We spent the afternoon at West Bay just a short drive along the coast into Dorset it forms a part of the Jurassic coast.
It's a lovely place with a harbour a beach, stunning cliffs and clear blue sea. It also boast some of the best coffee and homemade lemon drizzle cake I've ever tasted.
We got home last night tired and contented and started to look through the photos we'd taken.
SD, as I've mentioned before, tends to take lots of me mostly because I really dislike 90% of any photos with me in them.
SD is convinced that I don't see what other people see. He will tell me I look beautiful when all I see is that I'm frowning or my hair looks a mess or I imagine the beginnings of cellulite on my thighs ....
I tend to think he's either humouring me or he needs his eyes tested ;-)
But there is a serious side to this. I know it's not just me. Almost every other woman I know feels pretty much the same.
In many ways I'm far less self conscious than I used to be. Last year I wore a bikini for the first time in many years and this year, like last, I'm living in shorts and vest tops. A large part of that is my choosing to believe that maybe SD is right but then I see the photos and the self doubt returns.
When I saw this photo I thought:
|I don't look feminine|
I'm not even sure I HAVE broad shoulders but that's the first thing I thought and no matter how much SD tells me he likes this photo that's still what I see.
Occasionally I DO like a photo, I quite like this one:
SD must have snapped it while I was watching the children playing in the sea. Funnily enough he skipped over this one and it's not one of his favourites.
I've come a long way in the last couple of years and SD has been an integral part of that. I've stabilised my weight and I've largely put behind me the battle I had with BDD but I STILL have this aversion to photos of myself.
My FB friends would be forgiven for thinking the opposite, for thinking I had slightly narcissistic tendencies given the regularity with which I change my profile photo. What they probably don't realise is that its born from dissatisfaction and that fact that I will find fault with almost any picture of myself and that's what leads me to change it. I'm hoping that one day I'll actually be happy with what I see.
Today I'm happy with this one:
|but who knows how long that will last ;-)|
Strangely enough, I'm happy with the face that confronts me in the mirror. Aside from the odd wrinkle and grey hair these days I like what I see. This aversion is purely reserved for photos, it's odd ....
If you've read some of my past posts you will know that despite the fact that I don't like photos of myself I often take selfies (usually silly ones)and I'm always happy for SD to snap me. It's all part of the process you see. I don't shy away from the things that scare me anymore because when I do that they tend to turn in on me so I confront my fears these days in the hope that one day they wont have the power to hurt me and I'm getting there.
I'm not just talking about photos. Facing my fears is bloody hard, sharing them even harder, keeping them to myself, the hardest thing of all ...
The truth is, I probably have unrealistic expectations - I probably still expect to see my 20 year old self in photos because that what I see in my head and I'm now more than 2 decades older than the person I was then.
In almost every other area of my life I'm happy. I have a huge amount to be happy about. This isn't particularly important. It doesn't impinge on every day life. It's faintly ridiculous given the very real problems many other people face.
I'm not sure why I'm blogging about it other than the fact that it's been playing on my mind for the last 24 hours and writing it out seems to be the only way to get it out of my head so forgive me for talking out loud and ... as you were ;-)