Challenging Behaviour

I know what you're thinking .... ;)

I've no doubt from time to time that some people might possibly find my behaviour a little challenging however, this is about me challenging my OWN behaviour.

I said a few posts back that I don't make New Years Resolutions and its true, I don't but I do think that the beginning of a brand new year is a good time to take stock and think about where you want it to lead.

I've been doing a lot of that in the last few weeks and, in my own quiet way (yep, every now and then I can do something without making a drama out of it, honest!!), I've been making some changes, some physical and some from an emotional point of view.

The two things that I want most for myself are health and contentment.  Two things that to some degree or other have eluded me in recent years.

If that surprises you given that there are so many things I have in my life that should make me happy then what can I say?  You're right of course, there are and they DO make me happy but ...

But, but, BUT ...  The sum of happy things doesn't always add up to contentment.  They add up to happy days, happy moments, happy snap shots in time ...

Sometimes it's the things you don't have that you want the most.  Sometimes you want them blindly long after you remember why you wanted them at all and all this does is cause discontent.  Discontents insidious vapour weaves it way around your life, dampening, clouding and muffling.

On the surface I am very much a person who deals with the things I can deal with and sets aside those things that I know I have no control over, things that I can't influence.

For the most part this works for me but I can't make them go away however much I wish I could.

I suppose it comes down to acceptance.

Maybe I need to take these things out again.  Look at them in the clear light of day.  Ask myself WHY is it that I think I want them?  What is it that I think they would bring to my life?  If it's things I once had that I've lost then why did I lose them?  What did they bring to my life when I had them?  And, most importantly, if I could have them back, would I really want them?

The answer to that is yes, some of them ...

If it's things I've never had but have just always longed for then maybe I need to ask myself the same questions.  Maybe I also need to look at my life and see that the things I do have are actually so much better than the things I think I want.

Maybe it's not a question of making things go away.  Maybe all I really need to do is to acknowledge that they have already gone and let them go from my life.

Well, that's the introspection part of this post out of the way (and time to stop saying maybe perhaps??? ;). 

Now to look at the positives!

I really am a lucky bitch you know!

I could just leave it at that couldn't I?  You read my blog, you know my life is good.  You know I have the best friends.  That my life is rarely boring.  That I have many people who love me (as I love them) and that I am lucky enough to have something that eludes so many, a man in my life who loves me just the way I am.

So, moving on to my second challenge.  My health!

I've had some health blips over the last few years.  Nothing serious fortunately although it took a while to work that out.  I struggle with sleeping and my weight on an almost daily basis but again, these aren't life threatening things.

I decided it was time to take stock.  This year I will turn 47.

Jesus, how did THAT happen!!!

I'm fairly confident that I don't look my age.  I'm pretty happy in my own skin but I cant ignore that I'm getting older and things will change at some point and there are things that I can do now that will benefit me in the long run (and I have so many thing left that I want to do so I'm hoping for a pretty long run).

Detoxing is my first step.

I drink far too much coffee and tea and not enough water.  I've cut out all but my early morning cuppa (this has to be something sustainable, I'm not trying to punish myself).  I will allow myself the odd coffee with friends.  SD and I have a tradition of a coffee date on Friday afternoons when he finish work early.  We wander into town and take up our position either outside (if the weather allows) or inside by the window of our favourite cafe Roots in the centre of town.  We people watch and chat about our day.  It's the perfect start to the weekend.

I meet other friends on a regular basis and we sit and chat and put the world to rights.

I'm going back to sensible eating.  No more cutting breakfast.  I'm avoiding refined sugar and salt.  Not actually a biggie for me as I'm not a fan of either anyway.  I don't eat much bread or carbs in general and only really like multigrain or seeded wholemeal so that's ok.

Don't worry K, I'm not giving up cake :) but again, everything in moderation.

The other thing I'm doing is exercising more.  I can't run due to a knee injury years ago which rules out anything high impact but I can cycle.  I live two minutes from the river and the canal, perfect for cycling.  Gus and I went along the canal this morning.  It was so beautiful and peaceful.  We did a circuit of about 5 miles at a leisurely pace.  We were limited mostly by the distance Gus can run.  Poor old Gus also has an injury sustained when he was a pup and ran full pelt into a goal post down at the park.  Despite the vets reassurance I'm pretty sure he broke his leg as it's left him with a limp.  Anyway, 5 miles is about his limit so if I want to venture further I will have to leave him at home.

2012 was a year of two halves for me.  The first half being a real struggle and being challenged in ways I could never have imagined.  The second half was about putting my life back together again.  Rebuilding it into a different shape, a new pattern, a better pattern, one that spells happiness and contentment.

2013 is a chance to consolidate all of that hard work and to appreciate the people who helped me to build it.

One person above all helped me get where I am today:

SD, there was a time where I said it was inconceivable but you really have become my best friend and I love you.