Kiss 'n Tell ...

Now I've decided (for no particular or valid reason) that I'm an expert in the field of kissing and so I thought I'd share a little of my expertise with you.

All of the below are based on my own personal findings and are part of an ongoing study.

Let me tell you, there are many different types of kisser and many of them are NOT good!

You may have come across one or two of these yourself.

To start with we have

The wide mouthed frog

If you see one of these homing in on you then be seriously scared.

Back away from THAT sucker!!

If your escape route is blocked then try evasive tactics.

Fake a sneeze ... belch ... faint ... vomit.

ANYTHING  but let him attach himself to your face.

I came across one once.


FFS,  I thought he was going to swallow me whole!

I now know how a drain feels when it's being plunged.

The stunned look on my face was only matched by the look of absolute horror on his at my bare face after he'd hoovered off all my make up!

I shit you not, I half expected to see a pair of false lashes adorning his front teeth.

Then we have:

The guy with the freakishly long tongue

Now this one can be hard to spot unless you get all your dates to eat an ice cream before kissing them (not such a bad idea).

If he can reach the bottom of the cone without the aid of a chocolate flake then the chances are he's going to be able to dust the back of your tonsils with that monster.

The average human tongue is about 4cm in total and most of that is kept inside the mouth (which is because THAT is where it belongs!!)

Whereas a giraffe can apparently clean its own ears with its tongue.

I do not wish to snog a giraffe!

My own experience took me completely by surprise.  Everything was going pretty well until, like a conjurer pulling ribbons from his mouth in reverse, he stuck that damned thing so far down my throat he effectively cut off my air supply.

That noise I made?

No, It wasn't a moan of passion.

It was my effing GAG reflex kicking in!

This is closely followed by:

The drooler

I have no wish to be awash with your saliva thank you.

I do not want your drool dripping from my chin.

I don't want your lips sliding all over my face like an ice skater on speed or an out of control pin ball.

I might like the thought that I could make someone salivate but believe me I DO NOT want to wear it!

And finally

The tooth licker

Oh yes, he really does exist

Honest to god, I once had someone actually lick my  teeth!

WTF are you licking my TEETH for??

Now, maybe to you licking my teeth is no less gross than sticking your tongue in my mouth I don't know.

But, from a personal point of view. Not only do I think it's really VERY weird.

It's also hugely distracting.

VERY, VERY unsexy.

And leaves me wondering ...

What the hell is next on your lick list?

My fecking toenails???

Just realised that I forgot to add the link to one of my favorite blogs today, doh!

Ok - today's shout out is for Sif and her blog At the bottom of the Garden - I find this lady fascinating.  She writes a wide variety of posts and she has entered a promotion campaign for mummy bloggers. (and she believes in elves!)

Well, I think she deserves more recognition so, if you pop over and agree please follow the link in her post and vote for her.  Thank you :)