Thursday, 13 June 2013

Free Styling The Lounge Way

It's freestyle week over at the Lounge hosted this week by Rachel at The Very Inappropriate Blog.  Basically that means you can write whatever the hell you like (I think) or link up an old post or .. whatever.

I'm struggling to commit to anything much at the moment.  I've got so much going on that I'm actually welcoming the lists SD leaves me (I shit you not - that ones taken ME by surprise too!) so I don't forget anything.  I'm still confused a little by yesterdays list of things to get while I was out ending in scrubbers though - I means seriously?  Broadminded I might be but don't you think that's just taking advantage of my easy going nature?)

Anyhow, being that I have NO TIME and FAR TOO MUCH TO DO I picked two number - the first being the page number of my post list and the second for the actual post I would rewind today and so you lucky people get to read about me having my coil changed.

Yep, you really hit the jackpot there didn't you (which believe me is preferable to the ceiling which I hit on several occasions!).  So, here it is - sometime earlier this year:

The Coiled Cat

So when Kate asked me what I had planned for the rest of the day I managed to resist the temptation to say, 'just about anything that doesn't involve me taking my knickers off!'

When the alert on my phone went off at 7:30 the other morning to remind me that I had something I had to do I cant say that I was overjoyed to discover it was having my coil changed.

I sat in the waiting room opposite an elderly lady, contemplating the way her stockings fell in folds around her ankles. Or possibly she just had stocking coloured wrinkled ankles, I couldn't really be sure ...

'Do you have blood pressure dear' she enquired.

'Lets hope so' I replied.

'Im here for mine' she said fumbling in her massive bag pulling out a bottle and waving it me.

'Ah', I said, trying to look knowledgeable.
'Oh dear, she said, peering at the label, I think these are my cats worming tablets, it's so easy to get these things mixed up isn't it  ...?'

'Are you here for your blood pressure?'

Briefly I thought about broadcasting the reason for my visit to the whole waiting room before saying 'yeeesss, I'm here for my blood pressure too!'

Thankfully the lovely Kate called me in.  I feel we are old friends now as she did my smear test just a few weeks ago.

Dr D will be with us shortly (only doctors are qualified to actually change coils).

Pop behind the curtain, pop off your lower garments, pop onto the couch and pop that piece of paper over yourself she said with a smile.

I duly popped.

Three children has not in anyway stopped that feeling of complete exposure and awkwardness in situations like this.

Kate and I made small talk.  From time to time she checked her computer which confirmed that Dr D was still with her last patient.

We covered everything from decorating to holidays, car boot sales to motor bikes and eventually fell into an uncomfortable silence.

Kate bustled around rearranging some frankly terrifying looking instruments, swabs etc while I pleated the paper covering my modesty.

The clock ticked. -  I tried to avoid looking at the trolley next to the couch -
I continued to pleat and fold the paper, look, see ...:

Ok, maybe those aren't mine but much longer and Dr D might possibly have found Kate I wearing one of these each!

  I'll just pop next door and see what the hold up is said Kate - off she popped.

Somehow lying there half naked but for a small piece of blue paper on my own staring at the ceiling waiting for the door to open was even worse than idle chit chat with a surgical glove wearing nurse holding a huge metal implement.

And then the door opened and in came Kate and Dr D.

'Hello Mrs Mac she beamed  how are we today?'

'Well, I'm half naked and you are about to insert a foreign object into my body so I'd say the prospect is possibly making us both feel a little uneasy' I said.

'And, given that you are about to become very closely acquainted with my cervix, please feel free to call me Sarah' I added.

We all chuckled ( me slightly hysterically)  ...

I'm going to kind of skim over the next bit, you really don't need or want to know the details but here are a few snippets, thoughts, and musing that went through my mind over the next 20 minutes or so:

'I wonder who wants to be here less, me or them ...?' (I mused)

'This ones not long enough, hand me the BIG Mofo implement' (Dr D - ok, in reality she may have said 'I need a longer speculum, but that's what I HEARD dammit!)

'Kate has such a lovely smile' (another of my musings)

'Im just going to clip you cervix' - 'What the FUCK - DID YOU SAY CLIP IT???' (Dr D, shortly followed by me).
'You're doing really well.' (Kate reassuringly)

'Maybe not so really when you consider my only alternative is to leap off the table whilst my cervix is catapulted to the other side of the room ...  (another oh so amusing musing;)

'More light, I need more light!' (Dr D)

'You mean that 1000 watt light you're scorching my arse with, the one that's currently giving a whole new meaning to the phrase burning bush isn't enough???' (no idea if I said that out loud or not)

'Hold this in place, I'm going in (Dr D - I SWEAR those were her exact words!)

'Oh dear, your cervix seems to have gone into spasms'. (Dr D)

'Can you fucking BLAME it?  My whole body is in spasms and the bits that aren't WOULD be if only they weren't suffering 2nd degree burns!' (I said that, I'm SURE I said that!)

'I'll just apply a little anaesthetic gel and try again shall I?' (Dr D)

'No thanks, I really would be happy never to have sex again, honest, it's absolutely NOT a problem!' (me, altho unfortunately it seems I  only said that in my head whilst nodding inanely).

A little more waiting a lot more pleating and then in for another try ....

(why am I telling you all of this???  I really have NO bloody idea!)

It seemed my cervix doesn't like being messed with and I for one don't blame it!

In the end Doctor D suggested I came back another day.

I'm still thinking Id rather never have sex again than get back on that couch.

On a lighter note (although the same subject ... ish):

When SD came round to admire my beautiful Tilly's kittens  (ok, that's a lie, he grew up on a farm, he had absolutely no interest in kittens or cats other than for their mouse catching abilities) he said:

'So, you'll be getting her splayed* after this then' -  I shit you NOT!  Those are the exact words I heard him say!!

Tilly and I gave a collective wince and crossed our legs in solidarity - ain't neither of us going there again - no way - not never - no, no, NO!!!

*Ok, well, I'm still not 100% sure, it's possible I misheard, or, maybe it's just one of those words that for some reason he mispronounces (we ALL have those don't we?  ;).

But if he has got it wrong I have no intention of correcting him because ... well, because I'm mean like that :)


Unknown said...

Lol. Oh gawd. I've been there many a time. Don't you just love those awkward conversations when your legs are doing the splits with your lady bits on display for the world to see?!
Thanks for the laugh :)

Unknown said...

OMG I'm crying laughing. I've been there. My doctor too was so lovely. She made me a cup of tea LOADED with sugar and made me stay there and drink it after I passed out. Yep. Awkward. She even made me feel ok about that - apparently it's a normal physiological response to having your 'vasovagal nerve' completely and utterly fucked with. Can't believe you have to go back. Can you wear a paper hat when you do please? Want to hear what happens if the blood pressure lady takes her cat worming tablets. ;)

SlapdashMama said...

Oh my god. I am wincing and crossing my legs like freaking crazy over here. a life of chastity seems a small price indeed. Gahhhhhhhhh.

Ness said...

Holy fuck! A coil? Pap tests are bad enough. I had a tubal ligation done a couple of years ago under anaesthetic. Day procedure. Done. Now I never need to think about it again. *shudders*

Anonymous said...

This was NOT a pleasant read... I need to go in for my lady bits check soon and now I'm dreading it even more. I don't really care when I'm in there but I hate the thought of it. I alwayss wonder about those people who flash their vag on TV shows like Embarrassing Bodies. WTAF?

Lisa said...

Loved the origami. I, too, would like a real pic of you and Kate in the newspaper hats. You had me giggling and wincing in solidarity, sister, but, ouch!

Anonymous said...

Oh your poor fanny! I've been alternately wincing and giggling all the way through this post. I'm a complete wuss about lady-bits checkups so I admire your ability to handle it with such humour :)

Sarah said...

Thanks all -I went back - I survived - I'm fine for the next 7 years thank god by which time I will have either forgotten or given up sex completely ;-)