Sunday, 15 January 2012

Second Date

Ok, so it's all set for Wednesday.

Dinner seemed just a little too .......... datey??? to me.

I'm not really sure I'm up for that just yet and, as Matt's work involves working the odd Saturday it also means that he sometimes gets a day off during the week and this Wednesday is it.

So dinner has become lunch which I'm a little more comfortable with and so far I've only manged one more tiny little faux pas so I reckon things are going pretty well.

Oh, the faux pas??? ...

Hmm, well, another well thought out text from me.

As I mentioned, Matt knows about the social experiment element (although I hasten to add that if I didn't actually LIKE him there would be no 2nd date).

Anyway, that obviously means that he knows about my blog BUT I don't want him to read it just yet.

So much easier to write honestly if you aren't inhibited by the subject of a post actually reading it (NOT that that seems to have influenced me all that much in the past ;).

Anyway, I kind of explained that and he gets it, although naturally he IS curious (possibly why he's risking a 2nd date ...  after all, if he didn't then he'd never find out what I've written would he ... hmm again!).

So anyway.

Over the weekend we were both pretty busy.

Him with his stuff and me, well, I needed a distraction with the children being away so, I did what I always do when I want to escape, I headed for the beach :)

Budleigh Salterton to be precise.

Previously undiscovered by me as tbh it's a place where the very (and I mean VERY) wealthy go to die retire and so I'd worked on the mistaken assumption that it had nothing much to offer me.

Well, I was wrong, look: (apologies if you have already seen some of these on FB).



It is actually really very beautiful :) 

It was also bloody cold.

I now fully appreciate the phrase 'freezing your t*ts off!!).

Fortunately it also has an abundance of little tea shoppe's to thaw out in.

Ok, I can hear you at the back muttering 'but what the f*ck WAS it you said in that text!!!'

Oh, nuthin' much really ....

Ok, dammit,  I'll tell you then.

I SAID .... (and I quote).

 'If you are prepared to risk a second date with me then I really do have to admire your balls'.

Bugger ...

Thursday, 12 January 2012

Oh Lou .....

Now I consider myself to be a bit of a dating expert .... Sound familiar?

 (ok, more of a guide on how NOT to really:)..

Don't believe me?

Read about some of them here!

So today was the turn of Matt the optician.

Well aware that this was at least in part a social experiment he still gamely agreed to meet up for an hour or so for a coffee and to meet face to face.

I went through the flurry of usual 'first date' preparations.

Reading a few blog posts.  Making the odd comment. Walking the dog.  Drinking coffee and eating the ubiquitous bacon sandwich when I realised that somehow I'd only left myself half and hour to shower, change and get there!!!


Luckily I can pull it together pretty quickly when I have to and so, running only slightly late, I made my way to Cafe Mambo, the chosen meeting point.

Cafe Mabo has a great outdoor space filled with tables with huge umbrellas, background music and, until recently (and I hope they bring it back) a VW camper that served as an outside bar.

I wish I'd taken some photos and although I've trawled the net I can't find any decent ones.

Anyway, I got myself a coffee and sat outside as arranged. 

Fortunately Mambos also have very effective patio heaters.  Mild as it has been it IS still January in the UK.

And I waited.  And my coffee cooled ...

And I started to get slightly pissed off.

Had Matt the optician STOOD ME UP????

I could have text him but then, did I really need the humiliation of being told that yes, I had been stood up or even worse, get no answer at all?

So, leaving my now cold coffee I stood up to leave trying to pretend that I'd intended to be there all on my own the whole time.

Then, my phone bleeped.

A text.

'Have you stood me up?'.

Well, I looked around and there wasn't anyone on their own fitting his description which was a little confusing.

Ok, so I was in the wrong place AGAIN!!

We had in fact arranged to meet at Cafe Nero just up the road NOT Cafe Mambo.

This isn't the first time I've done this on a first date. 

Last time I sat in the Moat House whilst my date waited for me at The Market House. 

Both times it was my mistake.

I'm pretty good at making first impressions (not necessarily good ones you understand, just an impression ;).

Well, the last time I did that it didn't turn into a complete disaster so maybe this was a GOOD sign.

As Matt was sitting there with two HOT coffees (and cake!!) I said I would come to him.

There he was, looking very much like his photo thank god with the best looking piece of coffee and walnut cake I'd seen for a very long time.

I just KNEW this was going to go well :)

We laughed at the mix up (although I didn't mention it wasn't the first time I done that).

We chatted and generally got on pretty well.

Now, the tables outside cafe Nero are rather insubstantial.  I guess they don't want to be lugging heavy ones in and out on a daily basis.

They also don't have patio heaters like Cafe Mabo so it was a little chilly but not enough to warrant going inside.

So there we were, me sitting back in my chair, legs crossed under the table and Matt leaning forwards, elbows on the table, hands clasped around the glass containing his double tall latte to keep them warm.

Chatting and laughing like we'd known each other for ages.

Suddenly my leg gave one of those involuntary jerks (you know the ones, no particular reason for them at all).

My knee hit the underside of the table causing it to jump up and Matt, elbows still on the bloody table to throw coffee all over himself, cut his lip on the glass and chip a f*cking tooth!!!

Even in my great experience of dating disasters have I never managed to pull off the TRIPLE whammy before!!!

I'm not sure if Matt and I will chance a second date.

I think we might just leave it a while until he's a) seen a dentist and b) the swellings gone down ....

All in all I have to say it still wasn't the worst first date I'VE ever been on ;)

Joinig in with Glowless at:


Tuesday, 10 January 2012

Epic Fail Part 3

So, Internet dating ....

It's a bit of a jungle out there guys.

If you read yesterdays post then you will know that people aren't always who they say they are.

A comment from my lovely Lou made me think about my own motivation here.

I know it wasn't your intention Lou but the truth is, I'm doing this for a bit of fun.  I'm not looking for a relationship right now.  I have far too many things on my plate already to even think of having to consider someone else amd to be honest, I doubt there are many people who would consider me much of a catch right now.

Anyway, I haven't lied to anyone.  The photos of me on the site are genuine.  If I did agree to go on a date with someone then I would be up front about the whole thing because that's the way I am.

I guess the difference between 'David' and I is that I would give people choices based on the truth. Integrity is something I value very highly in myself and in others.

In other words, don't bullshit me, I'm dealing with enough crap alreay thanks!

Moving on ...  Never let it be said that I allowed introtrospection to stand in the way of a good blog post :)

I thought I'd share a few tips and hints with any men out there who a) might be (or are already) contemplating the dating scene and b) actually want to get a date out of it :)

Badoo it pretty crap in that it doesn't let you write your own profile.  Basically you get a a preordained tick list so everything is very generic, very samey, very interchangeable.

This means that your photo is even more important.  It's the only individual thing that you have.

The truth is, I'm not going to message you (or reply to a message) if you are wearing ANY of the following:

A nappy (and sucking a dummy)
An anorak
A bird on your head
A fez
An orange curly wig
A plastic green rain hat

If you are naked (or appear naked) - If you are dressed as a Tellytubby - If you are a dot in the distance - Draped all over another woman - Lying in a pool of your own vomit - Pouting - Or your photo is of animal from the Muppets (altho I DO have a certain fondness for animal;)

If you have huge nostrils (and yes, Badoo has chosen my 'up the nose' shot as MY profile picture but as I never tire of pointing out, that is an ART shot ok!) - If you have an even bigger overbite - If you are licking a truncheon - If you call yourself Tally Wacker or Spunky or even King Jiz the chances are I'm not going to fall over myself to go on a a date with you.

If you are called Jerry (bearing in mind that I am Mindy in R&R's fantasy) I would probably give you a wide berth purely because I would feel obliged to assume Margots persona from the Goodlife and while I'm pretty sure I could carry off the pseudo snobbery fairly well, I really couldn't be arsed to dust all those ornaments.

If you could avoid ALL of the above AND manage a message without sexual innuendo that sounded semi normal then your luck could be in.

Did I say LUCK???  Haha, lets not forget, it's ME they might end up going on a date with ;)

The chances are I'd break a limb, be mistaken for a hooker or jinx their car in some way.

So ...  I've just logged onto the site for a quick look and - I have 62 unread messages, most of which will remain so BUT, I did have this one:

'Hello Sarah, how are you? I am Matt and this is the tricky bit ....the first message....how not to be very dull? how not to be a arse?...how to be interesting and interested, without being the aforementioned arse..?'

Hmm, well, as you all know, I'm quite capable of making a complete arse of myself so he would be in good company ...

(and there's something about that message that reminds me ....)

Monday, 9 January 2012

Epic Fail part 2

Now, for those of you who are Badoo virgins I thought you might like a brief overview.

Ok, First of all you sign up to Badoo (or not as the case may be - Badoo is quite happy to do that on your behalf).

Then you buy Super Powers! (or not as the case may be).

If you are Super Hot (ahem, that would be me;) you get them for free (ok, you might just have to be a woman to get them or something. I don't know but that sounded better!).

Then, off you go ... 

Message, add photos (Badoo is quite happy to do this for you too!!), send gifts, add favourites yada, yada, yada.

You then meet the person of your dreams and live happily ever after.


Back in the real world you get a message from David - 39 - from London who appears to have stepped straight out of a toothpaste ad ...

(brief pause here to wonder why my mouse wasn't working only to discover that what I had in my hand was in fact my phone!).

Anyway, back to David.

Having ascertained that his interests included, jaffa cakes, vodka and red wine he was beginning to sound just a little too good to be true so I asked him for his views on liver and celery.

BINGO - perfect man!

Or WAS he???

It seemed all talk of food may have led him in a direction that I wasn't sure I was ready to go ...

Soon he was extolling the virtues of whipped cream and offering to lick it from my naked body.

Ummm, 'we seem to have skipped the getting to know you bit' I pointed out ...

Predictably he suggested that it would be a REALLY good way to get to know each other.

Now, having read Lady E's post just this very morning on the subject of whipped cream I feel I'm something of an expert on the matter (although you do need to remember that I am perfectly willing to assume I'm an expert on many matters regardless of any knowledge I may or may not possess. I refuse to be bogged down by mere details! ;).

Anyhow, I decided to steer him back to the more mundane - 'what do you do blah, blah' type of stuff but he was having none of it.

While he formulated his next batch of sexual suggestions I decided to google, toothpaste/men/smile ...

You know where this is going don't you? ;)

Yep, sure enough, 4 pics along, there was 'David'

Hmmm, so I thought about playing along a bit longer.

Maybe making a few suggestions of my own about what HE could do with a can of whipped cream a feather duster and a cucumber!

But, taking the bull by the horns (or the horny bull by the .... no, no,  lets NOT go there) I confronted him.

'David, you're just a DOM with your hand down the front of your grubby tracksuit pants aren't you?

Epic Fail

Way, way back, sometime at the beginning of December you may remember I told you the story of how I ended up on Badoo (FB's dating website).

Now, after my last social experiment epic fail (how to alienate all your FB friends) I was determined that I was going to go ALL the way with this one and post a selection of messages I'd  received and let you guys chose which one I went on a date with.

Anyway, 'things' got in the way and after a really good start I let it slide.

The emails from Badoo have continued to drop into my inbox and I've ignored them UTILL last night.

I was curious, I couldn't sleep and I was bored so I thought it might be time to revisit Badoo.

Ok, now I'm going to rewind a little and go right back to the beginning.

My very first message was ... possibly from a pshyco interesting.  He waxed lyrical about my beauty, how overjoyed he would be to have someone like me on his arm, how he longed to kiss my lips and how he hoped that this was the beginning of a beautiful relationship ..... (cue noise of car slamming on brakes, crashing gears and reversing at high speed!).

My second message was more promising.

Short, pithy and with a little touch of humour.

Oh, and he was local, absolutely gorgeous and had a great smile.

At the end of his message he said, 'can I ask you a question?'.

Well, I picked up this message as I was walking into town and  I decided not to lose anytime and send a reply straight away.

What was I thinking???

Me, the effing android and my fat fongerz, SUCH a bad combination whilst walking!!!

Curious about what he wanted to ask me I started typing. .
Like me, many of you probably use predictive text.  It saves so much time and just generally makes life easier.

I don't know if yours works in the same way as mine but after 2 letters mine will make suggestions based on the words I most use.

Merrily I typed (or at least intended to type) 'of course you can ask me a question'.

Part way through the message I realised that the predictive text had substituted a word for me.

Smiling I hit the back space ......

Not looking where I was going I nearly walked into a lady walking the other way.  After apologising profusely I went back to finish my message

Fuck, fuck, F U U U C K  - I'd hit send by mistake!

So, the message I'd actually sent read:

'Of course you can ARSE me'!!!

I pondered my position for a while and decided that there really was no way back whichever way he replied but, I needn't have worried ...


I have so much more to share but I don't want to shoot my bolt (such a descriptive phrase) so I'll do a series of small posts on this after leaving you with one of this mornings offerings:

Spunky - 27 - from London - 'I'd take you'.