makes me want to as well!),  talking to Mr O on the phone (who was high as a kite on drugs - the prescription type!) AND trying to recover the situation with M at the same time.

It was never going to end well was it?

I was trying to make soothing, sympathetic noises Mr O (who is sooo lovely and this is such a shitty thing to have happened to him - we had discussed getting married a couple of weeks ago with me wearing purple DM's and him in a matching mankini but that's another story), shouting at the dog to FFS puke in the kitchen on the tiled floor if he really HAD to puke again NOT on the bloody carpet AND trying to make scintillating conversation with M at the same time.

I have to say it all got a little mixed up ...

Luckily Mr O was so off his face I don't think he really noticed but M .....

What can I say ...  he possibly thinks I'm certifiable.

Fuckit

Happiness Is ...

Last night I decided I was due a Fuckit day.

Everyone needs a fuckit day every now and then.

For those who haven't come across this before It's a day when, if it doesn't taste nice, smell good or make you smile you say 'fuckit, I'm not interested!'

Whatever crap comes your way you just put it to one side and leave it until tomorrow.

Occasionally, just occasionally you will find something (or even someone) who ticks all of those boxes that's pretty amazing and makes it a day to be treasured.

Today it was unlikely to be a someone as all I had planned was a brief trip up to the hospital (slight blip which I will NOT dwell on today!) which meant that I needed to find things to make me happy.

On a fuckit day you don't just sit back waiting for things to come to you.  You get out there and look for them (never confuse a fuckit day with an 'I can't be fucked day').

Ok, I seem to have a pretty high F count already in this post so I'm going to assume from now on that you get the point and I'll stop banging on about it ;).

I love food.  I love to cook.  I REALLY love to cook for people.  The Mac's however are teenagers.  Frankly they don't give a f..... if I've spent half the day slaving over a bubbling pan or just chucked a jar of sauce over some pasta.

It's not that they don't LIKE food, just that they aren't particularly discerning.

Last night's herb crusted rack of lamb was greeted by 'what's for pudding' (one day the realisation that we rarely have pudding will dawn on Master Mac!)
and, 'can we have chicken next Sunday' - 'Yes Miss Mac, we can have chicken next Sunday, just like we did LAST Sunday, just like we would have every bloody Sunday until we all grow feathers and start roosting in straw filled boxes if you had your way!'

Don't get me wrong, I really like chicken but I also like a bit of diversity.

Anyway, today I made .......

Boeuf Bourguignon ala Julia Child - it's simmering away in the slow cooker (ok, not strictly like Julia then but following her recipe).

I wish I had a scratch and sniff button on my blog.  OMG it smells FAN F*CKI ......  Umm, I mean, really bloody good!!

And no, this culinary delight is not being wasted on the Macs - nope, once this baby is cooked and cooled it's going in the freezer for the weekend and a hopefully more appreciative audience (it's even better when it's been reheated).

Ok, this is where my day took on a slightly surreal note.

I've mentioned my domestic sluttery tendencies once or twice.  I may have slightly exagerated them from time to time (although I am still firmly of the belief that everyone else lives in a show home).

I do however have my little foibles. 

I'm ever so slightly obsessive about cleaning the loo (but I put that down to having a teenage boy in the house).  I also can't cope with watermarks on cutlery or the kettle. 

Oh, and one thing people ALWAYS seem to find amusing for some reason is the way I lay everything neatly on the conveyor belt at the supermarket, everything facing the same way ect, it really offends me when people just chuck it all on.  I even have to resist the urge to tidy it up for people I don't know (why am I telling you this shit???)

Every now and then I have the odd urge to don the marigolds and break out the bleach.

I think it's probably a control thing, trying to counteract those damned 'things'!
.
Anyway today was one of those days.

(nb: Cleaning is allowed on a fuckit day if it makes me happy :)

So my house now smells of delicious food, bleach and clean washing.

I'm knackered having scrubbed floors, cupboards, doors and walls (oh no, I don't do it by halves;), changed beds, cleaned windows and polished the animals.

I'm thinking that tomorrow may possibly be an 'I'm completely fucked day' ;)

Quaint Quirks and Customs

Well, there's nowt so queer as folk.

And without a doubt the English are the queerest folk about.

It's ok, we know it.  There is even a certain level of pride associated with it.

We tend, as a nation not to take ourselves too seriously, to be self depreciating and to unceremoniously take the piss out of ourselves and our fellow countrymen.

We do this as a form of self defence, and to confuse the hell out of you.


England is relatively tiny, approximately 50346 square miles in size and yet, within those few miles there are possibly up to 50 or 60 different accents and dialect *

We mostly don't even understand each other (drop me into the middle of Liverpool or Manchester I might as well be in Azerbejan).


Throw into the mix our range of local customs and traditions (which gives us something to focus on when we get bored talking about our shite weather) and we are, we admit, a frankly fucking odd bunch!

I mentioned gurning in my last post and Catherine asked me what it was.

So, just for you Catherine, THIS is gurning:

don't you just want to pinch his chubby cheeks??

Now, gurning is considered an art form at the Egremont Crab Fair in Cumbria held every September and the home of the Gurning World Championships.

Contestants put their heads through horse collar or braffin while they create the ugliest, most grotesque faces they can manage. A certain amount of skill is involved but a lot of beer and a level of toothlessness probably has an impact as well.

For some, such as me, gurning is pretty instinctive, point a camera my way and the likely outcome is similar to the above.

Gurning is but the tip of the iceberg, so, what else do we get up to in our spare time?

Well .... sit back and let me share ...

Cheese rolling at Cooper's Hill

Once a year, as they have done for hundreds of years, young men and women hurl themselves down a hill so steep that it is impossible to remain standing in pursuit of a seven or eight pound wheel of locally made Double Gloucester cheese. In this wacky race there is no way participants can come down Cooper's Hill on their feet. Spectators who get too close to the edge have been known to tumble over and join the race involuntarily.

At the bottom are a positive army of paramedics waiting to shovel up the injured and ferry them off to A&E.

Bog Snorkeling

Yes indeed, you read correctly, bog snorkeling. If any of you ever doubted that us Brits are mad, this should make up your minds for you. Basically participants dive into a bog, wearing goggles, a pair of flippers and a snorkel, they then proceed to race each other along a 120ft trench filled with stinking mud.

Why???

Because it's FUN!!!

Worm Charming



I shit you not!

Worm charming is a way to of attracting earthworms from the ground. The village of Willaston, near Nantwich, Cheshire is the place where since 1980 the annual World Championships have been organised. The competition was actually initiated by local man Tom Shufflebotham who on the 5th of July, 1980 charmed 511 worms from the ground in only half an hour. The competition has 18 rules. Including:

1. A garden fork of normal type may be stuck into the ground and vibrated by any manual means to encourage worms to the surface.

2. Music of any kind can be used to charm worms out of the ground but no drugs can be used! (Water is considered to be a drug/stimulant).

3. A handbell to be rung about five minutes before the start of the competition (because we like hand bells)

Morris Dancing

Ah, the ancient art of Morris dancing ...

Men in lederhosen prancing around like dressage horse hitting each other with sticks (or sometimes swords) and occasionally thwacking each other across the face with a hanky.  One of our proudest traditions!

 

Wassailing

Although I don't originally hail from Somerset, this is one of my favourites.

Wassailing, when a piece of toast is soaked in cider and hung in a tree, shot guns are fired into the top most branches and buckets are beaten.

The reason for this?

After half a pint of scrumpy (the devils brew which will have you flat on your back and hallucinating for four days!) who knows and who cares!

* I made that up but it sounds about right.

Oh, and for those of you  who were interested.  I sent a message to M from Baddo and got a really nice reply saying to get in touch if I ever changed my mind.

And Matt and I had that chat and, well, we reached an understanding too.



Today

I've had one of those days :(

 

Nothing but junk mail and bills in the post.

 

There has been a steady drizzle all day and I got cold and wet walking the dog.

 

I popped round to see a friend who took a photo of me to try out his new camera and I looked HIDEOUS!!

 

I've mentioned my gurning tendencies before, well, they were well and truly to the forefront today (no, I will NOT be sharing, it's been deleted ;).  It also made me very conscious of how bony I look around my collor bone and above my chest.  Just when I was starting to feel a little more positive about my weight (which yes, is slowly going up:).

 

I sent an email which, having re-read it, sounds far more abrasive than I'd intended. It doesn't say what I wanted to say- almost as though the words are right but in the wrong order or something.  I don't really know what to do about that ...

 

I've had a couple of text messages from Matt and arranged to meet him for a drink tomorrow night when I guess we will have that 'can we just be friends chat'.

 

No doubt I'll manage to get that all wrong too.

 

I've just been a little pissed off with myself.

 

I don't think I've said or done anything today that's done me much justice.

 

BUT, just as I was having a really good 'beating myself up' session (not literally you understand ;), two things happened:

 

1)  Miss Mac came home from school with this!

 

 

Lemon cheesecake

Guaranteed to cheer me up!

 

Then, later, THIS dropped through the door:

 

 

A thank you card

From Surfer Dude (and I can't tell you how unexpected that was!) thanking ME for a lovely weekend!

 

I mean, HE took me to the beach.  HE was the one who turned it all around for me when I'd been dreading it.  Yet he is the one thanking me?

 

Such a lovely message in the card too.  I won't put it all down, it wasn't written for anyone else to read so that would be wrong but I have asked him and he doesn't mind if I share this bit with you:

 

'Thank you for a lovely weekend.  You are fun to be with and have such an easy smile. You are a good person to spend time with'

 

Suddenly I started to feel a little better about myself!

 

I mean, how lovely is THAT??

 

For someone like surfer dude to hold me in such high regard I guess must mean that I'm not so bad after all and maybe the recipient of that email won't think I'm a complete arse either (well, no more than they already know I am anyway ;).

 

Then, this evening (yes, there is more!)  I got this message on Badoo (I've blanked out the personal stuff):

 

Hi Sarah, I wanted to send you a message last week but it seems you were getting a lot of attention that day so thought best to wait until the guys worked out that you're not the only girl in the world and had calmed down a little. I'd love to chat with you sometime . I live over the hill from you in N....... and work at ..............as a clinical team lead nurse. Anyway, I hope to hear from you and btw that pic of you sitting on the rock is lovely. Reminiscent of the little mermaid in Copenhagen! Fabulous! Hope to hear, M.........

 

No, no, NO - nice as he sounds, I will not be responding for two very good reasons.

 

One, I still need to come to some understanding with Matt and it would seem all wrong to reply and two, like I said, too much on my plate and I've realised I'm just not up for it right now and it's unfair to pretend that I am.

 

So for now my profile has been removed from Badoo (although with their track record it could well be back up again tomorrow!).

 

Maybe sometime I'll consider it again but not just now.

Lipstick And Powder*

So ... lunch.

How was it?

It was great!

I can honestly say that Matt ticks many of my boxes.

He has an intelligent humour, a slightly self depreciating style (arrogance being top of my 'one strike and you're out' list), a warm personality and he seems get me.

That last one being very important from a personal point of view. 

After all, how many men would come back after a chipped tooth and being told you wanted to admire their balls?    
          
I understand that my particular brand of scantiness and chaos may not suit everyone. Some people prefer order and calm rather than what I like to fondly think of as 'colour'.  But I'm multifaceted, as are most people, and that is just a part of me. 

If someone were to judge me on that basis alone then there is a very large part of me that they would be missing.


Lunch was remarkably uneventful in that I didn't break anything, go to the wrong place, cause injury to anyone else or make any unintentional sexual suggestions.

So far, so good.

But, there's always a bloody but with me isn't there ...

Matt is still slightly freaking me out in someways.

I'm starting to wonder if there is some 'how to seduce Sarah' script out there on the 'net.

It's uncanny the way he has, on several occasions, said almost word for word the same things that someone else once said to me.

Being constantly reminded of someone else is NOT conducive to progressing a possible relationship (even if the reminders are of someone you were very fond of).

Scratch that.

PARTICULARLY if they are reminders of someone you were very fond of in this case.

The thing is, Matt quite clearly isn't that person. In many ways he is very different.

I'm still in the early stages of getting to know him but there is no confusion other than, as I've said before, this faint echo.

There is also, for me, sadly no spark ...

You know that indefinable fizz you get when you know this is going somewhere?

It's missing.

I know me.  I'm not a slow burner. 

It's either there or it isn't (mostly I find it's not) and with Matt, it isn't.

I really wish I'd met him through work or something and we had become mates, I think we could be really good mates.

I have quite a few male friends and they mean the world to me. 

I like male company (love my female friends too!) and I have no problem with there being a hint of flirtation in my friendships. 

Mr R&R and MR O and I often have flirtation fests but we know the rules so no one has any expectations or gets hurt or confused.

I'm not sure what Matt is hoping for, if anything ...

Ok, so he sent me a text after lunch saying how much he had enjoyed it (me too!) and that he thought I was 'flaming georgous' which was a lovely compliment but kind of indicates that he might possibly be hoping for more at some point.

Me and my bright ideas for a social experiment (and I never did even let you lot choose did I?).

Well, I'm just going to have to 'fess up and tell him straight.

I'm hoping it doesn't mean the end of a budding friendship but the truth is that I've realised that I'm really not on the market for anything more just yet.

I have far too many other things on my plate right now and, although my bruises may have faded they are still there if you look closely.

*Apologies to anyone who now has Girl Talk running through their heads but the truth is:

'There are some things you can't cover up' .... ; )

WoW - The Stories A Tree Could Tell

Write on Wednesday is back over at Ink, Paper, Pen and this weeks prompt is 'The stories a tree could tell'.



Christmas morning.

The only light came from the twinkling of the tree as it shimmered and changed colour softly.

Darkness wrapped itself around the house. 

The air seemed saturated with silence broken only by a deep sigh as the Collie, resting his head on her knee looked up at her with deep brown eyes. 

Sensing her sadness.

Feeling the emptiness.

She looked around, unsure of what to do.

The traditional rituals of this precious day seemed to mock her.

Glitter didn't sparkle on the path this year leading reindeer to her door.

Bucks Fizz, a Christmas treat which always terrified her as she struggled to open the bottle rested untouched in the fridge.                                                        

Presents, gaily wrapped in a multitude of colours sat beneath the tree waiting for hands that wouldn't come to rip the paper and bows from them.

The events of the last year trickled through her mind like the persistent drip of a tap.

Memories hovered briefly before falling and being washed away even as the next trembled in anticipation of the fall.

Happy memories.  Moments of complete joy.  Of wonder and rightness. 

Swept away as insubstantial as tiny drops of water.

Holding onto the memories was as futile as trying to capture the droplets in her hand, they slid through her fingers and evaporated in the warmth of her body.

The lights from the tree blurred and became one as she lent across to turn them off.

Distraction

Today I really want to write my new WoW post.

Yep, Write on Wednesday with Gill over at Ink, Paper, Pen is back!!!

I've missed it but it's left me with a bit of a quandary ...

The break away from the Rock Chick story has been good.

I had wondered if it had come to a natural end with the telling of the bangle story and it has in a way.

Pandora's box has been gently closed.

But it's left a gap and I'm not sure how to fill it.

There is a sub story which fits with the prompt and I have a part written post.

 Maybe I'll take another look a little later and see how it plays out.

Meanwhile, as the title of the post suggests, I'm looking for distraction.

Today is the first day for a long time where I don't have anything planned.

A great day to think about going through my wardrobe and bagging up  all that stuff for the charity shops.

One of the things I'm aiming to do this year is to stabilise my weight.

I'm not going to bang on about it too much.  I'm well aware that many people are struggling to lose a few extra pounds after the Christmas excesses and it might sound a little smug to say I need to put a few on.

Having said that, the health implications associated with being underweight are just as significant as those associated with being overweight particularly (and it kills me to say this!) at my age.

I also hate the fact that I lose if from my face very quickly and I don't carry any extra there anyway so I just end up looking gaunt and ill.

SO, having said I wont bang on about it, I'll stop!  I have an eating programme in place and I'm starting to see benefits already.

I'm also exercising more (hence the beach visits) and really walking rather than just strolling.

Maybe I might even join Matt for a cycle ride (yeah, maybe not ;).

This morning I very reluctantly slid out of bed (has anyone else noticed, the mornings are getting LIGHTER!!!).

Well, it was still dark then and my bed was so warm and cosy.  I invested in a new duvet at the weekend.  For once I decided that I deserved a decent one and god, it's been a revelation!!! 

It's like being wrapped in a big, soft cloud and for a change I'm sleeping so well.

So, I did what I always do and shot downstairs to turn the heating up full blast so the house warmed a little before the children got up and went to turn the shower on.

Now when I redecorated my bathroom I didn't put the loo roll holder back.  That wasn't because I couldn't be bothered but because of this:

most of the radiators in my house are convectors as well - there is NOTHING better on a cold morning than preheated loo roll ;)

This morning as I lifted the loo roll up, something dropped out and rolled across the floor.

And I discovered this:

yes, it's a satsuma!

Miss Mac has some rather masculine tendencies and likes to read the newspaper on the loo.  It's seems she like to snack too!

However, having peeled the satsuma she decided she didn't want it after all and the obvious solution was to drop it inside the toilet roll!!!

One last piece of distraction.

I seem to have managed to break a bone in my hand. 

How ...?     

By smacking some motherf*cker upside the head of course ;)      

No, no really.  I actually managed to do it by simply taking a bag from Master Mac containing a pair of trainers that he'd taken away for the weekend with him.  As I turned my hand something just snapped.

Weird no?

yes, it does bloody hurt!

   

Ok, enough distraction - Time to do STUFF and sort out my WoW post.

 I'm on it Gill  :)                 

Only superstition

Ok, so there's something that's been bugging me for a while.

I'm not a particularly superstitious person BUT!!!

The number 13 keeps coming up over and over with a certain person (no, it's not Matt the Op).

I don't just mean once in a while but several times a week in various forms.

The first time I noticed it I didn't really give it much thought but since then it just seems to jump out at me.

Coincidence?

Possibly ...

Intriguing?

Certainly ...

A load of  old b*llocks??

Probably ...

What do you think?

Second Date

Ok, so it's all set for Wednesday.

Dinner seemed just a little too .......... datey??? to me.

I'm not really sure I'm up for that just yet and, as Matt's work involves working the odd Saturday it also means that he sometimes gets a day off during the week and this Wednesday is it.

So dinner has become lunch which I'm a little more comfortable with and so far I've only manged one more tiny little faux pas so I reckon things are going pretty well.

Oh, the faux pas??? ...

Hmm, well, another well thought out text from me.

As I mentioned, Matt knows about the social experiment element (although I hasten to add that if I didn't actually LIKE him there would be no 2nd date).

Anyway, that obviously means that he knows about my blog BUT I don't want him to read it just yet.

So much easier to write honestly if you aren't inhibited by the subject of a post actually reading it (NOT that that seems to have influenced me all that much in the past ;).

Anyway, I kind of explained that and he gets it, although naturally he IS curious (possibly why he's risking a 2nd date ...  after all, if he didn't then he'd never find out what I've written would he ... hmm again!).

So anyway.

Over the weekend we were both pretty busy.

Him with his stuff and me, well, I needed a distraction with the children being away so, I did what I always do when I want to escape, I headed for the beach :)

Budleigh Salterton to be precise.

Previously undiscovered by me as tbh it's a place where the very (and I mean VERY) wealthy go to die retire and so I'd worked on the mistaken assumption that it had nothing much to offer me.

Well, I was wrong, look: (apologies if you have already seen some of these on FB).

 

 

It is actually really very beautiful :) 

It was also bloody cold.

I now fully appreciate the phrase 'freezing your t*ts off!!).

Fortunately it also has an abundance of little tea shoppe's to thaw out in.

Ok, I can hear you at the back muttering 'but what the f*ck WAS it you said in that text!!!'

Oh, nuthin' much really ....

Ok, dammit,  I'll tell you then.

I SAID .... (and I quote).

 'If you are prepared to risk a second date with me then I really do have to admire your balls'.

Bugger ...

Oh Lou .....

Now I consider myself to be a bit of a dating expert .... Sound familiar?

 (ok, more of a guide on how NOT to really:)..

Don't believe me?

Read about some of them here!

So today was the turn of Matt the optician.

Well aware that this was at least in part a social experiment he still gamely agreed to meet up for an hour or so for a coffee and to meet face to face.

I went through the flurry of usual 'first date' preparations.

Reading a few blog posts.  Making the odd comment. Walking the dog.  Drinking coffee and eating the ubiquitous bacon sandwich when I realised that somehow I'd only left myself half and hour to shower, change and get there!!!

Bugger!

Luckily I can pull it together pretty quickly when I have to and so, running only slightly late, I made my way to Cafe Mambo, the chosen meeting point.

Cafe Mabo has a great outdoor space filled with tables with huge umbrellas, background music and, until recently (and I hope they bring it back) a VW camper that served as an outside bar.

I wish I'd taken some photos and although I've trawled the net I can't find any decent ones.

Anyway, I got myself a coffee and sat outside as arranged. 

Fortunately Mambos also have very effective patio heaters.  Mild as it has been it IS still January in the UK.

And I waited.  And my coffee cooled ...

And I started to get slightly pissed off.

Had Matt the optician STOOD ME UP????

I could have text him but then, did I really need the humiliation of being told that yes, I had been stood up or even worse, get no answer at all?

So, leaving my now cold coffee I stood up to leave trying to pretend that I'd intended to be there all on my own the whole time.

Then, my phone bleeped.

A text.

'Have you stood me up?'.

Well, I looked around and there wasn't anyone on their own fitting his description which was a little confusing.

Ok, so I was in the wrong place AGAIN!!

We had in fact arranged to meet at Cafe Nero just up the road NOT Cafe Mambo.

This isn't the first time I've done this on a first date. 

Last time I sat in the Moat House whilst my date waited for me at The Market House. 

Both times it was my mistake.

I'm pretty good at making first impressions (not necessarily good ones you understand, just an impression ;).

Well, the last time I did that it didn't turn into a complete disaster so maybe this was a GOOD sign.

As Matt was sitting there with two HOT coffees (and cake!!) I said I would come to him.

There he was, looking very much like his photo thank god with the best looking piece of coffee and walnut cake I'd seen for a very long time.

I just KNEW this was going to go well :)

We laughed at the mix up (although I didn't mention it wasn't the first time I done that).

We chatted and generally got on pretty well.

Now, the tables outside cafe Nero are rather insubstantial.  I guess they don't want to be lugging heavy ones in and out on a daily basis.

They also don't have patio heaters like Cafe Mabo so it was a little chilly but not enough to warrant going inside.

So there we were, me sitting back in my chair, legs crossed under the table and Matt leaning forwards, elbows on the table, hands clasped around the glass containing his double tall latte to keep them warm.

Chatting and laughing like we'd known each other for ages.

Suddenly my leg gave one of those involuntary jerks (you know the ones, no particular reason for them at all).

My knee hit the underside of the table causing it to jump up and Matt, elbows still on the bloody table to throw coffee all over himself, cut his lip on the glass and chip a f*cking tooth!!!

Even in my great experience of dating disasters have I never managed to pull off the TRIPLE whammy before!!!

I'm not sure if Matt and I will chance a second date.

I think we might just leave it a while until he's a) seen a dentist and b) the swellings gone down ....

All in all I have to say it still wasn't the worst first date I'VE ever been on ;)

Joinig in with Glowless at:

If It All Goes Horribly Wrong Then Blame Lou ;)

Ok, so I only went and did it!

I took Lou's advice and sent a message back to Matt.

I even managed not to make any suggestions on sexual positions he might like to try out on a first date.

I did talk a bit about arses though ....

Well, he started it and I was only trying to put him at his ease ...

We chatted a little.

He's a keen cyclist - Ooh, me too!

He loves skiing - Ooh, me too!

H doesn't wear a toupee - OOH, ME TOO

He's an optician - Ooh ....

Hmm, ok, so I had to confess that I  don't do any of the above.

 I don't own a bike.  I've never skied (well, dry slop skiing once) I have more than enough hair for several people and I'm not an optician.

Obviously, being in the trade, he was first attracted to my eyes.

Apparently I don't just have Heterochromia, I have STRICT heterochromia which is far rarer.

I am indeed a highly prized freak of nature :)

For those of you who don't know, I have different coloured eyes, one blue, one green.

As Matt explained, this is far more common in dogs, particularly collies and huskies.

(Ok, so he may need to work on his seduction technique just a little ;)

BUT, once we had ascertained that a first date to him didn't mean a 100 mile round cycle trip for me (people really do that for FUN you know!!) and could include coffee and even perhaps cake we settled on meeting up ......

TOMORROW!!!

Oh, and yes, I did tell him he was a social experiment but it didn't seem to put him off too much.

Epic Fail Part 3

So, Internet dating ....

It's a bit of a jungle out there guys.

If you read yesterdays post then you will know that people aren't always who they say they are.

A comment from my lovely Lou made me think about my own motivation here.

I know it wasn't your intention Lou but the truth is, I'm doing this for a bit of fun.  I'm not looking for a relationship right now.  I have far too many things on my plate already to even think of having to consider someone else amd to be honest, I doubt there are many people who would consider me much of a catch right now.

Anyway, I haven't lied to anyone.  The photos of me on the site are genuine.  If I did agree to go on a date with someone then I would be up front about the whole thing because that's the way I am.

I guess the difference between 'David' and I is that I would give people choices based on the truth. Integrity is something I value very highly in myself and in others.


In other words, don't bullshit me, I'm dealing with enough crap alreay thanks!

Moving on ...  Never let it be said that I allowed introtrospection to stand in the way of a good blog post :)


I thought I'd share a few tips and hints with any men out there who a) might be (or are already) contemplating the dating scene and b) actually want to get a date out of it :)

Photos.

Badoo it pretty crap in that it doesn't let you write your own profile.  Basically you get a a preordained tick list so everything is very generic, very samey, very interchangeable.

This means that your photo is even more important.  It's the only individual thing that you have.

The truth is, I'm not going to message you (or reply to a message) if you are wearing ANY of the following:

A nappy (and sucking a dummy)

An anorak

A bird on your head

A fez

An orange curly wig

A plastic green rain hat

If you are naked (or appear naked) - If you are dressed as a Tellytubby - If you are a dot in the distance - Draped all over another woman - Lying in a pool of your own vomit - Pouting - Or your photo is of animal from the Muppets (altho I DO have a certain fondness for animal;)

If you have huge nostrils (and yes, Badoo has chosen my 'up the nose' shot as MY profile picture but as I never tire of pointing out, that is an ART shot ok!) - If you have an even bigger overbite - If you are licking a truncheon - If you call yourself Tally Wacker or Spunky or even King Jiz the chances are I'm not going to fall over myself to go on a a date with you.

If you are called Jerry (bearing in mind that I am Mindy in R&R's fantasy) I would probably give you a wide berth purely because I would feel obliged to assume Margots persona from the Goodlife and while I'm pretty sure I could carry off the pseudo snobbery fairly well, I really couldn't be arsed to dust all those ornaments.

If you could avoid ALL of the above AND manage a message without sexual innuendo that sounded semi normal then your luck could be in.

Did I say LUCK???  Haha, lets not forget, it's ME they might end up going on a date with ;)

The chances are I'd break a limb, be mistaken for a hooker or jinx their car in some way.

So ...  I've just logged onto the site for a quick look and - I have 62 unread messages, most of which will remain so BUT, I did have this one:

'Hello Sarah, how are you? I am Matt and this is the tricky bit ....the first message....how not to be very dull? how not to be a arse?...how to be interesting and interested, without being the aforementioned arse..?'

Hmm, well, as you all know, I'm quite capable of making a complete arse of myself so he would be in good company ...

(and there's something about that message that reminds me ....)

Epic Fail part 2

Now, for those of you who are Badoo virgins I thought you might like a brief overview.

Ok, First of all you sign up to Badoo (or not as the case may be - Badoo is quite happy to do that on your behalf).

Then you buy Super Powers! (or not as the case may be).

If you are Super Hot (ahem, that would be me;) you get them for free (ok, you might just have to be a woman to get them or something. I don't know but that sounded better!).

Then, off you go ... 

Message, add photos (Badoo is quite happy to do this for you too!!), send gifts, add favourites yada, yada, yada.

You then meet the person of your dreams and live happily ever after.

Simple!

Back in the real world you get a message from David - 39 - from London who appears to have stepped straight out of a toothpaste ad ...

(brief pause here to wonder why my mouse wasn't working only to discover that what I had in my hand was in fact my phone!).

Anyway, back to David.

Having ascertained that his interests included, jaffa cakes, vodka and red wine he was beginning to sound just a little too good to be true so I asked him for his views on liver and celery.

BINGO - perfect man!

Or WAS he???

It seemed all talk of food may have led him in a direction that I wasn't sure I was ready to go ...

Soon he was extolling the virtues of whipped cream and offering to lick it from my naked body.

Ummm, 'we seem to have skipped the getting to know you bit' I pointed out ...

Predictably he suggested that it would be a REALLY good way to get to know each other.

Now, having read Lady E's post just this very morning on the subject of whipped cream I feel I'm something of an expert on the matter (although you do need to remember that I am perfectly willing to assume I'm an expert on many matters regardless of any knowledge I may or may not possess. I refuse to be bogged down by mere details! ;).

Anyhow, I decided to steer him back to the more mundane - 'what do you do blah, blah' type of stuff but he was having none of it.

While he formulated his next batch of sexual suggestions I decided to google, toothpaste/men/smile ...

You know where this is going don't you? ;)

Yep, sure enough, 4 pics along, there was 'David'

Hmmm, so I thought about playing along a bit longer.

Maybe making a few suggestions of my own about what HE could do with a can of whipped cream a feather duster and a cucumber!

But, taking the bull by the horns (or the horny bull by the .... no, no,  lets NOT go there) I confronted him.

'David, you're just a DOM with your hand down the front of your grubby tracksuit pants aren't you?

Epic Fail

Way, way back, sometime at the beginning of December you may remember I told you the story of how I ended up on Badoo (FB's dating website).

Now, after my last social experiment epic fail (how to alienate all your FB friends) I was determined that I was going to go ALL the way with this one and post a selection of messages I'd  received and let you guys chose which one I went on a date with.

Anyway, 'things' got in the way and after a really good start I let it slide.

The emails from Badoo have continued to drop into my inbox and I've ignored them UTILL last night.

I was curious, I couldn't sleep and I was bored so I thought it might be time to revisit Badoo.

Ok, now I'm going to rewind a little and go right back to the beginning.

My very first message was ... possibly from a pshyco interesting.  He waxed lyrical about my beauty, how overjoyed he would be to have someone like me on his arm, how he longed to kiss my lips and how he hoped that this was the beginning of a beautiful relationship ..... (cue noise of car slamming on brakes, crashing gears and reversing at high speed!).


My second message was more promising.

Short, pithy and with a little touch of humour.

Oh, and he was local, absolutely gorgeous and had a great smile.

At the end of his message he said, 'can I ask you a question?'.

Well, I picked up this message as I was walking into town and  I decided not to lose anytime and send a reply straight away.

What was I thinking???

Me, the effing android and my fat fongerz, SUCH a bad combination whilst walking!!!

Curious about what he wanted to ask me I started typing. .
.
Like me, many of you probably use predictive text.  It saves so much time and just generally makes life easier.

I don't know if yours works in the same way as mine but after 2 letters mine will make suggestions based on the words I most use.

Merrily I typed (or at least intended to type) 'of course you can ask me a question'.

Part way through the message I realised that the predictive text had substituted a word for me.

Smiling I hit the back space ......

Not looking where I was going I nearly walked into a lady walking the other way.  After apologising profusely I went back to finish my message

Fuck, fuck, F U U U C K  - I'd hit send by mistake!

So, the message I'd actually sent read:

'Of course you can ARSE me'!!!

I pondered my position for a while and decided that there really was no way back whichever way he replied but, I needn't have worried ...

HE DIDN'T ;)

I have so much more to share but I don't want to shoot my bolt (such a descriptive phrase) so I'll do a series of small posts on this after leaving you with one of this mornings offerings:

Spunky - 27 - from London - 'I'd take you'.

So Many Half Finished Posts

That I'm not really sure which one to go with so hey, here's a brand new one ;)

I hope you all had a great Christmas and New Year.

Mine was eventful ...  hmmm, yep, lets just leave it at that for now ...

Do people ever surprise you?

 They do me.

In fact sometimes they shock the hell out of me!

Sometimes it's in a really bad way.  People I thought  .... well anyway, this post isn't about them.

This post is about someone who has been a part of my life for well over 20 years.

Someone who has always been there but mostly in the background.

Someone who was in the right place at the right time and has completely taken me by surprise.

Surfer dude (he who kindly tidied my 'lady garden' for me at the end of the summer), took me to the Carnival and knows all the best places to get great coffee.

Surfer dude happened to pop round on the afternoon of the 23rd December.

A day that is surely cursed in my life.

The day in 2010 that I broke my arm (ever tried to lift a turkey out of the oven with one hand??).  Funnily enough I was on my way to meet surfer dude for coffee when it happened.

Anyway, to cut a long story short he popped round and discovered me curled up in a heap on the kitchen floor.

Now I don't just call him surfer dude because of his long blond hair and beach bum looks.  It's more of a personality things.  He's so laid back he's practically horizontal.. He's gentle, fun and doesn't give a shit about convention.

He works with kids from disadvantaged backgrounds who struggle to fit into mainstream school and although he loves his job and the kids love him, he works to live, to indulge his hobby, to enjoy life.

I think he's one of the few truly happy people I know.

You can't walk down the street without bumping into someone who wants to stop and chat to him.  In fact I'm pretty sure you cant go ANYWHERE without bumping into some one who wants to stop and chat to him.

So why has he taken me by surprise?

Well, like I said, he's always been there.  We have periods of time where we hardly see each other for months on end and others where we meet up a couple of times a week.  Nothing formal, no agenda, just a little time out.

These last couple of weeks he has hardly left my side.

On Boxing day he came round, made me get dressed and took me to the beach.( Damned blogger for some reason wont let me add pictures at the moment but we went to Lyme Regis and it was beautiful).



We walked for miles. Blowing away the cobwebs.  Talking. Not talking.  Laughing (and I really thought I'd NEVER do that again).  Crying (just me ;), Holding hands and hugging.

He made me feel ..... hmmm, I was going to say whole again but that's not quite true.

He made me feel that I COULD be whole again.

He took me to a cosy little cafe with low, dark beams and a roaring open fire and fed me scrambled eggs on toast and then he took me home again and produced surely THE best distraction of all.

The box set series of Black Books!!

If you haven't watched it then DO!

Dylan Moran, Bill Bailey ... how I'd love to go on a pub crawl with Bill Bailey :)

He's mended my roof (surfer dude, not Bill;).  Does my washing up (above and beyond I'd have said).  Takes me shopping. He brings me dark brown free range eggs from his parents farm and makes the best sandwiches bursting with salad and ham and cheese in oat topped rolls because I need 'feeding up'. He's walked the dog and just been everything I could possibly have needed these last few weeks.

He's not the only one of my friends to be around at a time when I really have needed them.

There's been the lovely L (the one who 'sucked Boris up her exhaust').  Mad 'C' (I'm not quite sure where my placenta is ....) and my wonderful Maggie (who sleeps on car park floors, give horrendous advice on my  love life and sent out an FB alert for felt to mend a bra!) who came to see me after Christmas with four children in tow and who always makes me laugh. The Demon who, like surfer dude is a constant in my life.  Oh, and not ever forgetting my blogging buddies who I've largely neglected of late but who are always there.

Thanks guys ;)

I'm getting a little soppy now but I really do feel I'm truly blessed by the people I have around me and I'm not really sure what I've done to deserve them but hell, I'm not going to question it too closely,

I'm just going to be grateful they are there and I know that they always will be.

If You Could See Me Now ...

Which I am very grateful you can't because you would all be laughing! (but that may well be a post on it's own ;).

Well, it's been a while since my last proper post but obviously 'things' haven't stopped happening to me.

I think I'll start with yesterday ...

My day started far too early, 5:15am to be precise when my alarm went off (deep bloody joy as I'd hardly got any sleep).

I was going to my favourite place in the whole wide world.

Shithampton.

Ok, technically it may not be called that but it SHOULD be, it truly is the arsehole of the UK if not the entire world!

Believe me when I say I would NEVER voluntarily go to Shithampton but, unfortunately, I wasn't given a choice yesterday.

So I gritted my teeth, donned protective clothing and assumed my best 'don't mess with me motherf*cker' expression and off I went.

Now, getting to Shithampton SHOULD have be relatively straightforward, 2 trains, 2 hours.

But hey, this is ME remember ;)

All went smoothly at first.

My train was on time, we got to my next station without delay and my connection was running to time.

2 minutes before the connection was due there was an announcement.

'All passengers to Shithampton please change to platform 3'

Cue mad dash upstairs, across a bridge, down stairs. All the while being battered by cases and tripping over small children before piling onto the train, elbowing old ladies out of the way and finally sinking into a seat.

Great ...

Hmmm, that was until .... 'Passenger announcement.

'This train will no longer be stopping at Shithampton'

F U C K!!

The damned train was already moving!!!

Eventually it transpired that in order to get to Shithampton I would now have to change trains again at Eastleigh.

Ok, I was pretty sure Eastleigh WAS at least in Hampshire so we were heading in the right direction!

Halfway to Eastleigh and there was an almighty CRASH.

A bloody tree fell on the train!

I don't mean we just hit a stray branch on the line. I mean a WHOLE sodding tree came crashing down, hit the roof of the train and rolled the length of it!

That had to be the end of the drama right?

Wrong!

Eventually after a delay of about half an hour to check for damage to the train (sod the fact that the passengers were in a state of shock) we reached Eastleigh and, according to the board, the connection to Shithampton was running on time and due in just a couple of minutes.

Then, 'passenger announcement'.

The train to Shithampton has been cancelled'

WTF!!!

No, alternative, no reason, no apology, nothing!!

Eastleigh may or may not be a very nice place, I have no idea but I needed to get to Shithampton and I needed to get there NOW!

To cut a long story short, I hopped in a taxi and paid a small fortune for the privilege of getting to a place that I had no desire to go to in the first place!

Since I had been given no choice however I decided to treat it as a mini break. I even took a photo of the sights for you all:

one of the nicer views :)

  
                                                                                                              

Well, business was concluded in oh .... about 5 bloody minutes so all I needed to do now was get home.

Simple ....

First train, great ...

Off at the connecting station.

Found a guard and asked which platform I needed and ...

'Your best best is to get back on the train you just got off, there isn't a connection from here for another 3 hours '...

That would be the train with whistles blowing and doors closing??

Thankfully a guard at the other end saw me running and held a door for me.

Stressed beyond belief I made it back onto the train well away from the nose picker (did I mention him?).

Of all disgusting bodily habits nose picking is my least favourite.  To be honest I'd rather someone farted, at least that's generally involuntary but nose picking?  YUCK  and Id been sitting opposite one of those for the last 45 minutes swinging between wanting to shout, 'get your damn finger out of your bloody nose you disgusting little oike' and longing to smack the back of his head so hard he would have to have his finger surgically removed (neither of which I actually did but thinking about it gave me quite a lot of pleasure!).

Anyway, as I said, well away from him only to discover I'd lost my bloody purse!!!

As the last place Id had it was on the train (so thank god Id got back on!)  I shot back up the aisle identifying my seat by the nose picker who fortunately hadn't got off (I could have kissed him but ...) and there in my seat was a woman who had just got on.

'Have you seen my' ....

This she said waving a magazine in my face.

No, I left that because it was a load of shite.  Have you seen my purse.

The lying bitch actually had the cheek to say she hadn't seen it so I told her to get up so I could have a proper look and, surprise, surprise, there it was tucked down the seat by her side!!  Now I don't do small purses.  This one is about 15cm long and bulging with various crap that I stuff into it so when she feigned surprise at it being there I looked her in the eye and we both knew she was a lying bitch!

It was at this point that I realised that although Id been told to get back on this train I actually had no idea where it was going or at which station I should change.

Bristol apparently!

Now geography isn't my strong point but Shithampton to Taunton via Bristol???

Bristol train station is pretty big with lots of platforms so it seemed easier to ask which one I needed. 

The extremely 'helpful' guard pointed to the electronic notice board and very sarcastically said, 'like it says, platform 10'.

Asshole!! (I may well have said that out loud;).

That HAD to be the end of it really didn't it?

Lying back in the seat I closed my eyes only to be assailed with a waft of apples.

'Im gonna see my dog Syrus' said a very slurred voice.

SHIT, this ALWAYS happens to me!!!

Nice I said, eyes still closed hoping without any real hope that he would just go away.

'Yep, I love that dog, mothers a fucking bitch but I love that dog'.

Actually I think my stops coming up I said.

Mine too he replied in apparent delight slopping what was left of his cider all over me.  Where abouts do you live. (oh yes cause I was really telling HIM).

I managed to loose him by sprinting for the door and running like f*ck for the exit but that bastard was too fast for me.

Are you stalking me I heard him say as I walked up the road.

I'd really had enough by now.  I was knackered, pissed off and just wanted to get home without being accosted, sent via Istanbul or hit by another bloody tree.

YOU are the one following ME I practically shouted in his face.

He stopped, looked me up and down and then said:

Well, your a fine looking woman but a bit tall for me and then ran down the road!!

I shit you NOT - look, I got a photo of him for you:

never let it be said my admirers aren't high class!

And that my dear fudgers was yesterday .....

Don't go away, I have more ;)