Saturday 19 November 2011

Kiss 'n Tell ...

Now I've decided (for no particular or valid reason) that I'm an expert in the field of kissing and so I thought I'd share a little of my expertise with you.

All of the below are based on my own personal findings and are part of an ongoing study.

Let me tell you, there are many different types of kisser and many of them are NOT good!

You may have come across one or two of these yourself.

To start with we have

The wide mouthed frog

If you see one of these homing in on you then be seriously scared.

Back away from THAT sucker!!

If your escape route is blocked then try evasive tactics.

Fake a sneeze ... belch ... faint ... vomit.

ANYTHING  but let him attach himself to your face.

I came across one once.

FFS,  I thought he was going to swallow me whole!

I now know how a drain feels when it's being plunged.

The stunned look on my face was only matched by the look of absolute horror on his at my bare face after he'd hoovered off all my make up!

I shit you not, I half expected to see a pair of false lashes adorning his front teeth.

Then we have:

The guy with the freakishly long tongue

Now this one can be hard to spot unless you get all your dates to eat an ice cream before kissing them (not such a bad idea).

If he can reach the bottom of the cone without the aid of a chocolate flake then the chances are he's going to be able to dust the back of your tonsils with that monster.

The average human tongue is about 4cm in total and most of that is kept inside the mouth (which is because THAT is where it belongs!!)

Whereas a giraffe can apparently clean its own ears with its tongue.

I do not wish to snog a giraffe!

My own experience took me completely by surprise.  Everything was going pretty well until, like a conjurer pulling ribbons from his mouth in reverse, he stuck that damned thing so far down my throat he effectively cut off my air supply.

That noise I made?

No, It wasn't a moan of passion.

It was my effing GAG reflex kicking in!

This is closely followed by:

The drooler

I have no wish to be awash with your saliva thank you.

I do not want your drool dripping from my chin.

I don't want your lips sliding all over my face like an ice skater on speed or an out of control pin ball.

I might like the thought that I could make someone salivate but believe me I DO NOT want to wear it!

And finally

The tooth licker

Oh yes, he really does exist

Honest to god, I once had someone actually lick my  teeth!

WTF are you licking my TEETH for??

Now, maybe to you licking my teeth is no less gross than sticking your tongue in my mouth I don't know.

But, from a personal point of view. Not only do I think it's really VERY weird.

It's also hugely distracting.

VERY, VERY unsexy.

And leaves me wondering ...

What the hell is next on your lick list?

My fecking toenails???

Just realised that I forgot to add the link to one of my favorite blogs today, doh!

Ok - today's shout out is for Sif and her blog At the bottom of the Garden - I find this lady fascinating.  She writes a wide variety of posts and she has entered a promotion campaign for mummy bloggers. (and she believes in elves!)

Well, I think she deserves more recognition so, if you pop over and agree please follow the link in her post and vote for her.  Thank you :)


Mammasaurus said...

EEEEE the teeth licker !

I did once date a 'open frog mouth' kissing guy. Wasn't good AT ALL! He kind of clamped his open mouth around my lips and just moved his head left and right.

It was very odd and disturbing. Maybe he was testing me. If he was I failed as I never saw him again ;)

Anonymous said...

I always remember by sister telling us about the vacuum cleaner....he tried to suck her in....She said it was a horrible experience and one she didn't care to repeat.

Lou :-)

helloitsgemma said...

oh my word - I feel fully informed on kissing and it's not even 9 am! well done woman!

Sarah said...

Ha ha - I'm a little concerned at the inference you might have WANTED to see him again Mamasaurus! ;)

I'm with your sister on that one Lou - sounds too reminiscent of the dentist to me!

Thank you Gemma - I am somewhat (quietly and modestly) proud of myself now :)

Emma @mummymummymum said...

That is the funniest post I have read in a long time! I'm a bit grossed out by the drooler....

I once snogged a boy with a very hard tongue, which was a little odd :-)

Sarah said...

A HARD tongue - ha ha,I haven't come across one of them yet (which I'm seeing as a good thing;)

Anonymous said...

Then there's the tongue tied.... basically can't stick their tongue out at all - pretty goddam useless .... in every department ;-0

Sarah said...

Oh yes, in fact,just in case I may have given the wrong impression - I am not averse to a bit of tongue - it really does depend on what they do with it ....

I wonder if my Mum reads this ........